#51412: President Parts

-- Lincoln's left foot
-- Harding's philtrum
-- Washington's patellas

#21413a: Less Popular Valentines Candy Heart Messages

-- LUV GLUV
-- HEIL VALENTINE!
-- I'M FRACKIN' 4 U!

#40804: Odd Flavored Snack Items Spotted in Clearance Food Aisle at the Dollar Store

-- Hostess meat pies
-- Doritos Xtreme poodle flavor
-- Pop-Tartars

#27707(d): Famous (Possibly Apocryphal) Quotes with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant”

-- "We have nothing to eggplant but eggplant itself" - Eggplant Roosevelt
-- "You can't make an eggplant without cracking a few eggs." - J Eggplant Frey
-- "I regret that I have but one eggplant to give for my country." - Nathan Eggplant

#27707: Famous Movie Titles with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant” (Titles Chosen for Maximum Ambiguity So As to Subtly Undermine the Entire Premise of the Bit)

-- Mrs. Eggplant
-- The Eggplant
-- The Bridge over the River Eggplant

#22891c: More Rejected Metric Prefixes

-- boehno-
-- coochi-
-- zeezo-

#65120: Things Not to Bring Up in an Inaugural Poem

-- That the guy owes you money
-- How hard it is to rhyme with “inaugural”
-- Any embarrassing birthmarks

#47411: More Alternatives to "Bless You!" for Non-religious Sneezers

-- Zissou!
-- Ka-sneezus!
-- Sneeze less, Sneezolaphagus Jones!

#50081: Possible Names for the Erotic Novel I Need to Write Now that Everyone in My Writer's Group Is Writing One

-- On the Wings of Her Underpants
-- Naked Except for Bright Orange Socks
-- Love after I Finish My Burrito

#1964b: Literary-Character-Name-Based Adjectives that Have Been Used to Describe Me

-- Quixotic
-- Mishkinesque
-- Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzzy

#4349: More Collective Nouns

-- a double-eyeroll of inane comments in the staff meeting
-- a surfeit of sherbets
-- an apocalypse of alpacas

#7990a: New Year's Resolutions (Other Species)

-- work out more and don't think about nuts so much (squirrel)
-- make more of an effort to stand out from the crowd (phytoplankton)
-- get more klerrrb and element J212 in my diet (creature from Planet Krooot)

#9025: Alternatives to the "Mega-Church"

-- Maxi-Church
-- Jumbo Chapel
-- Big Ol' Basilica

#1225b: Un-needed Xmas Gifts (Already Have One)

-- horse head mask
-- set of popcorn forks
-- surfeit of irony

#6677b: More Poems Whose Title Is Longer

“the next time i see that stinking giraffe, i’m going to tell him to blow his this out of his that” (e.e. cummings)

“Text of Jingoistic Bumper-Sticker Read through the Oddly-Shaped Eyes of a Plasticene Chicken Mask as I Walked behind a Slow-Moving Ford Pickup for an Hour and a Half Yesterday during the Macy’s Parade Traffic in Downtown New York--1959” (Wallace Stevens)

“Naked Photographs of Me Taken at a Time when I Was Just Glad to Be Naked and Not Feeling the Shame that so Besets Primates and Episcopalians” (Walt Whitman)

#566608: Poems Whose Titles Are Longer

-- “Listing the Two Things that I Ate for Breakfast that Morning before Walking Out to Clear My Apple Orchard of Wolverines” (Robert Frost)
-- “Do You Like to Go Fast or Slow when the Ground is Covered with Newly Fallen Snow?” (Emily Dickinson)
-- “Staring Contest between Me and My Alter Ego, Scarface McGraw, Results Therefrom” (Alfred Lord Tennyson)

#7788: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, but You Can Never ________ (other hotels)

-- Really Know whether You Accidentally Voted for Pat Buchanan (Hotel Tallahasee)
-- Get a Decent Espresso to Go (Hotel East Nebraska)
-- Eat Enough Cheetos (Hotel Colorado)

#84522: Exclusive Cliques I Have Yet to Join

-- The Waistband/Armpit Club
-- Guys Who Drink Raw Eggs from a Glass
-- Bull and Scones

#5355: Ways in Which We "Shoot Ourselves in the Foot"

-- with a "gun"
-- through "self-destructive tendencies"
-- with "that spear-gun" that "we were sure was just a stage prop!"

#3123: Useful Underwear Enhancements

-- side air-bags
-- wifi
-- retractable roof

#23614: Cocktails Whose Names Sound Like Funny Superpowers

-- Golden Hurricane
-- Long Island Eyes Tea
-- Sloe Gin Fizz

#86753: More Good Reasons to Relocate into a Fantasy Novel

-- elvish girlfriends
-- talking giant cats
-- the donut wizards

#36921: Rest-Stops (Famous, but for the Wrong Reasons)

-- That one they blew up in that movie starring that one guy.
-- The one near the Newark airport that always smells like asparagus.
-- The Donner party.

#7802: Songs I'd Like Them to Play at My Funeral (But They Probably Won't)

-- "Already Gone" by the Eagles
-- "Morning After" (from the soundtrack of "The Poseidon Adventure")
-- "C Is for Cookie"

#41220: Planets Not Worth Exploring

 -- The Planet of No Parking
 -- anything orbiting Muzak star system
 -- Halitosis V