#260219: Not in Grandpa Jimmy's Will

 
 -- Grandma Jimmy
 -- Grandpa Jimmy's bookie, Mel K.
 -- Uncle Cheeks (he knows why...)

#36986: Yet More Rejected Ways to Leave Your Lover

 

 -- Choke on a gyro, Spiro.

 -- Hide in a port-a-potty, Dottie.

 -- Don't check for ticks, Rick.

#37059: Hip, Desert-Related Names for the New Baby

 

 -- Gobi

 -- Saguaro

 -- Mrs. Fields

#4338: Things that Six Did after Seven Eight Nine

--called Four Five

--ran Two Three

--One a raffle

#57149: Backup Dancers (Other Species)

-- The Loose Nuts (squirrel)

-- A Hundred Thousand Similar Looking Crustaceans (krill)

-- The Krakenettes! (the Kraken)

#49196: Tragedies (Small Enough to Be Funny)

 #49196: Tragedies (Small Enough to Be Funny)

-- too much ketchup on your road cheeseburger

-- a literary career primarily based on superfluous 3-item lists

-- Harvey Comics character, Tiny Hamlet and his wisecracking penguin, Chillenkrantz

#65675: Stupid Package Deals

-- dinner and a movie about the meat-packing industry

-- room and board of directors

-- Netflix and chill to zero degrees Kelvin

#40121: April Fools Pranks (Other Species)

— push your buddy off of a branch and then bite his nuts (squirrel)

— put up a bunch of “no mitosis allowed” signs in the break room (amoeba)

— dye the klerrrb pink and make noises like a 3-horned greep (creature from the planet Klooot)

#70821b: More SMALLER URBAN CENTER CIVIC ANTHEMS (Eastern Colorado)

--"Trinidad—Not Too Bad!” by Dave “L.” Johnson

--"Who Needs Eads? (Unh, I Do.)" by unknown

--"Two Buttes Is Enough Buttes for Me!" by Burt Bacharach

#2271: Halloween Costumes (Scary, Because It's True!)

-- Dennis's receding hairline

-- the chewy bits in a bowl of Dollar Store spumoni

-- Covid-denying Frankenstein

#404: Possible Names for the New Donkey

— Dennis

— Dennis the Tremendous

— Dennis the Tremendous Tennis Donkey from Venice

— Curveball

#61103: More Rejected Gameshow Premises

-- “Who Wants to Change My Pants?”

-- “Cage-Match” with Charles Nelson-Reilly

-- “Gut That Fish!”

#72561: Rarer then "When Pigs Fly"

-- "When pigs fly, but you actually know some of the pigs."

-- "When pugs fly."

-- "When pigs fly, but you actually know some of the pigs are pugs."

#30004: Let's Clear a Few Things Up

-- I was there.

-- I saw what you did.

-- It's all been a pack of lies.

#11215: Unjust Reasons for Your Poor Performance Review

-- refusal to kiss boss's pet toad, Bobo, on the lips

-- name is similar to that of Serbian porn sensation, Lennard Smoot

-- intermittent cinnamon-y flatulence

#12342: Let's All Be Grateful For

-- functional plumbing

-- all of our weirder friends

-- good-looking poets

#28290: Lesser Pandemics

— the Bernie-memepocalypse (2021)

— Halitosis ‘76!

— the Fresno Head-lice Incident

#55621: Great Pop Songs about Tofu

— Fooled Around and Fell (in Tofu)

— Sympathy for the Bean Curd

— To-To-Fuddio!

#60610: Great Catch! (Near Great)

— Waking up next to a 3-item list writer

— That time Mabel swatted a bat right out of the night air

— Grabbed the liquid paper right before it spilled on the real paper

#4356: Under-Represented Subjects in Modern Poetry

-- the enthusiastic eating of waffles

-- toenails

-- what it's like inside a hose

#47487: Random April Fools Pranks

-- replace all the xenon with argon

-- start walking like a crab

-- every number except 36 is now odd

#78880: April Fools Pranks (Difficult to Pull Off)

-- claim to have grown a third testicle

-- mathematical subversion of Dr. Kornwald's theorem

-- Ducks have taken over Earth!

#66422: Hours after Happy Hour (4-6)

-- Creeping Discontent Hour (6-8)

-- Cry like a Lonely Wino Hour (8-9)

-- Any Pants in a Storm Hour (9-)

#14802: Less Impressive Superhero Skills of Budget Protagonist, Captain Capable

— usually has tape

— able to leap

— speaks fluent turtle

#59192: More Colonoscopy Video Soundtrack Songs

-- Nice Work If You Can Get It

-- Cold as Ice

-- Touch Me in the Morning