#38868: Grateful for (Not Really)

-- That Santa Fe highway on-ramp improvement project that’s still going on after 4.5 years.
-- Really getting to know my digestive system as I get older
-- Electoral College

#2968: Least Memorable Last Words

-- Checkmate! No, wait…
-- I'll have the linguini.
-- Look at what?

#37378: Sportsperson? Or Thing Found in Your Pants?

-- summer-weight boxers
-- "Little Bob" Costas
-- nose guard

#7495: Tea-Time (Other Countries)

-- 7:30PM: Cheese-Pasta and Screen Hour (U.S.)
-- 2:00AM: hunt the florescent freshwater eels and eat them raw (that country I wouldn't do well in)
-- 10:15AM: beer-bongs and bongos (Stevelvania)

#61554: But I Digress…

-- the last 25 years
-- the 15 years before that
-- when I went bowling instead of fighting off the zombies

#58250: Clear and Dangerous Present

-- Leon shows up with 3 unmarked burritos
-- kiss on the lips from a crocodile
-- heart-shaped ziplock bag from Vlad the Inhaler

#49788: Inflatable Love Dolls (Bargain Bin)

-- Naugahyde-Lips Norman
-- Plump-Rump President Trump
-- The Penguin ( classic Batman series)

#31000: Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

-- fear of the unknown
-- fear of how hard it would be to be the first to just get along
-- face it, Steve's a dick

#67943: What I Avoided to Get to Where I Am

-- the boy scouts
-- death
-- term-papers, wherever possible

#53005: Short Vacations in Hell

-- Presidents Day hunting lodge weekend with Zombie Scalia
-- the last 5 red lights before home
-- spa day with Russell

#46091: Shortened Operas

-- La Bohemini
-- The Not-as-Magic Oboe
-- Nixon Gets Chinese Take-out

#43333: Stops along the Way to the Great Middle

-- expectation-lowering seminar
-- counter where they sell bus passes and pop
-- restroom of self-delusion

#63665: Where Is My Mind? (with apologies to The Pixies)

-- lotto fantasy camp
-- inside someone else's pants again
-- the usual empty room with the view of Lake Nothing

#15400: Non-Award-Winning Documentaries about Me (Not Yet Filmed)

-- "Scared Fat!"
-- "Sweet Oatmeal, and Other Uninteresting Fetishes"
-- "Staring Contest with Mediocrity: The J Diego Story"

#63578: When It Stopped Being Funny

-- When Jeff started doing it...
-- Cat stopped smiling, started biting...
-- PocketBucket List #43, probably...

#45088: First Names of the Unwelcome

-- Hurricane
-- Brent
-- "Leaky" Phil

#19251: Alternatives to Happy Ever After

-- Happy every other Wednesday from 5-8 in the evening after
-- Happy after Evan
-- Kind of happy (not really) but not in any obvious pain either ever after

#6666b: Who ELSE You Gonna Call?

-- Toast-busters!
-- Pot Roast-busters!
-- Donny Most-busters!

#9075: One Small Step for ____, One Giant ____ for ____

-- Manny, Drain-and-Fill Job, Manny's Pool Cleaner
-- Moths, Ineffectual Flapping Motion, Mothkind
-- Moose, Bruise, That Damn Drunk-ass Marmot

#47m: Yes, Even More Literary Collective Nouns

-- a giant shoe of nursery rhymes
-- a panopticon of Rashomon adaptations
-- a leaky backpack of love poems

47l: Yet More Literary Collective Nouns

-- a clusterfuck of critical essays
-- a tiki-bar of hipster poets
-- a mass debate of Onanist philosophers

#47k: Unpublished Dr. Suess Stories (Controversial)

-- The Caribou that Spat at You
-- Too Many Mongolians! Says Mr. Vongolium
-- I Saw 17 Things Through the Hole in the Fence

#47j: Less Popular Parts of the Book

-- drum solo after chapter 8
-- about the author, but it goes on for like, 12 pages
-- tiny light-blue footnotes in Esperanto

#47i: Early Drafts of Famous First Sentences

-- At my last job, everyone called me "I-Bone" because of something that happened on my first day there, but lately I have been going by the slightly more formal name, Ishmael Henderson.
-- Not only was it dark that night, but a storm was just wailing down on us and Countess Liesl was in a really pissy mood.
-- Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia kept burping up the comforting flavor of banana fritters, though he had had no breakfast that morning.

#47h: Under-used POV's

-- second person, once removed
-- omniscient (except can't remember where it left its keys) narrator
-- as told by a tiny wizard who lives in one of the finger holes of the hero's bowling ball