#1462b: Less Popular Team Mascots

-- the Tempe Urology College “Fighting Dribbler”

-- the University of Oregon at Coos Bay “Giant Coos Beast”

-- the HamHung Campus of Kim Jong Un Military Academy “Happy Ham Hanger”

#4546: Extra Months (Removed to Create the Standard 12-Month Year)

 

-- Maynot

-- Dogsmember

-- Veryhairygaryuary

#7898d: Impossible New Year’s Resolutions

 

-- Determine what the fox says.

-- Reverse the Earth’s rotational direction with goal of turning back time and thus avoiding my date in the Eighties with that foreign exchange student who spent all of dinner sneering at me and then later told everyone it was that night she had decided to become a lesbian.

-- Cut back on the breakfast burritos.

PocketBucket List #7898b: Easy New Year’s Resos

 

-- Start arbitrarily shortening all 4-syllable and above words to cuter 2-syllable forms.

-- Incorporate one more pillow into my sleeping arrangement.

-- Poop indoors more.

PocketBucket List #35209: Conversation Topic from the Office Holiday Party, or Indie Band?

-- Pope Richard and the H&Ts

-- Donor Bones

-- The Satan Clause

#12256: Less Popular Gift Ideas for the Kids

 -- "Baby Hitler" Playtime Bunker Set (includes "Achtung" the Puppy!)

 -- "Tickle Me L. Ron (Hubbard)"

 -- big bag o' scrap metal

#54697: Gifts That Don’t Keep On Giving

-- junior mint
-- ticket to Disneyland North Korea
-- 3-item list

#8035: Things NASA Hopes the Mars Rover Does NOT Find

-- NASA’s missing dry cleaning claim check

-- the keys to that car whose alarm has been going off for approximately a year in the NASA parking lot

-- Jimmy Hoffa and/or Geraldo Rivera

#1251c: Knock, Knock (Who’s There?)

 

-- Ya

-- Boo

-- male pattern baldness

#23848: Dungeons and Dragons Characters I Always Wanted to Be (But Didn’t Hang Out with Right Group of Nerds in High School)

-- Rootbeer the Flatulent (warrior-dwarf)

-- Jolie (oversexed trans-gender cleric)

-- Prince Uzi (gun-toting elf)

#29182: What I Did on My Summer Vacation (Predictive Edition)

-- went to work for effing most of it

-- drank significantly more tequila than I should’ve

-- went to France

#5207b: Groupon Deal Subjects or Opening Acts for Phish?

 -- Laser Toenail Hair Removal

 -- Lunar Manscaping

 -- Bouncy Castle Afternoon

#55462: Also Using Steroids (As Far As I Can Tell)

 

-- El Nino

-- the Dickman brothers

-- neighbor’s 42-pound cat

#46619: More Literary Penis Nicknames (Inspired by ShakespeareTragedies)

 -- Poor Yorick
 -- sailor's thumb
 -- Little Iago

#73240: Things That Do Not Belong in My Breakfast Burrito

-- your teeth

-- tempeh

-- Terry Bradshaw’s teeth

#84841: Separated at Birth?

-- Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb

-- cats and sleep-deprivation study experts

-- Mr. Peanut and Nazi apologist Herr Erdnuss

#19123: Didn’t Do Because Too Busy (Regrets Division)

-- Peace March across the US for Nuclear Disarmament

-- kayaking the Grand Canyon

-- completely remove foil from breakfast burrito

#78221: It’s Fun to Stay at the Y ____! (Also)

-- DWDIITR (don’t we do it in the road)
-- U R T
-- O L O

#57711: Less Impressive Presidential Libraries

-- The Millard Fillmore Archives-moblie
-- The James K. Polk 2 Crates o’ Pamphlets
-- The George W. Bush Collected Unswerving Beliefs in His Own Moral Rectitude and Frozen Yogurt Stand

#972: Who’s Yer Daddy?

-- Mr. Wilson
-- dead milkman
-- yer mom.

#7454b: 3 Things that Are Shaped Like a Football that You Wish Weren’t Shaped Like a Football

-- that one baby’s head
-- breakfast burrito from restaurant with health-code issues
-- your workweek

#65437: Useful Life-Skills (Not Widely Taught)

-- how to not offer your opinion every time
-- how to apply correct amount of salad dressing
-- how to not audibly hum “Six-Million-Dollar Man” theme music in public bathrooms

#64323: Titles of Poetry Collections I Have Yet to Start Writing

-- The Last Weep of Sobbo the Clown
-- Meta-Forks
-- Stonehenge in My Pants

#79023: If It’s Not ____, Then It Won’t _____

-- emu meat, taste like a really big chicken
-- the funeral of a clown, make sense to throw a cream pie into the open casket
-- funny underpants, make me want to dance

#15127: Choose A Side

-- shirts or skins

-- skorts or chins

-- Berts or Ernies