#4588: More Animals Driven Out of Their Habitats by the Care Bears

-- Care Caribou
-- Care Karaoke Singers
-- Care Trout

#2422: Investment Advice from Squirrels

--collect nuts
--acquire more nuts
--purchase nut futures

#740: Rumored Trades

--abstinence for non-abstinence
--steady job for dream of pursuing career as writer of 3-item lists
--consciousness for unconsciousness

#7451: Don't Take Your Love to Here Either, Ruby

--to sleep
--to Steve's party
--to the free clinic

#787b: Alternative Wednesday Nicknames

--Phlump-day
--Chump-day
--Sumpin'-Sump-day

#1554: Born, Converted

--Celtic, Celtish
--free, leased
--polydactyl, Unitarian

#12515: Wait…Is That?…

--The midget from that TV show?
--That Canadian girl you met at camp?
--Mom? In this underwear catalog?

#15515: In ____ We Trust (Other Currencies)

--frosting (The Duchy of Pastrynia)
--nuts (squirrel)
--Steverino (The Planet Steve)

#222: Mark of the Beast's Cousin, Phil

--the number 222
--refrigerator hums louder
--your ears start sweating

#3848: Drop Your ____ and Grab Your ____ !

--ducks, pucks
--phones, scones
--oranges, door hinges

#21541b: My Mama Done Tol' Me… (also)

--Don't eat you no ho-hos.
--Don't rent you no Dutch porn.
--Don't take you no ninth wife.

#21541: My Mama Done Tol' Me…

--Don't drink you no lattes.
--Don't bet on a horse with 5 legs.
--Put that thing away.

#805b: Personal Challenges

--doing the "right" thing
--making the "right" frosting
--playing the "right" flugelhorn note

#3247: Not-Yet-Copyrighted Orgasm Catchphrases

--"Annnnd...that's ONE more silver dollar!
--"HELLO, Boise!!
--"POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN!"

#3133: Didn't Get into the School of Hard Knocks

--School of Soft Taps
--School of Fleeting but Unpleasant Smells
--School of Hard Cheese

#473: Lacking Paris, We Will Always Instead Have

--French club (junior year)
--crinkle-cut French fries
--Jacques Costeau impersonators

#1200: Cartons of Unfiltered Love

--Leon straights
--Debby longs
--Tina's cousins

#7757: Manna from Heaven (Midweek)

--good commute
--nobody kicks you in the nuts
--cherry icee

#9944:Personal Defeat as Expressed by Movie Titles

--"Give Up Hard"
--"The Man Who Wasn't Successful and Just Didn’t Care
--"Give Up Hard 2: Give Up Harder"

#7500: New Scenes Added to Wizard of Oz Director's Cut

--Dorothy voice-over during tornado
--part where tin man kills a guy
--sub-plot involving group of bumbling German tourists

#1715: Spearmint Mistakes

--Pam C., from across the street
--crème de menthe shooters
--Colgate lube

#943: The Dingoes Also Ate

--my omlette
--most of the Doritos
--my brother Dan's omlette

#45111: Trust Issues (Squirrel)

--Has to always sit on the highest branch.
--Doesn't believe that other squirrels like his tail.
--That looks like my nut.

#7808: Sport for Crows

[for C. Ransick]

--crowball
--beak dancing
--the marital difficulties of other crows

#1254: Why We Worship the Donut

--Circle (the eternal symbol).
--Goes great with coffee.
--They're sometimes "raised."