#27707(e): Band Names with One Word in the Name Replaced by the Word "Eggplant"

 -- The Eggplants

 -- The Eggplant Boys

 -- Josie and the Eggyplants

#8433a: Semi-Furnished

 

-- the souls of DMV employees

-- a career plan based on the writing of 3-item lists

-- my pants

#48813: Southwestern U.S. State License Plate Mottoes (Suggested, by Ultimately Not Used)

 

-- Chiba Stick!...And Lotto! (CO)

-- Go Easy on the Street Tacos. (AZ)

-- Someday…This Will All Be Radioactive Rubble... (NV)

#84001: Newest Facebook Friends

-- Jesus

-- Jesus’s 70-year-old mother-in-law

-- spam Jesus

#6688b: More Collective Nouns (Extreme Category)

 -- a fuckload of wheat thins

 -- a giant tarantula of tarantulas

 -- a tsunami of Denise

#16621: Most Popular Flavors at Baskin Robbins in Purgatory

-- lemon-grime

-- wrathberry

 -- vanilla/vanilla swirl

#6671b: Early Gershwin Drafts

-- “Summertime and It’s a Livin’ (If You Follow My Meanin’…)”

-- “Rhapsody in Ecru”

-- “An American in a Parisian Restroom”

#7211: Less-Common Cloud Formations

-- strato-humorous

-- nimbo-fabulous

-- alto-microbus

#28664: Call It in the Air!

-- “shotgun” on that last parachute

-- direction tornado will take outhouse

-- Freds? Or Gayles?

#16724: Bands I Have Played in in Dreams

 -- Fred Rumpell and the Escalatiers
 -- TimeTeeth
 -- The Rolling Stones

#22686: Willing To (Just Not Available To)

-- drive you to airport

-- go the Burning Man with Ernest Hemingway’s skeleton in a suitcase

-- spank naughty strangers

#54122: Less Popular Syrups

-- Mabel syrup

-- Papal syrup

-- navel syrup

#11766: Shaped like—but Not—a Breakfast Burrito

-- Dan Manzanares

-- the time between conjugal visits

-- this metaphor

#54628b: My Mama Done Tol’ Me (More)

-- Don’t spank you no chickens!

-- Don’t buy you no snuggies!

-- Don’t post you no 3-item lists on social media sites!

#15072: That Motorcycle Sounds Like

-- my colon an hour after lunch

-- somebody imitating a puma

-- your grandma, when she’s angry

#6877: Heart of ____, Feet of ____

 

-- Gold, Gold Also

-- Darkness, Mistah Kurtz

-- Cheetos, Cool Whip

#51360: Latest Hip Acronymic Slang (LHAS)

 

-- PUDIP (Pants Unzipped, Dancing in Public)

-- MTHSML (Man-Turtle Hybrid Senate Majority Leader)

-- TSAB (Terrestrial-Squid-Attack Bait)

 

#49852; Unsympathetic Sneeze Responses

-- “You disgust me with the noises you make and the viscosity of your bodily fluids.”

-- “I hope your nose falls off.”

-- “Bless your worst enemy, and his girlfriend Pam.”

#71024: Thanksgiving Main Dishes on Other Planets

-- roast Varrj with element J-212 stuffing (Planet Kloot)

-- a soup made from the bone marrow of unhappy welfare recipients (Dick Cheney’s space fortress)

-- methane brownies (Neptune)

 

#83877: Carry-On Personal Baggage

-- irrational fear of other people’s forearms

-- incipient results of that breakfast burrito

-- certainty that “man was not meant to fly”

#20993: Wish I Could Change

 

-- where I spend my days

-- what I spend my days doing

-- the pants of God

#51607:Chalk It All Up To…

 

-- the area’s vast deposits of calcium carbonate

-- the rough outline of the deceased

-- Leon

#41252: More Things that Come in Situationally Altered Amounts

-- Eric Baker’s dozen (15)

-- ten of Steverino (7.3)

-- 30-pack of Oreos at Costco (75)

#3400: Don’t Listen To

-- me

-- Klaus

-- that mean-looking actress in the exercise video

#39812: Scandalous, Once

 

-- masturbation

-- the Beatles

-- instant breakfast

#22717: Good to Have during a Terrestrial Squid Attack

-- feather dusters

-- aerosol can of Squid-Away

-- Liquid Paper

#25902: More Defeated Amendments

-- Amendment 802-2012: The “Let’s Just Give It All Back to the Insects” Amendment

-- Amendment 4002-2002: The “Anyone Else Have a Problem with That?” Amendment

-- Amendment 30-2013: The “I Just Want to Crawl Off Somewhere and Sob Openly about How Much I Miss My Mom’s Pot Roast” Amendment

#50718: Down by the River (One Week Earlier)

-- I shot a mannequin dressed to look like my baby.

-- I cooled my tootsies in the clean running water.

-- I picked up scattered bits of mannequin.

#37552: Yet More Discontinued Clowns (Taken Off the Market Due to Complaints from Consumer Groups)

-- Senator Scabs  (The Clown with Hygiene Problems)

-- Curdles the Clown  (The Clown with the Sour Milk Smell)

-- Bubonic Joe

#1031b: Increasingly Less-Popular Halloween Costumes [Inside Joke Category]

 

-- “That time Dave’s cat crapped in my shoe”

-- “More like…Wolfgang Schmuck!”

-- “The thing with the banana tacos...you know...in Ensenada? Remember?"

#50204: Grannies of Doom

-- Nana Hitler

-- Satan’s Bubbe

-- The Graminator

#37551: More Discontinued Clowns (Taken Off the Market Due to Complaints from Angry Moms)

-- Sweary Larry (The Potty-Mouthed Clown)

-- Grabbo (The Clown who Can’t Keep His Hands to Himself)

-- Heisenboing

#19174: Cartoon-Character Tattoos

-- Betty Worth on the left butt cheek

-- Bill the Cat on face

-- SpongeBob and your nipples are his eyes

#50112: More Bad Advice

-- The answer, my friend, is “more Jagermeister.”

-- Laugh at the funny policeman’s shocky phone!

-- Stay sweet.

#81632: Surprisingly Effective “Talking Cures”

-- applied utilization of choice expletives

-- the 6-minute groan

-- repeatedly saying “Nobody has to die tonight” through your clenched teeth on the drive home from work

#2526b: More Superheroes that I Believe Actually Exist

-- Captain Squishy  (“Protecting the world from an excess of sour-cream and onion potato chips!”)

-- The Kvetch  (“Able to alter history through the power of his complaining!”)

-- Halitosio!

#5121: "I'll Be _____ for My Own _____"

 -- Late, Circumcision

 -- Groggy, Audience with the Pope

 -- Awake, Funeral

#62041: The Raw Materials of Common Emotions

-- wool (nervousness)

-- vinyl (fear)

-- spandex (love)

#41854: Is That Even Possible?

-- Time Travel (maybe)

-- Lime Travel (yes)

-- Mime Travel (yes, but not advisable)

#32516: Walk _____ly and Carry a Big _____

 -- Knowing, Epiphany

 -- Delicate, Soap Bubble

 -- Ironical, Twist

#6806a: Still Rechargeable

 -- Jeanine (God bless her)

 -- the next round

 -- rhinos in heat

#49210: Call If You Need Anything, Except

 -- a stern talking-to

 -- another "happy ending"

 -- drool bucket emptying

#71153: More Difficult Deliveries

 

-- 15 kegs of Schlitz to Everest base camp

-- keynote speech at National Laser Pointer Enthusiasts Association banquet

-- station wagon full of free-range lobsters

#70045: Non-Pisa Leaning Towers

 -- The Leaning Tower of Un-Lived-Up-To Potential 

 -- The Leaning Tower of Flapjacks

 -- The Leaning Tower of Dennis, Ever Since the Operation

#81811: I'd Rather Be a _____ than a _____ (Yes I Would)

 -- Dolphin, Whale

 -- Gulag, Jail

 -- Thermos, Grail

#83901: Under-Used First Dance Songs

 -- "Last Dance" (Donna Summer)

 -- "Theme from Hill Street Blues"

 -- "Backdoor Man"

#47777: Could Work (Just Crazy Enough…)

 

-- The “Espresso and Styrofoam Peanuts” Diet

-- Licking batteries to make yourself temporarily smarter

-- Dressing up like Ben Franklin/bluffing way in

#84322: Lesser Tri-City Areas

 -- Nowhere, Dirt, and Sorrow's Ranch, ND

 -- Swink, Swank, and Swunk, CO

 -- Nixon, Little Nixon, Jeff's "Little Nixon", NV

#8402: In Transition

 -- Polar North

 -- my hairline

 -- breakfast

#2222b: Under-used Twin Names

 -- Marvin & Blarvin

 -- Follow & Stalker

 -- Trouble & Marcy

#54221: That Which I Don't _____ Could Fill a _____

 -- floss, billiard ball

 -- see naked (but want to), large concert venue

 -- accomplish each day, gunnysack o' guilt

#74512: Foster Family (Other Members)

 -- Ol' Uncle Tributary

 -- Babblin' Gramma Brook 

 -- Young Man River

#66210: What They're Smearing All Over Themselves

 -- a paste made of dates and goat cheese

 -- Sylvia

 -- blame for lackluster economy

#78400: Otherwise, No

 -- It's not turkey bacon is it?

 -- Can I at least wear my lucky hat?

 -- Jesus loves me, right?

#43180: More Cardinal Rules

 -- Never call the bishop "Shorty."

 -- Hats stay ON in the restroom.

 -- No "polishing the relic."

#2915b: On the Other Hand

 -- the other glove

 -- temporary tattoo from Chuck E. Cheese

 -- sticky black stuff

#88338: Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo (Also)

 -- Syracuse buffalo
 -- the health inspector
 -- themselves, late at night

#56442: Unexpected Wedding Speakers

 -- the health inspector

 -- Mike Ditka

 -- Jesus

#20812: More Things Not to Throw at the Bride and Groom

 -- lawn darts

 -- ex-wives

 -- meat

#80821: Bendy Straw Polls

 -- Gumby vs. Pokey (1970)
 -- show of hands at the Boneless Congress
 -- House vote on "who dealt it"

#33608: Near-Life Experiences

 -- staff meeting

 -- buying things in malls using gift-cards

 -- second date with Louise

#5562c: Encounters in Extra-Dimensional Time

 -- dude at party has same birthday as you
 -- your spouse tells you several anecdotes that you've heard before
 -- a lecture from Ranger Tweed

#75854: Inappropriate Wedding Toast Subjects

 -- regicide

 -- college experiments with the transvestite sorority

 -- flatuence

#63097: Some Winners from this Year's Monotony Awards

 -- plain rice cakes (Crunchy Snack category)

 -- Dave's job (Best New Purgatorial Environment)

 -- Dave's masturbation habits (Lifetime Achievement Award)

#41886: Helium Is to Balloon as...

 -- Vicodin is to Monday morning.

 -- Plushies are to a convention of Japanese dentists

 -- Compliments are to a poet

#55173: Landmarks that Serve as Good Euphemisms for Various Body Parts

 -- the Grand Tetons

 -- the Leaning Tower of Pisa

 -- Lake Titicaca

#24421: Tourist Traps (Other Planets)

-- Neptune's methane beaches!
-- the Cave of No Return on Naked Singularity 65008A
-- LunaDisneyland

#77123: More Failed Movie Theater Candies

-- Good 'n' Sweatys
-- Giant popcorn hats
-- Junior Blints

#2230: Muscles (Less-Used)

-- deltacoids
--anterior harriet
-- empathiceps 

#5309b: Mammals Who Have Successfully Run for President

-- Bronco Bama
-- Hairy Truman
-- the Great White Eisenhower

#50155: Favorite Suggestions Given to Me from the Fifth Grade at Mieklejohn Elementary for Words that Rhyme with Nougat

-- Gogurt
-- Snoogat
-- Fugitive

List #64000: Things Besides CO Amendment 64 that the Feds Should Crack Down On

-- tailgating
-- putting shrimp in my hot and sour soup
-- styrofoam peanuts

List #121212a: Things Everyone Should Have a Dozen Of

-- friends who make you laugh
-- days off
-- comfortable pairs of underpants

#5221a: Mayan Apocalypse-Era Holiday Songs

-- "Grandma Got Run Over by a Stampeding Crowd of Walmart Shoppers"
-- "I Saw Uncle Steve Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "Dreidel, Shmeidel. Get Me a Beer"

#122112b: It's the End of the World as We Know It and I Feel ____

-- Strangely Unfulfilled
-- Some Kind of Elongated Rodent (a Ferret, Perhaps) in My Sleeping Bag
-- Fine-ish

#27707(a): Classic Rock Songs (or Album Titles) with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant”

-- The Dark Side of the Eggplant
-- A Whiter Shade of Eggplant
-- Jumpin' Jack Eggplant

#21113: Sure-to-Be-Ignored Nominations to Replace that Pope What Up and Quit

-- Daffy Duck
-- Barney Frank
-- can of cheez-wiz

#20647: Reasons Why They Just Can’t Seem to Get It Right

-- Sun and/or Moon was in their eyes.
-- Pope made too many last-minute demands.
-- Soup-making an “inexact” science.

#34980: Kitties of Industry!

-- The Persian Plutocrat
-- Siamese dock workers
-- Tabby bartenders

#13266: Pope Names Considered but Ultimately Rejected by Francis I

-- Pope Sammy II
-- Pope Crazyman Lupe Vargas I
-- Pope Alope V

#59555: Words Shakespeare Did NOT Introduce into the English Language

-- ginormous
-- bootylicious
-- NASDAQ

#861: Alliterative Activities (Less Liked)

-- dumpster dancing
-- porcupine proctologizing
-- congressman cuddling

#15127: Choose A Side

-- shirts or skins
-- skorts or culottes
-- Berts or Ernies

#76164: More Rhymes for “Spiro Agnew”

-- “hero bag Jew”
-- “zero-mag shoe”
-- “Nero's nag glue”

#77441: Spending the Change On

-- donation to fund for two-headed kitten
-- tip for the nice burrito lady
-- steroid-enhanced breath mints

#48432: Bigger Problem than Pocket Lint

-- pocket llama
-- pocket lobster
-- pocket Lester

#32484: Patriotic Gestures (Other Planets)

-- releasing flock of Flerrbs (Planet Klooot)
-- flatulizing the national anthem (Neptune and Uranus)
-- painting your geezbor red, white, blue, and zeep (Western Florida)

#81217: Whence My Headache

-- surfin' Facebook on my phone screen
-- flourescent lights, cheap pizza
-- that ol' existential angst

#12209: Kim Jong Un's other best pals

-- Miniature Dennis Rodman
-- Buffles the Panda
-- taxidermied dad

#42014c: Yet Still More Recent JDiego Failures

-- Ignored the warning label on that bottle of tequila. 
-- Ignored the erotic content of that passing comment. 
-- Thought too hard about this pocketbucket list.

#1462b: Less Popular Team Mascots

-- the Tempe Urology College “Fighting Dribbler”
-- the University of Oregon at Coos Bay “Giant Coos Beast”
-- the HamHung Campus of Kim Jong Un Military Academy “Happy Ham Hanger”

#7509: 3 More Underappreciated Obsessive Behaviors

-- constantly checking the “trapdoor flap” on your union suit
-- impulse to speak out loud the word that most closely sounds like the noise your body just made
-- spanking cats

#8776: Less Popular Albums from Dylan’s Flamboyantly Gay Period

 

-- Positively Whatever, Girlfriend

-- Dylan Sings Sondheim, Volume 2

-- Zimmy Unzipped

#7256b: Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What Ya Gonna Do?

 

-- steal your moped

-- poop on couch

-- blame Leon

#12962: Lesser-Used but Still Valid Prejudices

-- hatred of Smurfs

-- preference for extra-crispy bacon

-- left-handed masturbation

#50229b: More Sitcom Characters Whose Names Get Shouted Out during Sex

-- Schneider!

-- Weezy!

-- Fraser’s dad!!

#62: Just How Dumb Do You Think I Am??!

 

-- real dumb

-- even dumber still

-- dumber than a dead and taxidermied dumb guy

#50229a: Sitcom Characters Whose Names Get Shouted Out during Sex

-- Schultz!

-- Alf, Alf, Alf!

-- Thurston Howell the Third!!

#47671: Bad Vegetables to Be Naked With

 

-- artichokes

-- English cucumber

-- Ann Coulter

#27473: You Can’t Make _____ without Squeezing a Few _____

 

-- mango-ade, mangoes

-- a tenor section, baritones

-- bail, sleeping relatives

#42014b: Some More Recent Failures on the Part of JDiego

 

 -- Still unable to let go of you-know-what. 

 -- Still unable to let go of you-know-where. 

 -- Microwaved his lunch, twice. 

#32014a: More of JDiego's Failures in the Past 12 Months

 -- Didn't buy low. 

 -- Didn't sell high. 

 -- Stared too long at Kardashian selfie. 

#1462b: Less Popular Team Mascots

-- the Tempe Urology College “Fighting Dribbler”

-- the University of Oregon at Coos Bay “Giant Coos Beast”

-- the HamHung Campus of Kim Jong Un Military Academy “Happy Ham Hanger”

#4546: Extra Months (Removed to Create the Standard 12-Month Year)

 

-- Maynot

-- Dogsmember

-- Veryhairygaryuary

#7898d: Impossible New Year’s Resolutions

 

-- Determine what the fox says.

-- Reverse the Earth’s rotational direction with goal of turning back time and thus avoiding my date in the Eighties with that foreign exchange student who spent all of dinner sneering at me and then later told everyone it was that night she had decided to become a lesbian.

-- Cut back on the breakfast burritos.