#5562c: Encounters in Extra-Dimensional Time

 -- dude at party has same birthday as you
 -- your spouse tells you several anecdotes that you've heard before
 -- a lecture from Ranger Tweed

#75854: Inappropriate Wedding Toast Subjects

 -- regicide

 -- college experiments with the transvestite sorority

 -- flatuence

#63097: Some Winners from this Year's Monotony Awards

 -- plain rice cakes (Crunchy Snack category)

 -- Dave's job (Best New Purgatorial Environment)

 -- Dave's masturbation habits (Lifetime Achievement Award)

#41886: Helium Is to Balloon as...

 -- Vicodin is to Monday morning.

 -- Plushies are to a convention of Japanese dentists

 -- Compliments are to a poet

#55173: Landmarks that Serve as Good Euphemisms for Various Body Parts

 -- the Grand Tetons

 -- the Leaning Tower of Pisa

 -- Lake Titicaca

#24421: Tourist Traps (Other Planets)

-- Neptune's methane beaches!
-- the Cave of No Return on Naked Singularity 65008A
-- LunaDisneyland

#77123: More Failed Movie Theater Candies

-- Good 'n' Sweatys
-- Giant popcorn hats
-- Junior Blints

#2230: Muscles (Less-Used)

-- deltacoids
--anterior harriet
-- empathiceps 

#5309b: Mammals Who Have Successfully Run for President

-- Bronco Bama
-- Hairy Truman
-- the Great White Eisenhower

#50155: Favorite Suggestions Given to Me from the Fifth Grade at Mieklejohn Elementary for Words that Rhyme with Nougat

-- Gogurt
-- Snoogat
-- Fugitive

List #64000: Things Besides CO Amendment 64 that the Feds Should Crack Down On

-- tailgating
-- putting shrimp in my hot and sour soup
-- styrofoam peanuts

List #121212a: Things Everyone Should Have a Dozen Of

-- friends who make you laugh
-- days off
-- comfortable pairs of underpants

#5221a: Mayan Apocalypse-Era Holiday Songs

-- "Grandma Got Run Over by a Stampeding Crowd of Walmart Shoppers"
-- "I Saw Uncle Steve Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "Dreidel, Shmeidel. Get Me a Beer"

#122112b: It's the End of the World as We Know It and I Feel ____

-- Strangely Unfulfilled
-- Some Kind of Elongated Rodent (a Ferret, Perhaps) in My Sleeping Bag
-- Fine-ish

#27707(a): Classic Rock Songs (or Album Titles) with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant”

-- The Dark Side of the Eggplant
-- A Whiter Shade of Eggplant
-- Jumpin' Jack Eggplant

#21113: Sure-to-Be-Ignored Nominations to Replace that Pope What Up and Quit

-- Daffy Duck
-- Barney Frank
-- can of cheez-wiz

#20647: Reasons Why They Just Can’t Seem to Get It Right

-- Sun and/or Moon was in their eyes.
-- Pope made too many last-minute demands.
-- Soup-making an “inexact” science.

#34980: Kitties of Industry!

-- The Persian Plutocrat
-- Siamese dock workers
-- Tabby bartenders

#13266: Pope Names Considered but Ultimately Rejected by Francis I

-- Pope Sammy II
-- Pope Crazyman Lupe Vargas I
-- Pope Alope V

#59555: Words Shakespeare Did NOT Introduce into the English Language

-- ginormous
-- bootylicious
-- NASDAQ

#861: Alliterative Activities (Less Liked)

-- dumpster dancing
-- porcupine proctologizing
-- congressman cuddling

#15127: Choose A Side

-- shirts or skins
-- skorts or culottes
-- Berts or Ernies

#76164: More Rhymes for “Spiro Agnew”

-- “hero bag Jew”
-- “zero-mag shoe”
-- “Nero's nag glue”

#77441: Spending the Change On

-- donation to fund for two-headed kitten
-- tip for the nice burrito lady
-- steroid-enhanced breath mints

#48432: Bigger Problem than Pocket Lint

-- pocket llama
-- pocket lobster
-- pocket Lester

#32484: Patriotic Gestures (Other Planets)

-- releasing flock of Flerrbs (Planet Klooot)
-- flatulizing the national anthem (Neptune and Uranus)
-- painting your geezbor red, white, blue, and zeep (Western Florida)

#81217: Whence My Headache

-- surfin' Facebook on my phone screen
-- flourescent lights, cheap pizza
-- that ol' existential angst

#12209: Kim Jong Un's other best pals

-- Miniature Dennis Rodman
-- Buffles the Panda
-- taxidermied dad

#42014c: Yet Still More Recent JDiego Failures

-- Ignored the warning label on that bottle of tequila. 
-- Ignored the erotic content of that passing comment. 
-- Thought too hard about this pocketbucket list.

#1462b: Less Popular Team Mascots

-- the Tempe Urology College “Fighting Dribbler”
-- the University of Oregon at Coos Bay “Giant Coos Beast”
-- the HamHung Campus of Kim Jong Un Military Academy “Happy Ham Hanger”

#7509: 3 More Underappreciated Obsessive Behaviors

-- constantly checking the “trapdoor flap” on your union suit
-- impulse to speak out loud the word that most closely sounds like the noise your body just made
-- spanking cats

#8776: Less Popular Albums from Dylan’s Flamboyantly Gay Period

 

-- Positively Whatever, Girlfriend

-- Dylan Sings Sondheim, Volume 2

-- Zimmy Unzipped

#7256b: Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What Ya Gonna Do?

 

-- steal your moped

-- poop on couch

-- blame Leon

#12962: Lesser-Used but Still Valid Prejudices

-- hatred of Smurfs

-- preference for extra-crispy bacon

-- left-handed masturbation

#50229b: More Sitcom Characters Whose Names Get Shouted Out during Sex

-- Schneider!

-- Weezy!

-- Fraser’s dad!!

#62: Just How Dumb Do You Think I Am??!

 

-- real dumb

-- even dumber still

-- dumber than a dead and taxidermied dumb guy

#50229a: Sitcom Characters Whose Names Get Shouted Out during Sex

-- Schultz!

-- Alf, Alf, Alf!

-- Thurston Howell the Third!!

#47671: Bad Vegetables to Be Naked With

 

-- artichokes

-- English cucumber

-- Ann Coulter

#27473: You Can’t Make _____ without Squeezing a Few _____

 

-- mango-ade, mangoes

-- a tenor section, baritones

-- bail, sleeping relatives