#239: A Few Remaining Bugs in the Ol' System

-- Still too easily swayed by the opinion of anyone wearing a kilt.
-- Fear of conflict.
-- Drool sometimes.

#45121: Cards for Lesser Celebrations

 -- Thanks for the Back Waxing!
 -- National Podiatry Day Greetings!
 -- Happy Birthday of the Guy who Invented Telemarketing!

#8409: Starve a ____, Feed a _____

 -- cannibal, carnivorous jungle plant
 -- nationwide economic recovery, snickering group of ultra-wealthy conservative tax-cheats
 -- cat, growing paranoia that someone is planning to kill and eat you the next time you fall asleep

#33300: Three _____ and You're Out!

-- strikes (or streaking incidents)
-- Long Island ice teas
-- taunts directed at James Bond about how stupid his ejector seat button looks

#432: Bodywork Needed

-- wax the esophagus
-- gum detailing
-- hammer out the grudges

#65600: Unhealthy Additives (Added Anyway)

-- bacon
-- single-malt butterscotch syrup
-- irony

#21821: Places the Sun Doesn't Shine

-- Marianas Trench
-- Dick Cheney's pink bedroom
-- The dark side of the moon

#51122: No Clear Memory of How It Started

-- the cargo-pants fetish
-- the precipitous decline in my sex appeal
-- the second Wayne's World movie

#71190: Reasons Why Not (No Longer Accepted)

-- "Because I love you too much."
-- "Because Jerry Springer wouldn't approve."
-- "Because it's time for my sponge-bath."

#6115: Change Your Perspective

-- Wear your watch on the other wrist.
-- Join a cult. (But one that allows booze...no reason to go overboard.)
-- Watch Peanuts specials dubbed into Korean.

#6119: Words that Have a Dog and a Cat in Them

-- Beaglepuss
-- Tigerpug
-- Leopardoodle

#80710: More Niche Talk Shows

-- "Lawnchair Philosophers"
-- "Speaking with Fake German Accents, with 'Gunther'"
-- "It's Not Always about You, Janice"

#15200: Would Rather Not

-- Line-dance at this bar mitzvah.
-- Get there on time all the time.
-- Meet the porcupine-proctologist hybrid.

#7887: Punk Bands from Mr. Rogers's Neighborhood

-- Trolleyspotting
-- The Not Always Polite Boys
-- Spork Faktory

#7327: Reports to Me

-- voice in head
-- colon, around bedtime
-- rice krispies

#43098: Rooms IKEA Doesn't Sell Furniture For

-- S&M dungeon
-- panic room
-- human-goat hybrid habitat

#3929: The Truth Is!…(No It's Not)

-- All the buildings in Berlin are made out of marzipan!
-- Rosebud is a goat!
-- You can't handle the truth! (Yes you can.)

#22626: Three Cheers for the Home Team

-- F...R...I...G... Who's gonna chill some beers for me?!
-- Go dishwasher! Wash like a m*f*! Go, go!
-- Coffee maker, coffee maker--take those coffee beans and wake her!

#46813: More Tubular Rodents

-- the schloongraat (Sweden, probably needs an umlaut or two)
-- the capsulebara (Amazon, rainforest that is)
-- former US Sen. Rick Santorum (Pennsylvania)

#20061: Less Expensive Villains for Low-Budget Superheroes

--Angry sweaty motorcycle guys wearing plastic bags
--"Dr. Pig-Out"
--Christopher Walken impersonator

#2700: Mormon Masturbation Euphemisms

-- salting the lake
-- bringin' home the Brigham
-- tabbin' the nacle

#4511: Particle Phonics

-- Brazilian micro-dipthong
-- neutrine O sound
-- Anglo-Saxon spit-take

#51541: Turf Wars (Outcome Already Decided)

-- Astro v. Dino
-- Surf and v. and Shake
-- Toe v. Smurf

#75214: Resident "Experts"

--loudmouth who boards the bus at Cobb St.
--Henry effing Kissinger
--God's know-it-all brother, Glen

#7757: More Phony Books

-- alpha listing of disgruntled elves
-- same for reliable stock tips
-- same for cats who don't owe somebody moneyy