#44691: Views into the Near to Very Near Future

 -- tiny winged bug about to fly up your nose

 -- previously suppressed flatulence becomes unsuppressed

 -- funny lists not going to "break through"

#44661: I Also Always Cry At

 -- weedings

 -- brisses

 -- Billy Jack film festivals

#44694: Banned Substances (Less Banned)

 -- strawberry poptarts

 -- distilled essence of irresponsiblity

 -- mildly hallucinogenic toad sweat

#44692: Nearer My Dog to Thee

 -- family leaves me in the car while it gets ice cream

 -- would rather go back to bed after breakfast

 -- not sure where that smell coming from

#44696: Yet More Rejected Disneyland Theme Rides

 -- Scar's Treacherous Water Slide

 -- Something about Those Mice on Ellis Island Water Slide

 -- Donald Duck Gets Gonorrhea Water Slide 

#59682: Middle-Distance Death Experiences

 -- some of my poems

 -- kissing a moose on the mouth

 -- Tamarac Square, Denver,  Decemeber 1981

#71043: Inappropriate Holiday Party Themes

 -- Bucket o' Naked Santas!

 -- "Kill the Heathen" & White-Elephant Gift Exchange

 -- Nobody Leaves Until I Find Out Who Clogged the Crapper

#44665: More Rejected Disneyland Theme Attractions

 -- Sebastian's Undersea Pleasure Grotto

 -- Goofy's Amtrak Disaster

 -- Whack-a-dwarf

#44697: Other Time Periods of Discontent

 -- the indian summer of our recorder recital

 -- cold snap of our chemically diminished sex drive

 -- 3-day weekend of our suburbia

#1126a: Post-Turducken Innovations in Gluttony

 -- piecaken

 -- enchiburrichimchangan

 -- xanvalambien

 

#61897: Yet More Euphemisms for Private Parts

-- Amsterdam

-- Mrs. Cunningham

-- Woodrow Wilson and the League of Nations (in my pants)

#54977: The First against the Wall

 -- Person who decided to move Friday from weekend to work week

 -- Primer paint

 -- Author of small print disclaimers on my Arby's coupons

#61091: Cherished-yet-Fuzzy Memories

-- that time I kissed what’s-his-or-her-name

-- being named “most likely to do something or other…”

-- the first time I saw that body of, I think, water

#84221: Who Let the ____s Out? (____)

 -- Methane Clouds, Dave of course

 -- Greased-Pig Metaphors, Crazy-ass Haiku Writer

 -- Room's Air, Guy from Sales who Brought Up the Wilson Account at Happy Hour

#10999: Try and ____ Again

 -- Destroy Troy

 -- Tricycle on the Roof of a Speeding Train

 -- Trip Trent

#33355: "Best Years of Our Lives!" (Other Demographics)

 -- Klerrrb-A-Palooza!, years 4407.7B - 4704.B7 (creature from Planet Klooot)

 -- Before the invention of dumpster lids but after the invention of dumpsters (raccoon)

 -- Early nirvana, when it still felt, y'know...earned (Buddha)

 

#1031b: Costumes (Ambiguous)

 -- Me, but taller somehow...

 -- Opthamologist

 -- Sexy mixed metaphor

#87310: Proud Accomplishments (Other Species)

 -- Listened to "In the Aeroplane over the Sea" but with the tracks in alpha order (hipster nerd)

 -- Pile of stolen nuts (squirrel)

 -- Got through hygiene lecture without giggling (teenage Al Gore)

#13741: Not Enough of, Ever

-- chocolate frosted donuts

-- non-stressful harmonica solos

-- hugs from my kids

#13944: Clerical Errors of the Supernatural

-- haunted by the ghost of former English teacher but you were never actually enrolled in her class

-- lycanthropic philanthropy

-- Ouija board got it wrong all fucking night, man

#13562: More Discontinued Clowns (too clingy)

-- Nostalgo

-- Hugs, the Bear-Hugging Half Bear

-- Disappointy-Head Dave

#13433: What Are We REALLY Trying to Accomplish Here?

-- make Al Gore giggle again

-- roll the old wooden ball into the smallest hole

-- nothing less than total world domination in a very narrow area

#13474: More Winning Strategies for the Apocalypse

 

-- Invest in good running shoes

-- Avoid any quartet of motorcyclists or horseback riders

-- zombification = gentrification w/o the cute shops

#13551: I Shall Fear No Eval

-- unspoken judgment of lady selling me 48-pack of twinkies

-- clown court

-- results from “Which Osmond Brother Is Your Myers-Briggs Type” online quiz (it’s going to be Meryl, though)

#13223: Are There Any Questions?

 

-- Who wants to know?

-- Why do you ask?

-- Any poptarts left?

#13187: The Responsible Thing

-- Because I misheard her say the word “folate”

-- Left life to the last minute again

-- Codependent relationship with donuts

#13720: Dangerously Unclear on the Concept

 

-- when cousin Marshall brought his collage pieces to that MMA tourney

-- cayenne jello

-- CrocDates.com ("Date a Live Crocodile tonight!")

#91115: Didn't Make It onto the Ark

 -- breed of cat that doesn't york in your shoes

 -- cast-iron pigeons

 -- Ursus Snoozebaricus

#13001: More Not to Be Repeated Moments

 

-- seventh grade

-- gonorrhea test

-- Trivial Pursuit with Al Gore

#13540: Less-Enrolled Electives This Semester

-- Total Honesty 2B

-- Showing Up on Time Seminar

-- Non-Masturbation Practicum

#13022: Friendly Insults

-- Your ass looks like my college roommate Paul (whom I always liked).

-- I am refreshed by your unironic vapidity!

-- Nice nuclear bomb, Einstein!

#13122: There Wasn’t Supposed to Be

-- fire ants

-- this awkward ride to the airport with Denise

-- chocolate-flavored potato chips

#13501: Why They Hate My Dog

-- mispronounces his woofs

-- will kill anyone who sits on that bench

-- still pooping out legos

#61324: Other Things I Can Do with My Toes

-- applaud at poetry readings

-- pick up dropped doritos

-- make you forget your troubles for awhile

#61222: Other Things, Besides a Fish, that You Can’t Tune

-- a casserole

-- a didjeridoo

-- a Siamese cat

#61727: More Nicknames for Big Feet

-- leg hammers

-- the Grand Toetons

-- pedal-pounders

#61654: Less Controversial Judgements of Paris

-- the BBQ burger instead of the quinoa salad

-- dark blue undershorts for formal events

-- Goddess of Love over Goddess of Head-lice

#93958: More Signs That It's Time to Panic

 -- streets crowded with feral pigs
 -- hard to find good blue jeans
 -- reanimation of dead presidents and/or 50's exercise gurus becomes a thing

#61445: Not-Quite-Solved Mysteries

-- What’s under there?

-- Why do you ALWAYS fall for that gag? (heh-heh, you said “underwear”)

-- Chickens, motivations thereof.

#61728: It’s Too Hot to ____

-- live up to my potential.

-- remain a “wearer of pants.”

-- not drink some chilled booze.

#8823a: Genetic Tangents (Tangenetics?)

 -- the platypus

 -- ribonucleic acid jazz solo

 -- over-production of 3-item lists

 

#64870: Heisenberg's Less-Popular Principles

 -- his "underpants exchange" principle

 -- his "certainty that Jennifer is sleeping with that guy from Spain" principle

 -- his "the principal is your pal" principle

#76429: Triggers for My PTSD

 -- circus clowns with beards

 -- the sound of many little girls laughing somewhere down a deserted hospital hallway

 -- anytime someone says "Big Fuzzy Spider Time!"

#55132: Songs that Make Me Wince at Dances

 -- "YMCA"

 -- "Memories" (from "Cats")

 -- "C'mon! (Everybody Do the Human Centipede!)"

#64461: Things that Skitter

 -- ice cubes on a hot stove

 -- weasels with long fingernails dancing on a tile floor

 -- my sanity on occasion

#42255: Tell-Tale Signs

 -- STOP (drinking so much before work, Steve.)

 -- MERGE (with Denise. Her boyfriend is in Toronto.)

 -- YIELD (shmeeld.)

#61477: Louie, Louie (Other Countries)

 -- Luis, Luis (Peru)

 -- Kim, Kim (North Korea)

 -- Moishe, Moishe (Israel)

#42255: Tell-Tale Signs

 -- STOP (drinking so much before work, Steve.)

 -- MERGE (with Denise. Her boyfriend is in Toronto.)

 -- YIELD (shmeeld.)

#71702: Cast Out of My Paradise

 -- soldiers in the chocolate donut army

 -- the Snooze Fairy

 -- President Chuckles

#8181 Cup Holders (Uncontested)

--Truth (The "Beauty Cup")

--Beauty (The "Truth Cup")

--Jeff (The "Whiffly Cup," Bakersfield Rec League Whiffle-Ball MVP, 1989)

#52500: Other Body Shapes Described by a Fruit or Vegetable

 -- asparagus

 -- pineapple

 -- star fruit

#19210: Whew, That Was a Middle-Distant Shave!

 -- escape from Chuck E. Cheese

 -- neighbor's angora goat

 -- taint clearing

#35573: Wet Blankets (other planets)

-- “No-klerb” Durrrrg (Plaent Kloot)

-- Sting (Arrakis)

-- Sting (Planet Hollywood)

#35572: Life of the Party! (other planets)

 

-- “Klerbish” Bleen! (Planet Kloot)

-- ol' Fumble-Nuts! (squirrel planet)

-- “Four-oh-one” Kay! (adulthood)

#35575: Unlikely Lotto Number Combinations

 

-- 1,2,3,4,6,5

-- Pi, age of oldest pet, exaggerated penis length x 10, good-looking neighbor’s address divided by 12, 40, the value of S in that equation from the movie about the science hero

-- 3, 33, 333, 3333, 6, 5

#21588: Misdemeanors against Humanity

 

-- salsa with no flavor

-- jaywalking a mile in somebody else’s shoes

-- TV shows where people try impress business executives and then whine about their experience directly to the camera

#54661a: Irregular Lengths

-- 2 1/3 Pams

-- distance between Mr. Johnson and his nemesis

-- duration of my good moods

#35574: Trends Not to Watch

-- tube socks with shorts popular again

-- increase in length and thickness of local back hair

-- naked selfies with Matlock

#9012: Check, Please!

-- whether there is a cement mixer in my blind spot

-- it before you wreck same

-- that lump on your taint

#35571: In Case of ____, Break ____

 

-- Eggos, Fast

-- Pretentiousness, Wind

-- Pushy but Good-Natured Wiseguys, Balls

#70498: Less Popular Graphers

-- fartographer

-- Quahographer

-- yomammographer

#74902: “That’s What Sheep Said!” (har-har-har…)

-- “Just tell me which direction to face.”

-- “Smells like wet wool up in here!”

-- “Bah ram you too, asshole!”

#81806: Less Popular Pinball Machine Themes

 

-- Operation Rescue!

-- The Golden Girls

-- all black

#45159: Yet More Rhymes for Spiro Agnew

 

-- Indira’s toe bag’s blue

-- Steer no nags, you!

-- Cheerio ragout

#31732: Now with Twice the Active Ingredient!

-- pro Zargballer from Planet Kloot (element J212)

-- this morning’s commute (homicidal blood-pressure surges)

-- that goddam cat (hairballs)

#51402: That's Entertainment (Other Species)

 -- Bllooozer and the Flying Zergs (creature from Planet Kloot)
 -- unnatural relations with a twinkie (Jeff)
 -- rubbing nuts (squirrel)

#84311: Stress-Free Careers

 -- 3-item list writer

 -- captive ferret

 -- grin reaper

#57671: Lesser Blues Songs

 -- Them Old Taco Bell Blues

 -- The Salmon-Colored Blues

 -- Dem Drivers Ed Blues

#37600: Employee of the Month

 -- goddam Ron again

 -- Cheeks, the new squirrel in nut sorting

 -- anyone who will sell me these cupcakes and then look away for ten minutes, no matter what noises they hear

#33433: More Than Coincidence??

 -- cantaloupe, can't elope

 -- Caddilac, cattle latch

 -- cardboard, crabcake

#14075: More Tourist Traps (Other Species)

 -- Giant Ball o' Nosehair (Jeff)

 -- The Great Klerrb Barrel (Creature from Planet Kloot)

 -- Hot, Sticky, Pink Hills on the Sidewalk (Ants)

#9549: Other Steely Dan Football References

 -- "Losin' it again...at Soldier Field"

 -- "Tottenham mamas, you shake it too!"

 -- "Indian-Apliss--they colts!"

#20000: A Few Items Left in the "Ol' Bag o' Tricks"

 -- shitload of loose 3-item lists

 -- disappearing head illusion

 -- "Charm Torpedo!"

#4776: NOT the Capital

 -- Arkansas City

 -- Utahpolis

 -- L'il Alaska

#55245: What Wouldn't I Do?

 -- Quit the band, right when we're taking off.
 -- Get off the airplane, right when we're taking off.
 -- Hold that purse, in this dress.

#8437b: Nerd Innuendoes

-- SQL Injection

-- Root Element

-- Pipe Delimiter

#76856: Bad Things to Get on 2-for-1 Night

 

-- an STD

-- kidney punch

-- hygiene lecture

#48124: Regrets, I’ve Had a Few…

-- the fannypack phase

-- doing it that other guy’s way

-- telling the policeman, “Your face has the right to remain silient!”

#85942: Exercises for the Over-Exercised

 -- 30-minute lay-downs

 -- 1 rep of take-a-load-offs

 -- 15 sweat-it-nots

#19047: Records Not to Set

 -- most consecutive gutterballs

 -- bushiest nosehair

 -- most squirrel bites on your wilson, two seasons running

#45970: Charting This Week

 -- chapped lips! (up 3 spots to Number 1!)

 -- ennui (this hot import from across the pond debuts at Number 2!)

 -- flatulence (still holding down the Number 3 spot...)

#94895: My Next Job Should...

 -- Be Closer to My House

 -- Be Easier to Understand

 -- Feature a Regular Open-Mike

#41798: Places People Go To in Songs Less Frequently

 -- office supply closet

 -- Swink, CO

 -- tunnel of reptiles 

#30511: Harvey Comics Characters Who Never Got Their Own Series

 -- Crusty, the Hygiene-challenged Ghost

 -- L'il Lecher

 -- Mitchell Middleclass

#69427: "That's Mr. ____ to You, Pal!"

 -- Mr. Henderson

 -- Pain-in-the-ass Good Samaritan

 -- Starting Quarterback for the St. Louis Rams

#40107: And Then I Woke Up….(More)

-- Edgar Allan Poe is washing my hair, but wait…that’s not shampoo!

-- startle response startled by more interior startle response

-- the curtain rises and the audience is made up entirely of shrieking tubers

 

#1666: Cheerful Disasters

 

-- Hurricane Peaches

-- that salmon-colored blazer Dad wore to the wedding

 -- the Hindenburp

#79576: Still More Collective Nouns

 -- a meta of collective nouns

 -- a dessert cart of poems

 -- a shooby-dooby of blue-footed boobys

#53336: What's the WIFI Password Again?

 -- w1f1

 -- th0s3G0dd4mM0nk3y5

 -- 9 (duh...)

#18749: Working ____? Or ___ Working?

 -- Week, Weakly

 -- Stiff, Stiffly

 -- the System, Digestive System Not

#42015: Blurbs from Poets on the Back of My Upcoming Collection, "The Year the Eggs Cracked" (Not)

 -- "J Diego Frey's poetry is better than his singing voice, barely!" -- T.S. Eliot

 -- "What Frey does with a stanza should be illegal in the Midwest!" -- Edna St. Vincent Millay

 -- "J Diego who?" -- Bob Frost

#19894: More Unpopular Spirit Animals

 -- jellyfish (in fact, most translucent invertbrates)

 -- Jeff

 -- stevia-badger

#49083: Flightless Verbs

-- ostriching

-- lead-ballooning

-- Pam-alogging

#62328: Worlds I Have Yet to Visit

 

-- Neptune

-- World of Tile

-- Planet Grown-up

#33241: Overstocked Edible Underwear Flavors

-- habanero-chedder

-- Denise

-- toasted yeast

#55403: Stays against Execution (Simple Bodily Functions Category)

-- not taking credit cards with you to the bar

-- agreement w/yourself to not jump out window when “Seasons in the Sun” comes on the radio

-- the “ol’ sphincter clench”

#73425: Monkeynote Speakers

-- Dr. Zaius (again)

-- Koko’s sign-language teacher

-- guy who drives the banana truck

 

#47488: Yet-To-Be-Released Car Models

-- Chevy Eviscerator

-- Kia Seeyawoodinwannabeeya

-- Lexus Shmexus

#37990: If Loving You Is Wrong…

-- …I don’t wanna get caught at it.

-- …what’s the correct answer then…D) All of the Above?

-- …loving your sister is wronger.

#42212: Less Popular Sir Mix-a-lot Songs

 

-- “Baby Got Cheap Filp-flops!”

-- “Baby Got Baco-bits!”

-- “Baby Got a Cold Sore! (Uh-Huh, Where?)”

#68469: The Betting Line for the Rest of the Century

 

-- pigeons + 6 over penguins

-- Richie Rich + 27 over Sackcloth Sal

-- slaps even vs. tickles

#8001: Descriptions that Stuck with Him

-- "just another clown in poetry's shoes"

-- "dances like a crash-test dummy"

-- "Parker Stevenson-y"

#9119b: What’s for Breakfast, Satan?

-- horribly burnt toast

-- steaming bowl of your own regrets

-- scorn flakes

#37382: Ships That Aren’t Coming In Any Time Soon

-- Denise

-- lottery

-- big Venezuelan ostrich ranch windfall

#10558: A Stretch, but I’ll Manage Somehow

-- adulthood

-- waiting until the end of the movie to pee

-- living/working with wolves

#20922: Clear Indicators

-- glass thumb

-- t-shirt has both the word “mustache” and a picture of a mustache on it

-- velociraptor is smiling

 

#37614: Media Hype Nicknames for the Terrestrial Squid Attack

 -- Squidpocalypse 2015!

 -- Superstorm Inky!

 -- Octogeddon!

#11215: What Is That Guy in the Background of the Live Video Feed from the City Council Muttering to Himself?

 -- Poetry, shmoetry...let's get to the goddam legislatin'!

 -- Soon, my pets,soon I will let you free to feast on the good citizens of this 'Burg. 

 -- The is the worst open-mike reading in history. 

#54110: Good Things to Put Off

 

-- checking my messages

-- an effective pheromone

-- people who “don’t appreciate” wanking jokes

#54221: Wouldn’t Want to Meet, Even in a Well-Lit Alley

-- spiders larger than poodles

-- the Republican-controlled congress

-- Twisty the clown

#4089b: More Icons of Oddness

-- Harry Carey

-- Mark Mothersbaugh

-- Dudley Enos

#75115: Breakfast Favorites (Other Species)

 

-- soft, just starting to rot nuts (squirrel)

-- 3-zorb omlette with klerrb and element J212 (creature from Planet Klooot)

-- rye toast, baby heads, coffee (Karl Rove)

#65462: More Unclaimed Alter-Egos

-- Metermaidman!

-- The Golden Asshole

-- Steve’s creepy cousin, Phillipe

#27707(f): Classic Book Titles with One Word Replaced by the Word "Eggplant"

 -- The Sound and the Eggplant

 -- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Eggplants

 -- Great Eggsplantations