#8035: Things NASA Hopes the Mars Rover Does NOT Find

-- NASA’s missing dry cleaning claim check

-- the keys to that car whose alarm has been going off for approximately a year in the NASA parking lot

-- Jimmy Hoffa and/or Geraldo Rivera

#1251c: Knock, Knock (Who’s There?)

 

-- Ya

-- Boo

-- male pattern baldness

#23848: Dungeons and Dragons Characters I Always Wanted to Be (But Didn’t Hang Out with Right Group of Nerds in High School)

-- Rootbeer the Flatulent (warrior-dwarf)

-- Jolie (oversexed trans-gender cleric)

-- Prince Uzi (gun-toting elf)

#29182: What I Did on My Summer Vacation (Predictive Edition)

-- went to work for effing most of it

-- drank significantly more tequila than I should’ve

-- went to France

#5207b: Groupon Deal Subjects or Opening Acts for Phish?

 -- Laser Toenail Hair Removal

 -- Lunar Manscaping

 -- Bouncy Castle Afternoon

#55462: Also Using Steroids (As Far As I Can Tell)

 

-- El Nino

-- the Dickman brothers

-- neighbor’s 42-pound cat

#46619: More Literary Penis Nicknames (Inspired by ShakespeareTragedies)

 -- Poor Yorick
 -- sailor's thumb
 -- Little Iago

#73240: Things That Do Not Belong in My Breakfast Burrito

-- your teeth

-- tempeh

-- Terry Bradshaw’s teeth

#84841: Separated at Birth?

-- Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb

-- cats and sleep-deprivation study experts

-- Mr. Peanut and Nazi apologist Herr Erdnuss

#19123: Didn’t Do Because Too Busy (Regrets Division)

-- Peace March across the US for Nuclear Disarmament

-- kayaking the Grand Canyon

-- completely remove foil from breakfast burrito

#78221: It’s Fun to Stay at the Y ____! (Also)

-- DWDIITR (don’t we do it in the road)
-- U R T
-- O L O

#57711: Less Impressive Presidential Libraries

-- The Millard Fillmore Archives-moblie
-- The James K. Polk 2 Crates o’ Pamphlets
-- The George W. Bush Collected Unswerving Beliefs in His Own Moral Rectitude and Frozen Yogurt Stand

#972: Who’s Yer Daddy?

-- Mr. Wilson
-- dead milkman
-- yer mom.

#7454b: 3 Things that Are Shaped Like a Football that You Wish Weren’t Shaped Like a Football

-- that one baby’s head
-- breakfast burrito from restaurant with health-code issues
-- your workweek

#65437: Useful Life-Skills (Not Widely Taught)

-- how to not offer your opinion every time
-- how to apply correct amount of salad dressing
-- how to not audibly hum “Six-Million-Dollar Man” theme music in public bathrooms

#64323: Titles of Poetry Collections I Have Yet to Start Writing

-- The Last Weep of Sobbo the Clown
-- Meta-Forks
-- Stonehenge in My Pants

#79023: If It’s Not ____, Then It Won’t _____

-- emu meat, taste like a really big chicken
-- the funeral of a clown, make sense to throw a cream pie into the open casket
-- funny underpants, make me want to dance

#15127: Choose A Side

-- shirts or skins

-- skorts or chins

-- Berts or Ernies

69225: Wheel of Fortune (Other Dimensions)

-- Sphere of Lucky Coincidence (3rd)
-- Terragropp of Snergs (265th)
-- Dot of That’s All, Man (1st)

#44992: ____ Plus Time Equals ____

-- Twinkie, Twinkie
-- Brussel Sprouts, Need for Solitude
-- Procrastination, A Rich Well of Unpublished PocketBucket Lists

#53771: Next Year, If Not in Jerusalem, Then In

-- the Arbys on Colorado Blvd.
-- the “Cave of the Winds!”
-- a sleeping bag with several dozen bootleg Hostess Twinkies.

#47821: Some Things I Meant to Do

-- clean lint filter
-- learn Cantonese
-- assess the many small catastrophes my continued existence has bestowed upon this weeping earth

#32012b: The Three Horsemen of the Alpacalypse

-- ScratchyWool
-- AltitudeSickness
-- DirtyWetSockSmell

#82819: Movie Titles from the Shelf-Lifetime Network

-- A Ritz to Remember
-- Mustard Misunderstood
-- The Tchotchke Sisterhood

#6144: Whence My Confusion

-- use of the word “whence”
-- that I’m still allowed near the donuts
-- Tuesday, but feels like April