#73240: Things That Do Not Belong in My Breakfast Burrito

-- your teeth

-- tempeh

-- Terry Bradshaw’s teeth

#84841: Separated at Birth?

-- Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb

-- cats and sleep-deprivation study experts

-- Mr. Peanut and Nazi apologist Herr Erdnuss

#19123: Didn’t Do Because Too Busy (Regrets Division)

-- Peace March across the US for Nuclear Disarmament

-- kayaking the Grand Canyon

-- completely remove foil from breakfast burrito

#78221: It’s Fun to Stay at the Y ____! (Also)

-- DWDIITR (don’t we do it in the road)
-- U R T
-- O L O

#57711: Less Impressive Presidential Libraries

-- The Millard Fillmore Archives-moblie
-- The James K. Polk 2 Crates o’ Pamphlets
-- The George W. Bush Collected Unswerving Beliefs in His Own Moral Rectitude and Frozen Yogurt Stand

#972: Who’s Yer Daddy?

-- Mr. Wilson
-- dead milkman
-- yer mom.

#7454b: 3 Things that Are Shaped Like a Football that You Wish Weren’t Shaped Like a Football

-- that one baby’s head
-- breakfast burrito from restaurant with health-code issues
-- your workweek

#65437: Useful Life-Skills (Not Widely Taught)

-- how to not offer your opinion every time
-- how to apply correct amount of salad dressing
-- how to not audibly hum “Six-Million-Dollar Man” theme music in public bathrooms

#64323: Titles of Poetry Collections I Have Yet to Start Writing

-- The Last Weep of Sobbo the Clown
-- Meta-Forks
-- Stonehenge in My Pants

#79023: If It’s Not ____, Then It Won’t _____

-- emu meat, taste like a really big chicken
-- the funeral of a clown, make sense to throw a cream pie into the open casket
-- funny underpants, make me want to dance

#15127: Choose A Side

-- shirts or skins

-- skorts or chins

-- Berts or Ernies

69225: Wheel of Fortune (Other Dimensions)

-- Sphere of Lucky Coincidence (3rd)
-- Terragropp of Snergs (265th)
-- Dot of That’s All, Man (1st)

#44992: ____ Plus Time Equals ____

-- Twinkie, Twinkie
-- Brussel Sprouts, Need for Solitude
-- Procrastination, A Rich Well of Unpublished PocketBucket Lists

#53771: Next Year, If Not in Jerusalem, Then In

-- the Arbys on Colorado Blvd.
-- the “Cave of the Winds!”
-- a sleeping bag with several dozen bootleg Hostess Twinkies.

#47821: Some Things I Meant to Do

-- clean lint filter
-- learn Cantonese
-- assess the many small catastrophes my continued existence has bestowed upon this weeping earth

#32012b: The Three Horsemen of the Alpacalypse

-- ScratchyWool
-- AltitudeSickness
-- DirtyWetSockSmell

#82819: Movie Titles from the Shelf-Lifetime Network

-- A Ritz to Remember
-- Mustard Misunderstood
-- The Tchotchke Sisterhood

#6144: Whence My Confusion

-- use of the word “whence”
-- that I’m still allowed near the donuts
-- Tuesday, but feels like April

#44862: Grab Bag!

-- Channing Tatum O’Neal
-- kimjongtini
-- the third flying monkey out of one’s ass

#70213: Oscar Hosts Under Consideration for Next Year’s Show (Not)

-- Kim Jong Un
-- Honey Badger Guy
-- J Diego

#2008b: Other Things with Which He Is Killing Me Softly

 -- his atonal humming
 -- his constant references to that time a guy told him he'd make a good navy seal
 -- his flatulence

#51412: President Parts

-- Lincoln's left foot
-- Harding's philtrum
-- Washington's patellas

#21413a: Less Popular Valentines Candy Heart Messages

-- LUV GLUV
-- HEIL VALENTINE!
-- I'M FRACKIN' 4 U!

#40804: Odd Flavored Snack Items Spotted in Clearance Food Aisle at the Dollar Store

-- Hostess meat pies
-- Doritos Xtreme poodle flavor
-- Pop-Tartars

#27707(d): Famous (Possibly Apocryphal) Quotes with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant”

-- "We have nothing to eggplant but eggplant itself" - Eggplant Roosevelt
-- "You can't make an eggplant without cracking a few eggs." - J Eggplant Frey
-- "I regret that I have but one eggplant to give for my country." - Nathan Eggplant