#38861: Odd Things that I’m Actually Quite Grateful for

-- cheap and plentiful rubber bands
-- the sound of my children snoring
-- the 3-item list form

#1002: If Not ____, Then ____ ?

 -- Butterscotch, When

 -- Here, Why Not

 -- Element J-212, Klerrrb

#28652: Guilty Pleasures (Other Species)

 -- nut fondling (squirrel)

 -- fondling Uranus (Neptunians)

 -- nut fondling (Jeff)

#5520: Feels like the Fourth Time

 -- seventh Star Wars movie

 -- first attempt to convince Uncle Doug that the Internet isn't a Soviet plot. 

 -- second trip to lice removal clinic

#46313: How It Should Have Ended

 -- Batman and Superman get it on, are embarrassed later. 

 -- Forrest Gump elected supreme dictator, fixes health care. 

 -- Citizen Kane escapes down mountain on sled

#79537: Corrections to Yesterday's List

 -- First item is actually the same as third item.

 -- Used the word "Taint" instead of the word "Trump."

 -- Third item is actually a repeat of first item.

#6702: ____ to the Left of Me, ____ to the Right

 -- Crowns, Dentures

 -- Clones, Jackalopes

 -- Klaus, Joan Collins

#59192: Up Shit ____ without a ____

 -- Alley, Switchblade

 -- Tower, Fire Escape

 -- Mountain, Can of Yeti Repellent

#41472: Other Things that I'm Ignoring

 -- "goo-goo eyes" from Louise in marketing

 -- tiny senior citizens in sock drawer

 -- X-mas lights spelling out warning

#41510: Add a "T," Make It Worse

 -- Clearasilt

 -- acidophylust

 -- near and fart

#19259: Rejected Mints

 -- Peepermint ("The gum that watches you get dressed!")

 -- Governmint ("Tastes just like congress!")

 -- Spiromint ("Now with 10% more Agnew!")

#6519: Spreadable at Room Temperature

 -- PocketBucket list writer's easy lack of virtue

 -- rumor about hidden race of super-pigs

 -- Leon

#44738: More Misheard Lyrics (slightly)

 -- I can't get no Sabbath action…

 -- Rikki don't lose that numb purse…

 -- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, bath mat!

#59682: Drives a Soft Bargain

 -- Siamese cat of Death

 -- Crazy Tiffany's used car lot

 -- Mister Muffins, the giggly hostage negotiator

#23118: Cooler than They Want to Admit

 -- ukulele covers

 -- leather hat

 -- glass of good booze

#10840: Collectibles (Not Yet)

 -- tasteful nudes of Republican presidential candidates

 -- my 8th-grade soccer jersey

 -- second virginity

#8649: Dance Hits that Missed

 -- The Brigham Young Shuffle

 -- Underarm Funk

 -- (C'mon) Do the Assclench!

#68075: Prison-Related Reasons to Sell House

 -- unsightly gun-towers

 -- too close to brother-in-law

 -- won't toss our baseball back over the fence

#74487: Special Sauce (Other Species)

 -- tears of foreign orphans (Dick Cheney)

 -- acorn drool (squirrel)

 -- Miracle-Whip (televangelfetishists)

#74120: Extra Commandments (Not Used)

 -- Thou shalt not make excessive lip-smacking and other yummy noises.

 -- Honor thy offers.

 -- Quit peeing in the sink.

#2980: I'd ____ a Mile in His ____

 -- Turkey-trot, Hip-boots

 -- Cringe, Insecurities

 -- Flounce, Bloomers

#76292: Assorted Surprises after Completely Undressing

 -- third foot but no third leg

 -- tattoo of Vivian Vance on taint

 -- date isn't retching

#43121: Red Rover, Red Rover, Can ____ ____ ____

 -- Someone Find Dover?

 -- Purple Look Mauver?

 -- Big Bird Bite Grover?

#22617: ____-about Is Fair ____

 -- Tern, Waterfowlage

 -- Vern, Earnest

 -- Gern, Blanston

#11785: More Rhymes for Bjork

 -- I heart New York

 -- refork

 -- Borkity-Bork

#64020: DWI's Less Successful Cousins

 -- DWM (Driving While Miffed)

 -- DWTSA (Driving While Terrestrial Squids Attack)

 -- DWEETAC (Driving While Entertaining Erotic Thoughts about Coworker)

#19058: Specialty of the House (Other Houses)

 -- treated rat-skin jacket (Discount Suede)

 -- peaches 'n lard (Pie)

 -- bracing after dinner discussion about Stendahl (Al Gore's)

#37219: Just Glad to Be Here (Not)

 -- Presidential Debate

 -- rehearsal dinner in Shelob's lair

 -- cannibal thanksgiving

#8266: More Rejected Toothpaste Flavors

 -- McGriddles

 -- creeping dread

 -- peppermint ass

#21729: Three More Wishes for the Genie

 -- three more wishes

 -- 12-inch pianist

 -- power to make it rain jellybeans

#13614: Preparations for the Inevitible

 -- get one of those donut-shaped chair pillows

 -- SPF 5800

 -- resignation speech pre-written on back of eylelids

#60469: M-I-S-S-____-I-S-S-____!

 -- A-P-P, O

 -- U-S-W-I-L-S-O-N, L-E-E-P-I-N-G-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-G-Y-M-T-E-A-C-H-E-R

 -- U-R-P, E-R-R

#71290: Reasons Not to Invite Dave to the Orgy

 -- hung like a velociraptor

 -- not enough kleenex in the world

 -- always shows up pre-lubed

#24602: Blues (Deserved)

 -- Got the Lowdown Ineffective Senate Majority Leader Blues

 -- Done Gone Confused the Lube with the Ben-Gay Agin

 -- Another Damn Friday with Ronald

#57464: More ___ than a ____ of ____

 -- sticky, sweatlodge, Jeffs

 -- questionable, banquet, microwaved meatballs

 -- than a woman, tenor section, disco crooners

#45202: Permanent Features of Mediocracy

 -- neighbor with lawn gnome fetish

 -- tattoo of Clara Peller on ass

 -- Monument to the Unknown Monument

#31246: This Workplace ____ -Free for More than 30 Days!

 -- cigarette

 -- terrestrial-squid-attack

 -- disappointing-bowel-movement

#36131: Less-Well-Defined Protagonists

 -- Professor Somebody

 -- guy whose name is only an ampersand

 -- will of American people

#69481: Future Lost Indo-European Languages

 -- Emoticonskrit

 -- Slurry Sinatra

 -- Robo-Pig Latin

#6366: ____ Yourself before You ____

 -- Spank, Thank

 -- Goose, Unloose

 -- Squeeze, Easy-Cheeze

#52609: Shameful Colors for Other Letters

-- The Cornflower Blue Q

-- The Lime Green D

-- The Mauve W

#44672: Unclaimed Medical Marijuana Strain Names

 -- L'il Orphan Greenie

 -- Kush-me Bowl-you

 -- Spinach Kucinich

#44683: Failed Corporate Jargon

 -- synchronize our Tele-Tubbies

 -- wang this over to HR

 -- multi-level cow milking

#44689: I ____ What I ____ and I ____ What I ____

 -- Meaned/Sayed, Sayed/Meaned

 -- Fed/Feared, Feared/Fed

 -- Groped/Needed, Kneaded/Groped

#44695: Not So Watery Graves

 -- no-booze, no-caffeine "cleanse"

 -- sarchophagus with spin cycle

 -- the tears of Dick Cheney

#44678: Yet More Disturbing Nightclub Names

 -- Testicles!

 -- Dances with Rabbis

 -- Eboland

#12616: More Imperfect Rhymes for Abe Vigoda

-- grape-ish soda

-- vape it, Rhoda

-- shaving Yoda

#44686: Less Secret Societies

 -- The Jackie-Masons

 -- The Shrineless

 -- The Loyal Order of French-fries

#44687: Cheers for Fears

 -- Yip-Yip-Yip-Icthyphobia!

 -- Rickety-Rack, Rickety-Bridge, Scared of Heights and Water, Midge!

 -- P, E, S-h-y, You Ain't Got No Alibi! You Pee-Shy! Huh? You Pee-Shy!

#44680a: Inside Every ____ Is a Tiny ____ Waiting to ____

 -- Ear, Venusian Ear Beetle, Get Approval to Build a Deck

 -- Senator, Senator, Personally Screen the New Interns

 -- Bonsai Tree, Squirrel, Steal Your Nuts

#44675: More Less Impressive Monuments

 -- Spiro Agnew Memorial Highway Rest Stop

 -- Tomb of the Unknown Swim Trunks

 -- Statue of Lethargy

#44669: Next Literary Supernatural Creature Trend

 -- Mer-Men

 -- Possesed NFL Referees

 -- Terrestrial Squids