#5128: Remember to Shut

-- the door in the face of the reanimated corpse of your wife's boyfriend
-- your cakehole, from time to time
-- the curtains before you do your whole "Risky Business" dance number

#2900: Better than a VIP

--PhDIP
--IPILF
--BLTIP

#8188: Accomplishable in Less Than 1 Minute

-- reply to text
-- deflavoring of gum
-- complete loss of moral compass

#2009: Non-Partisan Congressional Masturbation Euphemisms

--filling the buster
--barreling the pork
--whipping the minority

#7540: You're Next in Line...! (Bad Lines)

-- ...to be licked by the cannibal king's food taster
-- ...for periodontal surgery
-- ...for a sharp punch in the gut from Mike

#15231: Trees for the Forest!

-- oaky-doke
-- sycamoraphant
-- kiss-aspen

#9915: Brief Synopsis

-- It's about you.
-- It's worth it.
-- Ends.

#6033: By the Time I Get to ____, She Will Be ____

-- Vegas, discovering that the cashbox is sort of dented
-- San Diego, still laughing at how lame my attempt to break into the cashbox was
-- Ensenada, not laughing quite so hard when she realizes that her hubcaps are missing

#4588: More Animals Driven Out of Their Habitats by the Care Bears

-- Care Caribou
-- Care Karaoke Singers
-- Care Trout

#2422: Investment Advice from Squirrels

--collect nuts
--acquire more nuts
--purchase nut futures

#740: Rumored Trades

--abstinence for non-abstinence
--steady job for dream of pursuing career as writer of 3-item lists
--consciousness for unconsciousness

#7451: Don't Take Your Love to Here Either, Ruby

--to sleep
--to Steve's party
--to the free clinic

#787b: Alternative Wednesday Nicknames

--Phlump-day
--Chump-day
--Sumpin'-Sump-day

#1554: Born, Converted

--Celtic, Celtish
--free, leased
--polydactyl, Unitarian

#12515: Wait…Is That?…

--The midget from that TV show?
--That Canadian girl you met at camp?
--Mom? In this underwear catalog?

#15515: In ____ We Trust (Other Currencies)

--frosting (The Duchy of Pastrynia)
--nuts (squirrel)
--Steverino (The Planet Steve)

#222: Mark of the Beast's Cousin, Phil

--the number 222
--refrigerator hums louder
--your ears start sweating

#3848: Drop Your ____ and Grab Your ____ !

--ducks, pucks
--phones, scones
--oranges, door hinges

#21541b: My Mama Done Tol' Me… (also)

--Don't eat you no ho-hos.
--Don't rent you no Dutch porn.
--Don't take you no ninth wife.

#21541: My Mama Done Tol' Me…

--Don't drink you no lattes.
--Don't bet on a horse with 5 legs.
--Put that thing away.

#805b: Personal Challenges

--doing the "right" thing
--making the "right" frosting
--playing the "right" flugelhorn note

#3247: Not-Yet-Copyrighted Orgasm Catchphrases

--"Annnnd...that's ONE more silver dollar!
--"HELLO, Boise!!
--"POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN!"

#3133: Didn't Get into the School of Hard Knocks

--School of Soft Taps
--School of Fleeting but Unpleasant Smells
--School of Hard Cheese

#473: Lacking Paris, We Will Always Instead Have

--French club (junior year)
--crinkle-cut French fries
--Jacques Costeau impersonators

#1200: Cartons of Unfiltered Love

--Leon straights
--Debby longs
--Tina's cousins