#5562c: Encounters in Extra-Dimensional Time

 -- dude at party has same birthday as you
 -- your spouse tells you several anecdotes that you've heard before
 -- a lecture from Ranger Tweed

#75854: Inappropriate Wedding Toast Subjects

 -- regicide

 -- college experiments with the transvestite sorority

 -- flatuence

#63097: Some Winners from this Year's Monotony Awards

 -- plain rice cakes (Crunchy Snack category)

 -- Dave's job (Best New Purgatorial Environment)

 -- Dave's masturbation habits (Lifetime Achievement Award)

#41886: Helium Is to Balloon as...

 -- Vicodin is to Monday morning.

 -- Plushies are to a convention of Japanese dentists

 -- Compliments are to a poet

#55173: Landmarks that Serve as Good Euphemisms for Various Body Parts

 -- the Grand Tetons

 -- the Leaning Tower of Pisa

 -- Lake Titicaca

#24421: Tourist Traps (Other Planets)

-- Neptune's methane beaches!
-- the Cave of No Return on Naked Singularity 65008A
-- LunaDisneyland

#77123: More Failed Movie Theater Candies

-- Good 'n' Sweatys
-- Giant popcorn hats
-- Junior Blints

#2230: Muscles (Less-Used)

-- deltacoids
--anterior harriet
-- empathiceps 

#5309b: Mammals Who Have Successfully Run for President

-- Bronco Bama
-- Hairy Truman
-- the Great White Eisenhower

#50155: Favorite Suggestions Given to Me from the Fifth Grade at Mieklejohn Elementary for Words that Rhyme with Nougat

-- Gogurt
-- Snoogat
-- Fugitive

List #64000: Things Besides CO Amendment 64 that the Feds Should Crack Down On

-- tailgating
-- putting shrimp in my hot and sour soup
-- styrofoam peanuts

List #121212a: Things Everyone Should Have a Dozen Of

-- friends who make you laugh
-- days off
-- comfortable pairs of underpants

#5221a: Mayan Apocalypse-Era Holiday Songs

-- "Grandma Got Run Over by a Stampeding Crowd of Walmart Shoppers"
-- "I Saw Uncle Steve Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "Dreidel, Shmeidel. Get Me a Beer"

#122112b: It's the End of the World as We Know It and I Feel ____

-- Strangely Unfulfilled
-- Some Kind of Elongated Rodent (a Ferret, Perhaps) in My Sleeping Bag
-- Fine-ish

#27707(a): Classic Rock Songs (or Album Titles) with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant”

-- The Dark Side of the Eggplant
-- A Whiter Shade of Eggplant
-- Jumpin' Jack Eggplant

#21113: Sure-to-Be-Ignored Nominations to Replace that Pope What Up and Quit

-- Daffy Duck
-- Barney Frank
-- can of cheez-wiz

#20647: Reasons Why They Just Can’t Seem to Get It Right

-- Sun and/or Moon was in their eyes.
-- Pope made too many last-minute demands.
-- Soup-making an “inexact” science.

#34980: Kitties of Industry!

-- The Persian Plutocrat
-- Siamese dock workers
-- Tabby bartenders

#13266: Pope Names Considered but Ultimately Rejected by Francis I

-- Pope Sammy II
-- Pope Crazyman Lupe Vargas I
-- Pope Alope V

#59555: Words Shakespeare Did NOT Introduce into the English Language

-- ginormous
-- bootylicious
-- NASDAQ

#861: Alliterative Activities (Less Liked)

-- dumpster dancing
-- porcupine proctologizing
-- congressman cuddling

#15127: Choose A Side

-- shirts or skins
-- skorts or culottes
-- Berts or Ernies

#76164: More Rhymes for “Spiro Agnew”

-- “hero bag Jew”
-- “zero-mag shoe”
-- “Nero's nag glue”

#77441: Spending the Change On

-- donation to fund for two-headed kitten
-- tip for the nice burrito lady
-- steroid-enhanced breath mints

#48432: Bigger Problem than Pocket Lint

-- pocket llama
-- pocket lobster
-- pocket Lester