#7990a: New Year's Resolutions (Other Species)

-- work out more and don't think about nuts so much (squirrel)
-- make more of an effort to stand out from the crowd (phytoplankton)
-- get more klerrrb and element J212 in my diet (creature from Planet Krooot)

#9025: Alternatives to the "Mega-Church"

-- Maxi-Church
-- Jumbo Chapel
-- Big Ol' Basilica

#1225b: Un-needed Xmas Gifts (Already Have One)

-- horse head mask
-- set of popcorn forks
-- surfeit of irony

#6677b: More Poems Whose Title Is Longer

“the next time i see that stinking giraffe, i’m going to tell him to blow his this out of his that” (e.e. cummings)

“Text of Jingoistic Bumper-Sticker Read through the Oddly-Shaped Eyes of a Plasticene Chicken Mask as I Walked behind a Slow-Moving Ford Pickup for an Hour and a Half Yesterday during the Macy’s Parade Traffic in Downtown New York--1959” (Wallace Stevens)

“Naked Photographs of Me Taken at a Time when I Was Just Glad to Be Naked and Not Feeling the Shame that so Besets Primates and Episcopalians” (Walt Whitman)

#566608: Poems Whose Titles Are Longer

-- “Listing the Two Things that I Ate for Breakfast that Morning before Walking Out to Clear My Apple Orchard of Wolverines” (Robert Frost)
-- “Do You Like to Go Fast or Slow when the Ground is Covered with Newly Fallen Snow?” (Emily Dickinson)
-- “Staring Contest between Me and My Alter Ego, Scarface McGraw, Results Therefrom” (Alfred Lord Tennyson)

#7788: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, but You Can Never ________ (other hotels)

-- Really Know whether You Accidentally Voted for Pat Buchanan (Hotel Tallahasee)
-- Get a Decent Espresso to Go (Hotel East Nebraska)
-- Eat Enough Cheetos (Hotel Colorado)

#84522: Exclusive Cliques I Have Yet to Join

-- The Waistband/Armpit Club
-- Guys Who Drink Raw Eggs from a Glass
-- Bull and Scones

#5355: Ways in Which We "Shoot Ourselves in the Foot"

-- with a "gun"
-- through "self-destructive tendencies"
-- with "that spear-gun" that "we were sure was just a stage prop!"

#3123: Useful Underwear Enhancements

-- side air-bags
-- wifi
-- retractable roof

#23614: Cocktails Whose Names Sound Like Funny Superpowers

-- Golden Hurricane
-- Long Island Eyes Tea
-- Sloe Gin Fizz

#86753: More Good Reasons to Relocate into a Fantasy Novel

-- elvish girlfriends
-- talking giant cats
-- the donut wizards

#36921: Rest-Stops (Famous, but for the Wrong Reasons)

-- That one they blew up in that movie starring that one guy.
-- The one near the Newark airport that always smells like asparagus.
-- The Donner party.

#7802: Songs I'd Like Them to Play at My Funeral (But They Probably Won't)

-- "Already Gone" by the Eagles
-- "Morning After" (from the soundtrack of "The Poseidon Adventure")
-- "C Is for Cookie"

#41220: Planets Not Worth Exploring

 -- The Planet of No Parking
 -- anything orbiting Muzak star system
 -- Halitosis V

#61626: More Suggestions of Things to Pursue along with the Usual Life, Liberty

-- comfortable dress shoes
-- good Mexican food
-- giggle-tummy

#8470: Things besides "the Beer" That I'm Sometimes "Only Here For"

-- "the Inner Ear"
-- "the Ex-Mousketeer"
-- "the Jeer"

#20125: Religious Sects that Have More Fun

-- Rythym Methodists
-- Hide 'n Sikhs
-- Pleasbyterians

#260: Dr. Suess Place Names

-- the Zweiback Motel
-- the Jungle of Nool
-- Ma-Fotta-Ma-Potta-Fa-Pell

#61112: Vegetarian Monsters!

-- the Creature from the Black Legume!
-- Kim!
-- Tofrankenstein!

#3845: Over Time Wins

-- water over stone
-- money over common sense
-- homeboy's belly over those pants

#26109: Misheard Names of Former Soviet Satellite Republics

-- Asthma by John
-- Mulled Over
-- Who's Becky On?

#650: Words that I Know How to Say in at Least 4 Languages

-- beer
-- soup
-- Oprah

#41: Things that There Are More than 40 Of

-- minutes in an hour
-- Junior Mints in a box of 42 or more Junior Mints
-- PocketBucket Lists

#50309: Fundraisers to Avoid

-- Dick Cheney's spare organ drive
-- Chernobyl Radioactive Zombies "Fun-Run"
-- silent auction at St. Itchy's School for the Incurably Lice-Ridden

#2702b: Nolympic Sports

 -- Ice Pole-dancing
 -- The Freyathalon
 -- Grece-Roman-Russian Dressing Wrestling

#9107: Inappropriate "Tramp-stamp" Tattoo Messages

-- your AARP membership number
-- "Thanks for everything, Sister John-Marie!"
-- "Do you want fries with that?"

#6436: My ____ Is ____ (Which Is Not ___)

   -- Dentist, Present, a Present
   -- Indigestion, It's Own Voting Bloc, Democratic
   -- Date, a Reptile, a Ticket to Cuddly-Time

#15422: Protest Songs I Have Yet to Record

   -- "Stuck in Suburbia with Che Guevara's  Lawnmower"
   -- "Middle-Aged Magic Eightball"
   -- "Big Revolution (In My Pants)"

#74842: Rejected Names for the Company Softball Team

-- The Suckdogs
-- Inkblot Dan and the Dicky Shills
-- The Who's Left after the Layoffs

#56: Good Times to Masturbate

-- now
-- later
-- bus ride

#356: Tier-2 Deadly Sins

-- foot odor
-- being poor
-- hating kittens

#41166: Rental Hearse Business Names (Not Yet Taken)

-- Deadpants Delivery
-- Stiff-Lifts
-- Bring Out Yer Dad!

#81129: 3 Things that Can Kill the Mood at a Dinner Party

--politics
--religion
--the Kool-aid guy

#43090: Night School Easy A's

-- Pokemon for Grownups
-- Sleeping with the Spanish Teacher: Level 2
-- Beer Appreciation

#50921: The Shortest Distance between Two ____ Is a Straight ____

-- Wasted Evenings, -to-Video Van Damme Movie
-- Epic Hangovers, Mug of Tequila
-- Sweeney Todd Musical Numbers, Razor

#832: The Noble Squid! Symbol of…

-- handshakes/handshakery
-- winning charm
-- things that would gladly eat you given the chance and excuse to

#7: Phobias (High Pathetic Quotient)

--Autoroomiphobia: fear of going into the garage
--Askatacophobia: fear of ordering in Spanish in a Mexican restaurant
--Gloopaphobia: fear of being naked in pudding"

#444b: More You're Getting Warmer

-- flames>>>old flames
-- lunch>>>3-martini lunch
-- memories>>>memory foam

#444a: You're Getting Warmer

-- nurse>>>nursing
-- cat>>>catsuit
-- friend>>>friend with benefits

#281: Fillers

-- unused chicken parts
-- 3-item lists
-- Leon

#60162: Cartoon Characters that Irritate the Republican Members of Congress

-- Contraceptive Spongebob
-- "Frieda" Flintstone
-- Clifford, the Big Red Dog who Helps Poor Children Receive Adequate Health Care

#8411: Cable Channels You Don't Get

-- The Future Channel (Now with Stock Prices!)
-- Igneous! (Geology...after dark...)
-- What Your Neighbors Really Say About You Channel (WYNRSAY)

#800: Improvements on Nature

 -- music
 -- memory foam
 -- Mexican food

#12000: "When a U-Turn Just Won't Do"

-- X-Turn
-- W-Turn
-- Pi-Turn

#93230: Unclaimed IKEA Product Names

 -- Fnurrgsluf
 -- Cootboot (with an umlaut or two)
 -- Stimmisak

#239: A Few Remaining Bugs in the Ol' System

-- Still too easily swayed by the opinion of anyone wearing a kilt.
-- Fear of conflict.
-- Drool sometimes.

#45121: Cards for Lesser Celebrations

 -- Thanks for the Back Waxing!
 -- National Podiatry Day Greetings!
 -- Happy Birthday of the Guy who Invented Telemarketing!

#8409: Starve a ____, Feed a _____

 -- cannibal, carnivorous jungle plant
 -- nationwide economic recovery, snickering group of ultra-wealthy conservative tax-cheats
 -- cat, growing paranoia that someone is planning to kill and eat you the next time you fall asleep

#33300: Three _____ and You're Out!

-- strikes (or streaking incidents)
-- Long Island ice teas
-- taunts directed at James Bond about how stupid his ejector seat button looks

#432: Bodywork Needed

-- wax the esophagus
-- gum detailing
-- hammer out the grudges

#65600: Unhealthy Additives (Added Anyway)

-- bacon
-- single-malt butterscotch syrup
-- irony

#21821: Places the Sun Doesn't Shine

-- Marianas Trench
-- Dick Cheney's pink bedroom
-- The dark side of the moon

#51122: No Clear Memory of How It Started

-- the cargo-pants fetish
-- the precipitous decline in my sex appeal
-- the second Wayne's World movie

#71190: Reasons Why Not (No Longer Accepted)

-- "Because I love you too much."
-- "Because Jerry Springer wouldn't approve."
-- "Because it's time for my sponge-bath."

#6115: Change Your Perspective

-- Wear your watch on the other wrist.
-- Join a cult. (But one that allows booze...no reason to go overboard.)
-- Watch Peanuts specials dubbed into Korean.

#6119: Words that Have a Dog and a Cat in Them

-- Beaglepuss
-- Tigerpug
-- Leopardoodle

#80710: More Niche Talk Shows

-- "Lawnchair Philosophers"
-- "Speaking with Fake German Accents, with 'Gunther'"
-- "It's Not Always about You, Janice"

#15200: Would Rather Not

-- Line-dance at this bar mitzvah.
-- Get there on time all the time.
-- Meet the porcupine-proctologist hybrid.

#7887: Punk Bands from Mr. Rogers's Neighborhood

-- Trolleyspotting
-- The Not Always Polite Boys
-- Spork Faktory

#7327: Reports to Me

-- voice in head
-- colon, around bedtime
-- rice krispies

#43098: Rooms IKEA Doesn't Sell Furniture For

-- S&M dungeon
-- panic room
-- human-goat hybrid habitat

#3929: The Truth Is!…(No It's Not)

-- All the buildings in Berlin are made out of marzipan!
-- Rosebud is a goat!
-- You can't handle the truth! (Yes you can.)

#22626: Three Cheers for the Home Team

-- F...R...I...G... Who's gonna chill some beers for me?!
-- Go dishwasher! Wash like a m*f*! Go, go!
-- Coffee maker, coffee maker--take those coffee beans and wake her!

#46813: More Tubular Rodents

-- the schloongraat (Sweden, probably needs an umlaut or two)
-- the capsulebara (Amazon, rainforest that is)
-- former US Sen. Rick Santorum (Pennsylvania)

#20061: Less Expensive Villains for Low-Budget Superheroes

--Angry sweaty motorcycle guys wearing plastic bags
--"Dr. Pig-Out"
--Christopher Walken impersonator

#2700: Mormon Masturbation Euphemisms

-- salting the lake
-- bringin' home the Brigham
-- tabbin' the nacle

#4511: Particle Phonics

-- Brazilian micro-dipthong
-- neutrine O sound
-- Anglo-Saxon spit-take

#51541: Turf Wars (Outcome Already Decided)

-- Astro v. Dino
-- Surf and v. and Shake
-- Toe v. Smurf

#75214: Resident "Experts"

--loudmouth who boards the bus at Cobb St.
--Henry effing Kissinger
--God's know-it-all brother, Glen

#7757: More Phony Books

-- alpha listing of disgruntled elves
-- same for reliable stock tips
-- same for cats who don't owe somebody moneyy

#5005: Loops (Less than Infinite)

--feedback from acoustic ukulele
--the old mall
--froot

#23098: International Hairstyles I Have Yet to Attempt

--The Ol' Slash-and-Burn (Venezuela)
--El Mysterioso (Mexico)
--"Tigers Dancing in the Rain" (Bhutan)

#5881: Self-Guided Tours

--lump-check on "the boys"
--late night inventory of character flaws
--journey to the bottom of the Cheetos bag

#1225c: Xmas Traditions for Cats

--peeing on the gingerbread house
--clawing Santa Claus
--catnip-nog

#64210: Parallel Universe Grateful Dead Concerts

-- Drums, Space, and Sauerkraut
-- Drums, Space, and Debbie
-- Drums, Space, and Carl Sagan's colonoscopy video

#60201: Rejected Band Names (Too Pynchon-esque)

- Bombastic A-Hole
- Process 37-D
- The Wasted References

#19605: The Other Answer, My Friend...

- Is Growing on Your Shin
- Is Nothing More than Gin
- Is Glowing in Berlin

#25002: Secret Santa (Other Countries)

- L'invisible Monique (France)
- Stoompa Clug (Sweden)
- Dead Uncle (Haiti)

#4009: Other Things I Have Sired

--neighborhood flu outbreak
--nascent political movement to stop singing "Happy Birthday to You" and sing Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song instead
--desire to put me in my place

#8121b: Automotive Terms that Make Me Giggle Nervously

--stick shift
--cam shaft
--Lubemaster

#44221: Coochie-Coochie! (Different Tenses)

--Coochied-Coochied! (past)
--Will have Coochied-Will have Coochied! (furture perfect)
--Coochied've-Coochied've (subjunctive)

#53391: More Hostile Questions from the Poetry Reading Q&A

--Dude, how can you take yourself seriously as a man?
--What's the deal with all the images of Winston Churchill naked?
--You know what else rhymes with poet?

#7210: Bank Holidays (Other Banks)

--Vodka Delivery Day (Memory)
--St. Styptic's Day (Blood)
--Picturing Winston Churchill Naked Day (Sperm)

#4609: Better than "Having Your Salad Tossed"

-- "Having Your Eclair Filled"
-- "Having Your Crescent Rolled"
-- "Having Your Burrito Smothered"

#40933: Still Avoiding the "Truth" about...

- hair loss
- hamburgers
- handjobs from "Helen"

#77101: Less-Popular Ice-Capades Themes

-- Prison Riot on Ice!
-- Icy Stares on Ice!
-- Office Supplies on Ice!

#249: Other Languages Spoken

-- Spanish, but the lisping kind
-- Guinea Pig
-- Hand-Jive

#53520: More Identity Questions

-- What if you're a gay man who is really a lesbian?
-- What if you're a squirrel who is actually a congressman?
-- What is you're a taco who is actually an ice-cream taco?

#MXMVII: Rejected Roman Numerals

-- F
-- U
-- @

#3428: Ones "That Got Away"

-- post-graduate education
-- chance to live in Bonobo-themed commune
-- the last cupcake

#45203: Monsters I Could See Myself Dating

-- the Minotaur
-- Grendel's mom
-- Cher