#83877: Carry-On Personal Baggage

-- irrational fear of other people’s forearms

-- incipient results of that breakfast burrito

-- certainty that “man was not meant to fly”

#20993: Wish I Could Change

 

-- where I spend my days

-- what I spend my days doing

-- the pants of God

#51607:Chalk It All Up To…

 

-- the area’s vast deposits of calcium carbonate

-- the rough outline of the deceased

-- Leon

#41252: More Things that Come in Situationally Altered Amounts

-- Eric Baker’s dozen (15)

-- ten of Steverino (7.3)

-- 30-pack of Oreos at Costco (75)

#3400: Don’t Listen To

-- me

-- Klaus

-- that mean-looking actress in the exercise video

#39812: Scandalous, Once

 

-- masturbation

-- the Beatles

-- instant breakfast

#22717: Good to Have during a Terrestrial Squid Attack

-- feather dusters

-- aerosol can of Squid-Away

-- Liquid Paper

#25902: More Defeated Amendments

-- Amendment 802-2012: The “Let’s Just Give It All Back to the Insects” Amendment

-- Amendment 4002-2002: The “Anyone Else Have a Problem with That?” Amendment

-- Amendment 30-2013: The “I Just Want to Crawl Off Somewhere and Sob Openly about How Much I Miss My Mom’s Pot Roast” Amendment

#50718: Down by the River (One Week Earlier)

-- I shot a mannequin dressed to look like my baby.

-- I cooled my tootsies in the clean running water.

-- I picked up scattered bits of mannequin.

#37552: Yet More Discontinued Clowns (Taken Off the Market Due to Complaints from Consumer Groups)

-- Senator Scabs  (The Clown with Hygiene Problems)

-- Curdles the Clown  (The Clown with the Sour Milk Smell)

-- Bubonic Joe

#1031b: Increasingly Less-Popular Halloween Costumes [Inside Joke Category]

 

-- “That time Dave’s cat crapped in my shoe”

-- “More like…Wolfgang Schmuck!”

-- “The thing with the banana tacos...you know...in Ensenada? Remember?"

#50204: Grannies of Doom

-- Nana Hitler

-- Satan’s Bubbe

-- The Graminator

#37551: More Discontinued Clowns (Taken Off the Market Due to Complaints from Angry Moms)

-- Sweary Larry (The Potty-Mouthed Clown)

-- Grabbo (The Clown who Can’t Keep His Hands to Himself)

-- Heisenboing

#19174: Cartoon-Character Tattoos

-- Betty Worth on the left butt cheek

-- Bill the Cat on face

-- SpongeBob and your nipples are his eyes

#50112: More Bad Advice

-- The answer, my friend, is “more Jagermeister.”

-- Laugh at the funny policeman’s shocky phone!

-- Stay sweet.

#81632: Surprisingly Effective “Talking Cures”

-- applied utilization of choice expletives

-- the 6-minute groan

-- repeatedly saying “Nobody has to die tonight” through your clenched teeth on the drive home from work

#2526b: More Superheroes that I Believe Actually Exist

-- Captain Squishy  (“Protecting the world from an excess of sour-cream and onion potato chips!”)

-- The Kvetch  (“Able to alter history through the power of his complaining!”)

-- Halitosio!

#5121: "I'll Be _____ for My Own _____"

 -- Late, Circumcision

 -- Groggy, Audience with the Pope

 -- Awake, Funeral

#62041: The Raw Materials of Common Emotions

-- wool (nervousness)

-- vinyl (fear)

-- spandex (love)

#41854: Is That Even Possible?

-- Time Travel (maybe)

-- Lime Travel (yes)

-- Mime Travel (yes, but not advisable)

#32516: Walk _____ly and Carry a Big _____

 -- Knowing, Epiphany

 -- Delicate, Soap Bubble

 -- Ironical, Twist

#6806a: Still Rechargeable

 -- Jeanine (God bless her)

 -- the next round

 -- rhinos in heat

#49210: Call If You Need Anything, Except

 -- a stern talking-to

 -- another "happy ending"

 -- drool bucket emptying

#71153: More Difficult Deliveries

 

-- 15 kegs of Schlitz to Everest base camp

-- keynote speech at National Laser Pointer Enthusiasts Association banquet

-- station wagon full of free-range lobsters

#70045: Non-Pisa Leaning Towers

 -- The Leaning Tower of Un-Lived-Up-To Potential 

 -- The Leaning Tower of Flapjacks

 -- The Leaning Tower of Dennis, Ever Since the Operation