#59555: Words Shakespeare Did NOT Introduce into the English Language

-- ginormous
-- bootylicious
-- NASDAQ

#861: Alliterative Activities (Less Liked)

-- dumpster dancing
-- porcupine proctologizing
-- congressman cuddling

#15127: Choose A Side

-- shirts or skins
-- skorts or culottes
-- Berts or Ernies

#76164: More Rhymes for “Spiro Agnew”

-- “hero bag Jew”
-- “zero-mag shoe”
-- “Nero's nag glue”

#77441: Spending the Change On

-- donation to fund for two-headed kitten
-- tip for the nice burrito lady
-- steroid-enhanced breath mints

#48432: Bigger Problem than Pocket Lint

-- pocket llama
-- pocket lobster
-- pocket Lester

#32484: Patriotic Gestures (Other Planets)

-- releasing flock of Flerrbs (Planet Klooot)
-- flatulizing the national anthem (Neptune and Uranus)
-- painting your geezbor red, white, blue, and zeep (Western Florida)

#81217: Whence My Headache

-- surfin' Facebook on my phone screen
-- flourescent lights, cheap pizza
-- that ol' existential angst

#12209: Kim Jong Un's other best pals

-- Miniature Dennis Rodman
-- Buffles the Panda
-- taxidermied dad

#42014c: Yet Still More Recent JDiego Failures

-- Ignored the warning label on that bottle of tequila. 
-- Ignored the erotic content of that passing comment. 
-- Thought too hard about this pocketbucket list.

#1462b: Less Popular Team Mascots

-- the Tempe Urology College “Fighting Dribbler”
-- the University of Oregon at Coos Bay “Giant Coos Beast”
-- the HamHung Campus of Kim Jong Un Military Academy “Happy Ham Hanger”

#7509: 3 More Underappreciated Obsessive Behaviors

-- constantly checking the “trapdoor flap” on your union suit
-- impulse to speak out loud the word that most closely sounds like the noise your body just made
-- spanking cats

#8776: Less Popular Albums from Dylan’s Flamboyantly Gay Period

 

-- Positively Whatever, Girlfriend

-- Dylan Sings Sondheim, Volume 2

-- Zimmy Unzipped

#7256b: Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What Ya Gonna Do?

 

-- steal your moped

-- poop on couch

-- blame Leon

#12962: Lesser-Used but Still Valid Prejudices

-- hatred of Smurfs

-- preference for extra-crispy bacon

-- left-handed masturbation

#50229b: More Sitcom Characters Whose Names Get Shouted Out during Sex

-- Schneider!

-- Weezy!

-- Fraser’s dad!!

#62: Just How Dumb Do You Think I Am??!

 

-- real dumb

-- even dumber still

-- dumber than a dead and taxidermied dumb guy

#50229a: Sitcom Characters Whose Names Get Shouted Out during Sex

-- Schultz!

-- Alf, Alf, Alf!

-- Thurston Howell the Third!!

#47671: Bad Vegetables to Be Naked With

 

-- artichokes

-- English cucumber

-- Ann Coulter

#27473: You Can’t Make _____ without Squeezing a Few _____

 

-- mango-ade, mangoes

-- a tenor section, baritones

-- bail, sleeping relatives

#42014b: Some More Recent Failures on the Part of JDiego

 

 -- Still unable to let go of you-know-what. 

 -- Still unable to let go of you-know-where. 

 -- Microwaved his lunch, twice. 

#32014a: More of JDiego's Failures in the Past 12 Months

 -- Didn't buy low. 

 -- Didn't sell high. 

 -- Stared too long at Kardashian selfie. 

#1462b: Less Popular Team Mascots

-- the Tempe Urology College “Fighting Dribbler”

-- the University of Oregon at Coos Bay “Giant Coos Beast”

-- the HamHung Campus of Kim Jong Un Military Academy “Happy Ham Hanger”

#4546: Extra Months (Removed to Create the Standard 12-Month Year)

 

-- Maynot

-- Dogsmember

-- Veryhairygaryuary

#7898d: Impossible New Year’s Resolutions

 

-- Determine what the fox says.

-- Reverse the Earth’s rotational direction with goal of turning back time and thus avoiding my date in the Eighties with that foreign exchange student who spent all of dinner sneering at me and then later told everyone it was that night she had decided to become a lesbian.

-- Cut back on the breakfast burritos.