29 November 2014

#49852; Unsympathetic Sneeze Responses

-- “You disgust me with the noises you make and the viscosity of your bodily fluids.”
-- “I hope your nose falls off.”
-- “Bless your worst enemy, and his girlfriend Pam.”

26 November 2014

#71024: Thanksgiving Main Dishes on Other Planets

-- roast Varrj with element J-212 stuffing (Planet Kloot)

-- a soup made from the bone marrow of unhappy welfare recipients (Dick Cheney’s space fortress)

-- methane brownies (Neptune)


24 November 2014

#83877: Carry-On Personal Baggage

-- irrational fear of other people’s forearms
-- incipient results of that breakfast burrito
-- certainty that “man was not meant to fly”

21 November 2014

#20993: Wish I Could Change

-- where I spend my days
-- what I spend my days doing
-- the pants of God

19 November 2014

#51607:Chalk It All Up To…

-- the area’s vast deposits of calcium carbonate
-- the rough outline of the deceased
-- Leon

17 November 2014

13 November 2014

05 November 2014

#25902: More Defeated Amendments

-- Amendment 802-2012: The “Let’s Just Give It All Back to the Insects” Amendment
-- Amendment 4002-2002: The “Anyone Else Have a Problem with That?” Amendment
-- Amendment 30-2013: The “I Just Want to Crawl Off Somewhere and Sob Openly about How Much I Miss My Mom’s Pot Roast” Amendment

04 November 2014

#50718: Down by the River (One Week Earlier)

-- I shot a mannequin dressed to look like my baby.

-- I cooled my tootsies in the clean running water.

-- I picked up scattered bits of mannequin.

03 November 2014

#37552: Yet More Discontinued Clowns (Taken Off the Market Due to Complaints from Consumer Groups)

-- Senator Scabs  (The Clown with Hygiene Problems)
-- Curdles the Clown  (The Clown with the Sour Milk Smell)
-- Bubonic Joe