#4404: Papa Needs a New Pair of...

- P's!
- Viagra smoothies!
- zombie henchmen!

#19092: Things That Are NOT Tearing the Country Apart

- velcro
- sentient robots that look like teddy bears
- sherbet vs. sorbet

#72701: More Lesser-Used Acronyms

- FLOONT (Free Librarian Orgy on Next Tuesday)
- BOJUGSU (Butt of Jokes until Gary Shows Up)
- PANTS (Please Acquire New Trousers, Sailor)

#5399: Sports that Deserve Another Chance

- ice pantsing
- mud chess
- kitty-litter volleyball

#25666: Xmas Presents of the Damned

- sandpaper socks and underwear
- "build-a-brick"
- Santa's sputum

#17705: Less-Remembered Vice Presidents

- Leonard Jones
- Mr. Tremendous (war-time appointment)
- Socks the cat (temporary mixup in White House paperwork)

#6092: ____ Goes In Like a Lamb and Goes Out Like a _____

-- Kifta, Lunch
-- This Cloning Sample, Lamb
-- Leon, Leon

#4309: Why Am I Even Wearing a Watch?

-- When did you ask that?
-- What's a watch?
-- Watch this.

#1224: All I Want for Xmas Is My Two ____

-- -speed shiatsu massaging deskchair with deep-tissue butt action
-- minutes back from having to read this goddam pocketbucket list
-- tuba serenade

#45431: Fern Bars from Hell

-- Goodhands!
-- Torchy Tiki's Teriaki Tent
-- STD Hut

#50398: Attending the Stairmaster Family Reunion

-- Liftmistress
-- Ladderboy
-- Escalatorlady

#74098: Talk Shows (Squirrel)

-- "About My Nuts"
-- "Chik and Seeeech with Tsip-Tsip"
-- "Those Fucking Bluejays"

#5409: The Pillars of Civilization (According to Me)

-- clean underpants
-- sexy underpants
-- frosted cupcakes

#54221: Literary Penis Nicknames

-- gun in the first act
-- dangling modifier
-- the ancient mariner

#12250: Xmas Songs That Are Sort of Embarrassing to Sing

-- "I Saw Grandpa Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "All I Want for Christmas Is for You Guys to Give Me Back My Pants"
-- "Silver Belch"

#7409: I've Been through the _____ on a _____ with No Name

-- anchorwoman's colon, hellish camera expedition
-- initiation ritual for your "social club," goat
-- donut hole, tiny horse

#19890: Past Thanksgivings' "Moments of Grace"

-- Leon does a gravy shooter.
-- How the cranberries slid with an audible sigh out of the
can and retained the shape of the can.
-- "Giggletummy" with Uncle Chester.

#9702: Whence the Pain in My Neck

-- Slept around the cat last night
-- Pain in my ass on vacation
-- Constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Sarah Palin is hunting me from the air

#41144: Three More Balls

-- Swedish meat
-- Koosh
-- Marine Corps fancy dress

#3038: And Then I Woke Up

-- Realized I was dreaming and that the sign said
"women's locker room."
-- Teddy Roosevelt smiles and unhooks his brassiere.
-- Room starts filling with light and I am crying and the
dolphins…

#45009: Now Playing

-- that one other song by Starland Vocal Band
-- cats on stairs after midnight
-- funny video where a chipmunk bites a guy on the nuts

#10112: Out with the ____ and In with the ____

-- old, gnu
-- olde, gnue
-- ol', gn'

#18002: Musicals That Should Get Made

-- Chasing Cher with a Stick!
-- North Korea: A Love Story
-- Cats 2: Hairballs!

#8451: Fools Rush In

-- to clearance sales at the meat store
-- to the Donner Party reunion
-- to the big fool's gold discovery outside of town

#49812: What I Do when I'm in My "Secret Identity"

-- travel through the space-time continuum to a singles
bar in 70s Cleveland
-- drink water from the toilet like my dog
-- save the universe with irony

#7533: Less Popular Cocktail Garnishes

-- chilled crucifix
-- a lock of the the bartenders armpit hair
-- ostrich phlegm

#58584: Less Popular than Manic Monday

--Tannic Tuesday
--Frantic Friday
--Hispanic Jueves

#1403: Committees to Avoid

-- the self-punishment committee
-- the "who keeps clogging the crapper?" committee
-- the committee sub-committee

#5128: Remember to Shut

-- the door in the face of the reanimated corpse of your wife's boyfriend
-- your cakehole, from time to time
-- the curtains before you do your whole "Risky Business" dance number

#2900: Better than a VIP

--PhDIP
--IPILF
--BLTIP

#8188: Accomplishable in Less Than 1 Minute

-- reply to text
-- deflavoring of gum
-- complete loss of moral compass

#2009: Non-Partisan Congressional Masturbation Euphemisms

--filling the buster
--barreling the pork
--whipping the minority

#7540: You're Next in Line...! (Bad Lines)

-- ...to be licked by the cannibal king's food taster
-- ...for periodontal surgery
-- ...for a sharp punch in the gut from Mike

#15231: Trees for the Forest!

-- oaky-doke
-- sycamoraphant
-- kiss-aspen

#9915: Brief Synopsis

-- It's about you.
-- It's worth it.
-- Ends.

#6033: By the Time I Get to ____, She Will Be ____

-- Vegas, discovering that the cashbox is sort of dented
-- San Diego, still laughing at how lame my attempt to break into the cashbox was
-- Ensenada, not laughing quite so hard when she realizes that her hubcaps are missing

#4588: More Animals Driven Out of Their Habitats by the Care Bears

-- Care Caribou
-- Care Karaoke Singers
-- Care Trout

#2422: Investment Advice from Squirrels

--collect nuts
--acquire more nuts
--purchase nut futures

#740: Rumored Trades

--abstinence for non-abstinence
--steady job for dream of pursuing career as writer of 3-item lists
--consciousness for unconsciousness

#7451: Don't Take Your Love to Here Either, Ruby

--to sleep
--to Steve's party
--to the free clinic

#787b: Alternative Wednesday Nicknames

--Phlump-day
--Chump-day
--Sumpin'-Sump-day

#1554: Born, Converted

--Celtic, Celtish
--free, leased
--polydactyl, Unitarian

#12515: Wait…Is That?…

--The midget from that TV show?
--That Canadian girl you met at camp?
--Mom? In this underwear catalog?

#15515: In ____ We Trust (Other Currencies)

--frosting (The Duchy of Pastrynia)
--nuts (squirrel)
--Steverino (The Planet Steve)

#222: Mark of the Beast's Cousin, Phil

--the number 222
--refrigerator hums louder
--your ears start sweating

#3848: Drop Your ____ and Grab Your ____ !

--ducks, pucks
--phones, scones
--oranges, door hinges

#21541b: My Mama Done Tol' Me… (also)

--Don't eat you no ho-hos.
--Don't rent you no Dutch porn.
--Don't take you no ninth wife.

#21541: My Mama Done Tol' Me…

--Don't drink you no lattes.
--Don't bet on a horse with 5 legs.
--Put that thing away.

#805b: Personal Challenges

--doing the "right" thing
--making the "right" frosting
--playing the "right" flugelhorn note

#3247: Not-Yet-Copyrighted Orgasm Catchphrases

--"Annnnd...that's ONE more silver dollar!
--"HELLO, Boise!!
--"POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN!"

#3133: Didn't Get into the School of Hard Knocks

--School of Soft Taps
--School of Fleeting but Unpleasant Smells
--School of Hard Cheese

#473: Lacking Paris, We Will Always Instead Have

--French club (junior year)
--crinkle-cut French fries
--Jacques Costeau impersonators

#1200: Cartons of Unfiltered Love

--Leon straights
--Debby longs
--Tina's cousins

#7757: Manna from Heaven (Midweek)

--good commute
--nobody kicks you in the nuts
--cherry icee

#9944:Personal Defeat as Expressed by Movie Titles

--"Give Up Hard"
--"The Man Who Wasn't Successful and Just Didn’t Care
--"Give Up Hard 2: Give Up Harder"

#7500: New Scenes Added to Wizard of Oz Director's Cut

--Dorothy voice-over during tornado
--part where tin man kills a guy
--sub-plot involving group of bumbling German tourists

#1715: Spearmint Mistakes

--Pam C., from across the street
--crème de menthe shooters
--Colgate lube

#943: The Dingoes Also Ate

--my omlette
--most of the Doritos
--my brother Dan's omlette

#45111: Trust Issues (Squirrel)

--Has to always sit on the highest branch.
--Doesn't believe that other squirrels like his tail.
--That looks like my nut.

#7808: Sport for Crows

[for C. Ransick]

--crowball
--beak dancing
--the marital difficulties of other crows

#1254: Why We Worship the Donut

--Circle (the eternal symbol).
--Goes great with coffee.
--They're sometimes "raised."

#45: Reasons to Cheer Up

--the opposite sex
--monkeys (the funny ones, not the scary ones)
--BLTs

#4114: VEN DIAGRAM SUBJECTS

--M's allegies, N's body sprays
--sexual preferences of primates, coworkers
--your art projects, thrift store donations

#3727: ONLY TWO LEFT

--states of consciousness
--undented commandments
--wealthy poets

#80953: FREAK FLAGS (Under-Appreciated)

--obsession with crossword puzzles
--stretchy waistband pants
--grapefruit-flavored soda

#6224: ALWAYS MAKES ME HAPPY TO SEE

--donut shops
--women
--neon

#6222: FOOD THAT COULD JUST A EASILY BE EATEN FROM A SHOTGLASS

--mashed potatoes
--candy corn
--baco-bits

#7121b: DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME EITHER

--funny, smart, "good kid" who didn't get detention because I was so busy trying to please the adults that I missed a lot of great opportunities to do drugs and steal stuff
--flossing
--egg-salad sandwich that you put in fridge at work last week

#20756: THINGS THAT VIBRATE NOTICEABLY THAT I WISH WOULDN'T

--upper decks of shopping malls
--my left hipbone
--my right hipbone

#3399: TO EVERYTHING ____, TURN, ____

--kerned, stern
--Vern, Fern
--spurned, worm

#4595: DERELICTION OF DUTIES

--either peed in sink or allowed someone else to
--ate all the chips
--ignored pre-existing treaties with Portugal

#892: 3 MORE SPELLS

--dizzy
--dry
--demon-summoning

#7743: INEVITIBLY

--the battery runs out
--the mailman wakes up too soon
--Denise makes a big deal about the corpse

#214: WANT MORE OF

--delerious laughter
--that noise you make that sounds like purring
--See's candy

#4706: MORE REJECTED FRUITS

--the quadrilope
--the cranana
--brussellsberry

#2521: SPYING FOR ANOTHER SPECIES

--"Rover" Torkelson (actually a dog)
--Herb A. Horseflesh (actually a large dog)
--"Spuds" MacKenzie (actually a Republican)

#1983: E T PHONE (In Addition to Home)

--your chiropractor
--Dennis, about covering his shift on Thursday
--1-800-INSURANCE

#70821a: SMALLER URBAN CENTER CIVIC ANTHEMS: Eastern Colorado

--"Why Not Niwot?" by Raja Wehlk
--"I've Got a Crush on Brush" by unknown
--"Swink! (Swank, Swunk.)" by Burt Bacharach

#2790: HEROS OF NON-HEROISM

--Captain Knows-His-Place
--The Incredible Suck-Up
--Lap Dog!

#5553: SLATE CLEANERS

--money
--tears
--three strong martinis

#4000206: SPARE ME THE DETAILS

--stool color
--Donald Trump's opinion
--stool consistency

#1505: SCANNED OBJECTS

--word processed document
--potential sex partners at JC Penneys
--email from Leon

#5296: THE ONLY WAY "SOME" PEOPLE CAN "EXPRESS" THEMSELVES

thanx SOBO
--my rainbow afro wig
--my tongue-depressor cityscapes
--"Concerto for Breast Pump, In D"

#8220: TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!

--toficken
--whatever's in these frozen tacos
--"Smells Like Chicken", by Calvin Klein

#3359: More Collective Nouns

--a conspiracy of paranoids
--an infiltration of nose hair
--a clown-car of poets

#7404: WHO ISN'T A WANKER?

--Doug Wanker (that is, after the incident with the goat at the Wanker Family Reunion in '97)
--the goat
--actually, most goats

#117: I AM KNOWN BY MANY NAMES

[with assistance from DKF]
--The Weasel Freezer
--Captain Eleven-Thirty
--Jeffrey Condiments

#45633: REARRANGEMENTS THAT MAKE THE WORLD KOOKIER

--Bert of Parrot-Ice
--tiger-striped people running for public office
--cubic feet, round shoes

#79: SOME DAYS YOU EAT THE ___, OTHER DAYS YOU ___

--bear, barely eat
--bear, by the bear get eaten
--beer, drink the beers

#3984: WHO'S COUNTING, ANYWAY?

--Irving. Maybe his older brother too.
--the "All-Counting" clicky thing
--Fuck it...most people.

#6851: MORE FOODS TO AVOID

--angel-dusted donut holes
--"Spare the Hot Fat, Spoil the French Fries" brand frozen French fries
--the living flesh of your co-workers

#12712: THE SPIRITS ARE WITH YOU (Regular Spirits' Day Off)

--Etherview the Wispy
--Stuttering Frankenstein
--Mime-in-a-Box

#9094: POLYGONS (Most Tranquil)

--pineapple-shape
--gonebabygon
--zen-o-hedron

#460: DESSERT OPTIONS ON THE SUMMIT OF MT. EVEREST

(list by LS,PSM,L and EM,JDF @SOBO)

--gore-tex
--that dead Belgian's chocolate bars
--sno-cone

#557: UNDER-HERALDED SECOND BANANAS

--Pancho
--Sancho
--Bailey Quarters

#2109: "ZESTY" ITEMS

--lemons
--certain flavors of Doritos
--Lemon Pledge (not in Europe)

#4423: LIFESTYLE TIPS FOR NOT CALLING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF

--Dress in the colors of earth and sand.
--No hats with horns.
--Scream only when others are screaming.

#10009: DON'T TAKE YOUR ___ OFF OF THE ___

--decals, van
--eggs, market
--special mutant powers, dead mutant

#75b: THIS WEEK'S LOTTERY NOs

--Not a chance in Hell
--Will not happen
--No. We mean it.

#6080: SPARE THE ___, SPOIL THE ___

--hot fat, french fries
--caulk, basement "rumpus" room
--sinners, apocalypse

#2856: Rejected Ideas for New Disneyland Rides

(from out far-flung correspondents)

--Autopiabahn
--Pirates of Somalia
--Soarin' over Cairo

#1000: LESS COMMONLY USED POETRY METRICS

--duckdecasyllabic
--pentupangryc
--toupee

#7717: THREE MORE THINGS THAT ARE BETTER WITH A "FIESTA!"

--masturbation
--prison
--a Ford Fiesta (but not much)

#888: CIVIC DUTIES (Fun!)

--exciting the librarians
--packing the mayor's afternoon bowl
--shouting out the hour from the Naked Shouting Tower

#65666: COLD-CUTS OF THE DAMNED

--olive-drab loaf
--foot sausage
--corned beak

#15003: RHYMING DREAM DATES

--The Dalai Lama and Lady Gaga
--Albert Einstein and Robert Heinlein
--Pablo Neruda and the Big Fat Buddha

#9750: ZOMBIE LOVE STORIES

(from last evening's SoBo madness...)

--Romeo and Juliet's Brains
--The Naked and the Undead
--He Loved Her for Her Brains

#8120: BUZZER-BEATERS! (Geologic Time)

--"Cretaceous Days Fun-Run!" mammal results
--ionosphere polarity reversal
--healthcare reform

#3259: FEATURES OF EXTRA-EXPENSIVE PANTS

--built-in smoke detector
--auto-johnson
--pocket pool table next to the jukebox

#7212b: NICKNAMES OF BOYS YOU WOULDN'T WANT YOUR SISTER OR DAUGHTER TO DATE (Derived from Toys)

--Etchasketchy
--Monopoligamist
--Mr. Potato-Hands

#6181: HIGHWAY SIGNS (Not at All Encouraging)

for PKM

--"HIGHWAY ENDS -- 500 FT BEHIND YOU"
--"RETIREMENT COMMUNITY, NEXT 6 EXITS"
--"YOUR PANTS ARE UNZIPPED"

#4098: WHERE DID I LEAVE MY PANTS?

--on Semester at Sea
--near the statue of Pancho Villa, downtown Ensenada
--in the conference room

#125: POCKETBUCKET LISTS (How to Play)

--As with any good game, this one should be played with an eye toward learning something...about the game, or about the others playing it, or about oneself, or about whatever the hell the damn list is about.
--All players should completely ignore any critical voices (either internal or external) telling you that you're not good enough to play the game.
--Fuck those voices! They're only useful when they're telling you that you can't reason with alligators.

#124: POCKETBUCKET LISTS (WTF???)

--Should the need arise, any list can be called upon to serve as a "bucket list."
--Should one wish to have a list upon oneself at all times (just in case) keeping the list "pocket-sized" is not a bad call.
--Pocketbucket, pocketbucket, pocketbucket...just say that a bunch of times.

#123: THE RULES OF POCKETBUCKET LISTS

--The list is not finished until it has at least 3 items.
--No judging.
--Pass the pen with the list.

#34529: REMAINING (From the Original Pack)

--butterscotch spacefood stick
--Don Rickles
--hope

#2011: INFINITY (The Sandwich)

--mobius pretzel
--peanut butter on a polenta roll
--Escher Christo