#2702b: Nolympic Sports

 -- Ice Pole-dancing
 -- The Freyathalon
 -- Grece-Roman-Russian Dressing Wrestling

#9107: Inappropriate "Tramp-stamp" Tattoo Messages

-- your AARP membership number
-- "Thanks for everything, Sister John-Marie!"
-- "Do you want fries with that?"

#6436: My ____ Is ____ (Which Is Not ___)

   -- Dentist, Present, a Present
   -- Indigestion, It's Own Voting Bloc, Democratic
   -- Date, a Reptile, a Ticket to Cuddly-Time

#15422: Protest Songs I Have Yet to Record

   -- "Stuck in Suburbia with Che Guevara's  Lawnmower"
   -- "Middle-Aged Magic Eightball"
   -- "Big Revolution (In My Pants)"

#74842: Rejected Names for the Company Softball Team

-- The Suckdogs
-- Inkblot Dan and the Dicky Shills
-- The Who's Left after the Layoffs

#56: Good Times to Masturbate

-- now
-- later
-- bus ride

#356: Tier-2 Deadly Sins

-- foot odor
-- being poor
-- hating kittens

#41166: Rental Hearse Business Names (Not Yet Taken)

-- Deadpants Delivery
-- Stiff-Lifts
-- Bring Out Yer Dad!

#81129: 3 Things that Can Kill the Mood at a Dinner Party

--politics
--religion
--the Kool-aid guy

#43090: Night School Easy A's

-- Pokemon for Grownups
-- Sleeping with the Spanish Teacher: Level 2
-- Beer Appreciation

#50921: The Shortest Distance between Two ____ Is a Straight ____

-- Wasted Evenings, -to-Video Van Damme Movie
-- Epic Hangovers, Mug of Tequila
-- Sweeney Todd Musical Numbers, Razor

#832: The Noble Squid! Symbol of…

-- handshakes/handshakery
-- winning charm
-- things that would gladly eat you given the chance and excuse to

#7: Phobias (High Pathetic Quotient)

--Autoroomiphobia: fear of going into the garage
--Askatacophobia: fear of ordering in Spanish in a Mexican restaurant
--Gloopaphobia: fear of being naked in pudding"

#444b: More You're Getting Warmer

-- flames>>>old flames
-- lunch>>>3-martini lunch
-- memories>>>memory foam

#444a: You're Getting Warmer

-- nurse>>>nursing
-- cat>>>catsuit
-- friend>>>friend with benefits

#281: Fillers

-- unused chicken parts
-- 3-item lists
-- Leon

#60162: Cartoon Characters that Irritate the Republican Members of Congress

-- Contraceptive Spongebob
-- "Frieda" Flintstone
-- Clifford, the Big Red Dog who Helps Poor Children Receive Adequate Health Care

#8411: Cable Channels You Don't Get

-- The Future Channel (Now with Stock Prices!)
-- Igneous! (Geology...after dark...)
-- What Your Neighbors Really Say About You Channel (WYNRSAY)

#800: Improvements on Nature

 -- music
 -- memory foam
 -- Mexican food

#12000: "When a U-Turn Just Won't Do"

-- X-Turn
-- W-Turn
-- Pi-Turn

#93230: Unclaimed IKEA Product Names

 -- Fnurrgsluf
 -- Cootboot (with an umlaut or two)
 -- Stimmisak

#239: A Few Remaining Bugs in the Ol' System

-- Still too easily swayed by the opinion of anyone wearing a kilt.
-- Fear of conflict.
-- Drool sometimes.

#45121: Cards for Lesser Celebrations

 -- Thanks for the Back Waxing!
 -- National Podiatry Day Greetings!
 -- Happy Birthday of the Guy who Invented Telemarketing!

#8409: Starve a ____, Feed a _____

 -- cannibal, carnivorous jungle plant
 -- nationwide economic recovery, snickering group of ultra-wealthy conservative tax-cheats
 -- cat, growing paranoia that someone is planning to kill and eat you the next time you fall asleep

#33300: Three _____ and You're Out!

-- strikes (or streaking incidents)
-- Long Island ice teas
-- taunts directed at James Bond about how stupid his ejector seat button looks