#5399: Sports that Deserve Another Chance

- ice pantsing
- mud chess
- kitty-litter volleyball

#25666: Xmas Presents of the Damned

- sandpaper socks and underwear
- "build-a-brick"
- Santa's sputum

#17705: Less-Remembered Vice Presidents

- Leonard Jones
- Mr. Tremendous (war-time appointment)
- Socks the cat (temporary mixup in White House paperwork)

#6092: ____ Goes In Like a Lamb and Goes Out Like a _____

-- Kifta, Lunch
-- This Cloning Sample, Lamb
-- Leon, Leon

#4309: Why Am I Even Wearing a Watch?

-- When did you ask that?
-- What's a watch?
-- Watch this.

#1224: All I Want for Xmas Is My Two ____

-- -speed shiatsu massaging deskchair with deep-tissue butt action
-- minutes back from having to read this goddam pocketbucket list
-- tuba serenade

#45431: Fern Bars from Hell

-- Goodhands!
-- Torchy Tiki's Teriaki Tent
-- STD Hut

#50398: Attending the Stairmaster Family Reunion

-- Liftmistress
-- Ladderboy
-- Escalatorlady

#74098: Talk Shows (Squirrel)

-- "About My Nuts"
-- "Chik and Seeeech with Tsip-Tsip"
-- "Those Fucking Bluejays"

#5409: The Pillars of Civilization (According to Me)

-- clean underpants
-- sexy underpants
-- frosted cupcakes

#54221: Literary Penis Nicknames

-- gun in the first act
-- dangling modifier
-- the ancient mariner

#12250: Xmas Songs That Are Sort of Embarrassing to Sing

-- "I Saw Grandpa Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "All I Want for Christmas Is for You Guys to Give Me Back My Pants"
-- "Silver Belch"

#7409: I've Been through the _____ on a _____ with No Name

-- anchorwoman's colon, hellish camera expedition
-- initiation ritual for your "social club," goat
-- donut hole, tiny horse

#19890: Past Thanksgivings' "Moments of Grace"

-- Leon does a gravy shooter.
-- How the cranberries slid with an audible sigh out of the
can and retained the shape of the can.
-- "Giggletummy" with Uncle Chester.

#9702: Whence the Pain in My Neck

-- Slept around the cat last night
-- Pain in my ass on vacation
-- Constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Sarah Palin is hunting me from the air

#41144: Three More Balls

-- Swedish meat
-- Koosh
-- Marine Corps fancy dress

#3038: And Then I Woke Up

-- Realized I was dreaming and that the sign said
"women's locker room."
-- Teddy Roosevelt smiles and unhooks his brassiere.
-- Room starts filling with light and I am crying and the
dolphins…

#45009: Now Playing

-- that one other song by Starland Vocal Band
-- cats on stairs after midnight
-- funny video where a chipmunk bites a guy on the nuts

#10112: Out with the ____ and In with the ____

-- old, gnu
-- olde, gnue
-- ol', gn'

#18002: Musicals That Should Get Made

-- Chasing Cher with a Stick!
-- North Korea: A Love Story
-- Cats 2: Hairballs!

#8451: Fools Rush In

-- to clearance sales at the meat store
-- to the Donner Party reunion
-- to the big fool's gold discovery outside of town

#49812: What I Do when I'm in My "Secret Identity"

-- travel through the space-time continuum to a singles
bar in 70s Cleveland
-- drink water from the toilet like my dog
-- save the universe with irony

#7533: Less Popular Cocktail Garnishes

-- chilled crucifix
-- a lock of the the bartenders armpit hair
-- ostrich phlegm

#58584: Less Popular than Manic Monday

--Tannic Tuesday
--Frantic Friday
--Hispanic Jueves

#1403: Committees to Avoid

-- the self-punishment committee
-- the "who keeps clogging the crapper?" committee
-- the committee sub-committee