PocketBucket List #7898b: Easy New Year’s Resos

 

-- Start arbitrarily shortening all 4-syllable and above words to cuter 2-syllable forms.

-- Incorporate one more pillow into my sleeping arrangement.

-- Poop indoors more.

PocketBucket List #35209: Conversation Topic from the Office Holiday Party, or Indie Band?

-- Pope Richard and the H&Ts

-- Donor Bones

-- The Satan Clause

#12256: Less Popular Gift Ideas for the Kids

 -- "Baby Hitler" Playtime Bunker Set (includes "Achtung" the Puppy!)

 -- "Tickle Me L. Ron (Hubbard)"

 -- big bag o' scrap metal

#54697: Gifts That Don’t Keep On Giving

-- junior mint
-- ticket to Disneyland North Korea
-- 3-item list

#8035: Things NASA Hopes the Mars Rover Does NOT Find

-- NASA’s missing dry cleaning claim check

-- the keys to that car whose alarm has been going off for approximately a year in the NASA parking lot

-- Jimmy Hoffa and/or Geraldo Rivera

#1251c: Knock, Knock (Who’s There?)

 

-- Ya

-- Boo

-- male pattern baldness

#23848: Dungeons and Dragons Characters I Always Wanted to Be (But Didn’t Hang Out with Right Group of Nerds in High School)

-- Rootbeer the Flatulent (warrior-dwarf)

-- Jolie (oversexed trans-gender cleric)

-- Prince Uzi (gun-toting elf)

#29182: What I Did on My Summer Vacation (Predictive Edition)

-- went to work for effing most of it

-- drank significantly more tequila than I should’ve

-- went to France

#5207b: Groupon Deal Subjects or Opening Acts for Phish?

 -- Laser Toenail Hair Removal

 -- Lunar Manscaping

 -- Bouncy Castle Afternoon

#55462: Also Using Steroids (As Far As I Can Tell)

 

-- El Nino

-- the Dickman brothers

-- neighbor’s 42-pound cat

#46619: More Literary Penis Nicknames (Inspired by ShakespeareTragedies)

 -- Poor Yorick
 -- sailor's thumb
 -- Little Iago

#73240: Things That Do Not Belong in My Breakfast Burrito

-- your teeth

-- tempeh

-- Terry Bradshaw’s teeth

#84841: Separated at Birth?

-- Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb

-- cats and sleep-deprivation study experts

-- Mr. Peanut and Nazi apologist Herr Erdnuss

#19123: Didn’t Do Because Too Busy (Regrets Division)

-- Peace March across the US for Nuclear Disarmament

-- kayaking the Grand Canyon

-- completely remove foil from breakfast burrito

#78221: It’s Fun to Stay at the Y ____! (Also)

-- DWDIITR (don’t we do it in the road)
-- U R T
-- O L O

#57711: Less Impressive Presidential Libraries

-- The Millard Fillmore Archives-moblie
-- The James K. Polk 2 Crates o’ Pamphlets
-- The George W. Bush Collected Unswerving Beliefs in His Own Moral Rectitude and Frozen Yogurt Stand

#972: Who’s Yer Daddy?

-- Mr. Wilson
-- dead milkman
-- yer mom.

#7454b: 3 Things that Are Shaped Like a Football that You Wish Weren’t Shaped Like a Football

-- that one baby’s head
-- breakfast burrito from restaurant with health-code issues
-- your workweek

#65437: Useful Life-Skills (Not Widely Taught)

-- how to not offer your opinion every time
-- how to apply correct amount of salad dressing
-- how to not audibly hum “Six-Million-Dollar Man” theme music in public bathrooms

#64323: Titles of Poetry Collections I Have Yet to Start Writing

-- The Last Weep of Sobbo the Clown
-- Meta-Forks
-- Stonehenge in My Pants

#79023: If It’s Not ____, Then It Won’t _____

-- emu meat, taste like a really big chicken
-- the funeral of a clown, make sense to throw a cream pie into the open casket
-- funny underpants, make me want to dance

#15127: Choose A Side

-- shirts or skins

-- skorts or chins

-- Berts or Ernies

69225: Wheel of Fortune (Other Dimensions)

-- Sphere of Lucky Coincidence (3rd)
-- Terragropp of Snergs (265th)
-- Dot of That’s All, Man (1st)

#44992: ____ Plus Time Equals ____

-- Twinkie, Twinkie
-- Brussel Sprouts, Need for Solitude
-- Procrastination, A Rich Well of Unpublished PocketBucket Lists

#53771: Next Year, If Not in Jerusalem, Then In

-- the Arbys on Colorado Blvd.
-- the “Cave of the Winds!”
-- a sleeping bag with several dozen bootleg Hostess Twinkies.

#47821: Some Things I Meant to Do

-- clean lint filter
-- learn Cantonese
-- assess the many small catastrophes my continued existence has bestowed upon this weeping earth

#32012b: The Three Horsemen of the Alpacalypse

-- ScratchyWool
-- AltitudeSickness
-- DirtyWetSockSmell

#82819: Movie Titles from the Shelf-Lifetime Network

-- A Ritz to Remember
-- Mustard Misunderstood
-- The Tchotchke Sisterhood

#6144: Whence My Confusion

-- use of the word “whence”
-- that I’m still allowed near the donuts
-- Tuesday, but feels like April

#44862: Grab Bag!

-- Channing Tatum O’Neal
-- kimjongtini
-- the third flying monkey out of one’s ass

#70213: Oscar Hosts Under Consideration for Next Year’s Show (Not)

-- Kim Jong Un
-- Honey Badger Guy
-- J Diego

#2008b: Other Things with Which He Is Killing Me Softly

 -- his atonal humming
 -- his constant references to that time a guy told him he'd make a good navy seal
 -- his flatulence

#51412: President Parts

-- Lincoln's left foot
-- Harding's philtrum
-- Washington's patellas

#21413a: Less Popular Valentines Candy Heart Messages

-- LUV GLUV
-- HEIL VALENTINE!
-- I'M FRACKIN' 4 U!

#40804: Odd Flavored Snack Items Spotted in Clearance Food Aisle at the Dollar Store

-- Hostess meat pies
-- Doritos Xtreme poodle flavor
-- Pop-Tartars

#27707(d): Famous (Possibly Apocryphal) Quotes with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant”

-- "We have nothing to eggplant but eggplant itself" - Eggplant Roosevelt
-- "You can't make an eggplant without cracking a few eggs." - J Eggplant Frey
-- "I regret that I have but one eggplant to give for my country." - Nathan Eggplant

#27707: Famous Movie Titles with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant” (Titles Chosen for Maximum Ambiguity So As to Subtly Undermine the Entire Premise of the Bit)

-- Mrs. Eggplant
-- The Eggplant
-- The Bridge over the River Eggplant

#22891c: More Rejected Metric Prefixes

-- boehno-
-- coochi-
-- zeezo-

#65120: Things Not to Bring Up in an Inaugural Poem

-- That the guy owes you money
-- How hard it is to rhyme with “inaugural”
-- Any embarrassing birthmarks

#47411: More Alternatives to "Bless You!" for Non-religious Sneezers

-- Zissou!
-- Ka-sneezus!
-- Sneeze less, Sneezolaphagus Jones!

#50081: Possible Names for the Erotic Novel I Need to Write Now that Everyone in My Writer's Group Is Writing One

-- On the Wings of Her Underpants
-- Naked Except for Bright Orange Socks
-- Love after I Finish My Burrito

#1964b: Literary-Character-Name-Based Adjectives that Have Been Used to Describe Me

-- Quixotic
-- Mishkinesque
-- Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzzy

#4349: More Collective Nouns

-- a double-eyeroll of inane comments in the staff meeting
-- a surfeit of sherbets
-- an apocalypse of alpacas