#38861: Odd Things that I’m Actually Quite Grateful for

-- cheap and plentiful rubber bands
-- the sound of my children snoring
-- the 3-item list form

#1002: If Not ____, Then ____ ?

 -- Butterscotch, When

 -- Here, Why Not

 -- Element J-212, Klerrrb

#28652: Guilty Pleasures (Other Species)

 -- nut fondling (squirrel)

 -- fondling Uranus (Neptunians)

 -- nut fondling (Jeff)

#5520: Feels like the Fourth Time

 -- seventh Star Wars movie

 -- first attempt to convince Uncle Doug that the Internet isn't a Soviet plot. 

 -- second trip to lice removal clinic

#46313: How It Should Have Ended

 -- Batman and Superman get it on, are embarrassed later. 

 -- Forrest Gump elected supreme dictator, fixes health care. 

 -- Citizen Kane escapes down mountain on sled

#79537: Corrections to Yesterday's List

 -- First item is actually the same as third item.

 -- Used the word "Taint" instead of the word "Trump."

 -- Third item is actually a repeat of first item.

#6702: ____ to the Left of Me, ____ to the Right

 -- Crowns, Dentures

 -- Clones, Jackalopes

 -- Klaus, Joan Collins

#59192: Up Shit ____ without a ____

 -- Alley, Switchblade

 -- Tower, Fire Escape

 -- Mountain, Can of Yeti Repellent

#41472: Other Things that I'm Ignoring

 -- "goo-goo eyes" from Louise in marketing

 -- tiny senior citizens in sock drawer

 -- X-mas lights spelling out warning

#41510: Add a "T," Make It Worse

 -- Clearasilt

 -- acidophylust

 -- near and fart

#19259: Rejected Mints

 -- Peepermint ("The gum that watches you get dressed!")

 -- Governmint ("Tastes just like congress!")

 -- Spiromint ("Now with 10% more Agnew!")

#6519: Spreadable at Room Temperature

 -- PocketBucket list writer's easy lack of virtue

 -- rumor about hidden race of super-pigs

 -- Leon

#44738: More Misheard Lyrics (slightly)

 -- I can't get no Sabbath action…

 -- Rikki don't lose that numb purse…

 -- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, bath mat!

#59682: Drives a Soft Bargain

 -- Siamese cat of Death

 -- Crazy Tiffany's used car lot

 -- Mister Muffins, the giggly hostage negotiator

#23118: Cooler than They Want to Admit

 -- ukulele covers

 -- leather hat

 -- glass of good booze

#10840: Collectibles (Not Yet)

 -- tasteful nudes of Republican presidential candidates

 -- my 8th-grade soccer jersey

 -- second virginity

#8649: Dance Hits that Missed

 -- The Brigham Young Shuffle

 -- Underarm Funk

 -- (C'mon) Do the Assclench!

#68075: Prison-Related Reasons to Sell House

 -- unsightly gun-towers

 -- too close to brother-in-law

 -- won't toss our baseball back over the fence

#74487: Special Sauce (Other Species)

 -- tears of foreign orphans (Dick Cheney)

 -- acorn drool (squirrel)

 -- Miracle-Whip (televangelfetishists)

#74120: Extra Commandments (Not Used)

 -- Thou shalt not make excessive lip-smacking and other yummy noises.

 -- Honor thy offers.

 -- Quit peeing in the sink.

#2980: I'd ____ a Mile in His ____

 -- Turkey-trot, Hip-boots

 -- Cringe, Insecurities

 -- Flounce, Bloomers

#76292: Assorted Surprises after Completely Undressing

 -- third foot but no third leg

 -- tattoo of Vivian Vance on taint

 -- date isn't retching

#43121: Red Rover, Red Rover, Can ____ ____ ____

 -- Someone Find Dover?

 -- Purple Look Mauver?

 -- Big Bird Bite Grover?

#22617: ____-about Is Fair ____

 -- Tern, Waterfowlage

 -- Vern, Earnest

 -- Gern, Blanston

#11785: More Rhymes for Bjork

 -- I heart New York

 -- refork

 -- Borkity-Bork