#4404: Papa Needs a New Pair of...

- P's!
- Viagra smoothies!
- zombie henchmen!

#19092: Things That Are NOT Tearing the Country Apart

- velcro
- sentient robots that look like teddy bears
- sherbet vs. sorbet

#72701: More Lesser-Used Acronyms

- FLOONT (Free Librarian Orgy on Next Tuesday)
- BOJUGSU (Butt of Jokes until Gary Shows Up)
- PANTS (Please Acquire New Trousers, Sailor)

#5399: Sports that Deserve Another Chance

- ice pantsing
- mud chess
- kitty-litter volleyball

#25666: Xmas Presents of the Damned

- sandpaper socks and underwear
- "build-a-brick"
- Santa's sputum

#17705: Less-Remembered Vice Presidents

- Leonard Jones
- Mr. Tremendous (war-time appointment)
- Socks the cat (temporary mixup in White House paperwork)

#6092: ____ Goes In Like a Lamb and Goes Out Like a _____

-- Kifta, Lunch
-- This Cloning Sample, Lamb
-- Leon, Leon

#4309: Why Am I Even Wearing a Watch?

-- When did you ask that?
-- What's a watch?
-- Watch this.

#1224: All I Want for Xmas Is My Two ____

-- -speed shiatsu massaging deskchair with deep-tissue butt action
-- minutes back from having to read this goddam pocketbucket list
-- tuba serenade

#45431: Fern Bars from Hell

-- Goodhands!
-- Torchy Tiki's Teriaki Tent
-- STD Hut

#50398: Attending the Stairmaster Family Reunion

-- Liftmistress
-- Ladderboy
-- Escalatorlady

#74098: Talk Shows (Squirrel)

-- "About My Nuts"
-- "Chik and Seeeech with Tsip-Tsip"
-- "Those Fucking Bluejays"

#5409: The Pillars of Civilization (According to Me)

-- clean underpants
-- sexy underpants
-- frosted cupcakes

#54221: Literary Penis Nicknames

-- gun in the first act
-- dangling modifier
-- the ancient mariner

#12250: Xmas Songs That Are Sort of Embarrassing to Sing

-- "I Saw Grandpa Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "All I Want for Christmas Is for You Guys to Give Me Back My Pants"
-- "Silver Belch"

#7409: I've Been through the _____ on a _____ with No Name

-- anchorwoman's colon, hellish camera expedition
-- initiation ritual for your "social club," goat
-- donut hole, tiny horse

#19890: Past Thanksgivings' "Moments of Grace"

-- Leon does a gravy shooter.
-- How the cranberries slid with an audible sigh out of the
can and retained the shape of the can.
-- "Giggletummy" with Uncle Chester.

#9702: Whence the Pain in My Neck

-- Slept around the cat last night
-- Pain in my ass on vacation
-- Constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Sarah Palin is hunting me from the air

#41144: Three More Balls

-- Swedish meat
-- Koosh
-- Marine Corps fancy dress

#3038: And Then I Woke Up

-- Realized I was dreaming and that the sign said
"women's locker room."
-- Teddy Roosevelt smiles and unhooks his brassiere.
-- Room starts filling with light and I am crying and the
dolphins…

#45009: Now Playing

-- that one other song by Starland Vocal Band
-- cats on stairs after midnight
-- funny video where a chipmunk bites a guy on the nuts

#10112: Out with the ____ and In with the ____

-- old, gnu
-- olde, gnue
-- ol', gn'