#5881: Self-Guided Tours

--lump-check on "the boys"
--late night inventory of character flaws
--journey to the bottom of the Cheetos bag

#1225c: Xmas Traditions for Cats

--peeing on the gingerbread house
--clawing Santa Claus
--catnip-nog

#64210: Parallel Universe Grateful Dead Concerts

-- Drums, Space, and Sauerkraut
-- Drums, Space, and Debbie
-- Drums, Space, and Carl Sagan's colonoscopy video

#60201: Rejected Band Names (Too Pynchon-esque)

- Bombastic A-Hole
- Process 37-D
- The Wasted References

#19605: The Other Answer, My Friend...

- Is Growing on Your Shin
- Is Nothing More than Gin
- Is Glowing in Berlin

#25002: Secret Santa (Other Countries)

- L'invisible Monique (France)
- Stoompa Clug (Sweden)
- Dead Uncle (Haiti)

#4009: Other Things I Have Sired

--neighborhood flu outbreak
--nascent political movement to stop singing "Happy Birthday to You" and sing Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song instead
--desire to put me in my place

#8121b: Automotive Terms that Make Me Giggle Nervously

--stick shift
--cam shaft
--Lubemaster

#44221: Coochie-Coochie! (Different Tenses)

--Coochied-Coochied! (past)
--Will have Coochied-Will have Coochied! (furture perfect)
--Coochied've-Coochied've (subjunctive)

#53391: More Hostile Questions from the Poetry Reading Q&A

--Dude, how can you take yourself seriously as a man?
--What's the deal with all the images of Winston Churchill naked?
--You know what else rhymes with poet?

#7210: Bank Holidays (Other Banks)

--Vodka Delivery Day (Memory)
--St. Styptic's Day (Blood)
--Picturing Winston Churchill Naked Day (Sperm)

#4609: Better than "Having Your Salad Tossed"

-- "Having Your Eclair Filled"
-- "Having Your Crescent Rolled"
-- "Having Your Burrito Smothered"

#40933: Still Avoiding the "Truth" about...

- hair loss
- hamburgers
- handjobs from "Helen"

#77101: Less-Popular Ice-Capades Themes

-- Prison Riot on Ice!
-- Icy Stares on Ice!
-- Office Supplies on Ice!

#249: Other Languages Spoken

-- Spanish, but the lisping kind
-- Guinea Pig
-- Hand-Jive

#53520: More Identity Questions

-- What if you're a gay man who is really a lesbian?
-- What if you're a squirrel who is actually a congressman?
-- What is you're a taco who is actually an ice-cream taco?

#MXMVII: Rejected Roman Numerals

-- F
-- U
-- @

#3428: Ones "That Got Away"

-- post-graduate education
-- chance to live in Bonobo-themed commune
-- the last cupcake

#45203: Monsters I Could See Myself Dating

-- the Minotaur
-- Grendel's mom
-- Cher