#7373: Tests for Doneness

 — voices of everyone else in the room start to sound like bees buzzing

 — ass begins to itch, legs go numb

 — toothpick stuck into soft part no longer elicits yelps of pain

#19259: Lesser Trials

 -- pooping in a hotel lobby restroom
 -- the O.K. Simpson murders
 -- writing poetry about marmots, on demand

#41510: More Stuff that Can Still Be Had for Free

 -- half and half
 -- sturm und drang
 -- the thrill of being tailgated by some dude in a Ford F150

#36131: Less-Well-Defined Protagonists

 -- Professor Somebody
 -- guy whose name is only an ampersand
 -- will of American people

#37378: Lesser, but Still Certain, Certainties

 -- Beth and saxes
 -- bad breath and faxes
 -- somewhere, within earshot, a delivery truck is backing up

#44738: Awkward Remainders

 -- pi and a half
 -- unsquished part of possum
 -- Leon's backwash

#8916: But It's Filled with Protein...

 -- disappointment

 -- escargogurt

 -- meat toothpaste

#58250: Clear and Dangerous Present

-- kiss on the lips from a crocodile
-- Leon shows up with 3 unmarked burritos

-- heart-shaped ziplock bag from Vlad the Inhaler

#61554: But I Digress…

-- the last 25 years

-- the 15 years before that
-- when I went bowling instead of fighting off the zombies

#7495: Tea-Time (Other Countries)

-- 7:30PM: Cheese-Pasta and Screen Hour (U.S.)

-- 2:00AM: hunt the florescent freshwater eels and eat them raw (that country I wouldn't do well in)
-- 10:15AM: beer-bongs and bongos (Stevelvania)

#66606: That's Classic Cthulu!

-- Shows up late for the apocolypse

-- Leaves the seat up again
-- Vaporizes whole months with his breath

#20181: What Am I Doing? (Again?)

-- over focusing on toasting a perfect marshmallow 

-- blowing too much ass out of my smoke
-- singing along to Dan Fogelberg

#71131: Highlights of Previous State-of-the-Union Speeches

 — Eisenhower’s introduction of “Millie, the Military Industrial Complex Platypus”

 — Socks the cat yorks in Al Gore’s lap during Clinton’s third thoughtful pause
 — the “Dancing Truman-ettes!”

#2027: More Bad Sounds to Wake Up To

 -- that low growl the larger cat makes before he boots all over your slippers

 -- State of the Union audio clips
 -- that low growl the smaller cat makes before she boots on the carpet next to your slippers

#2208: Need to Reschedule

— next round of hemorrhoids

— Monday, for next 100 weeks
— upcoming nervous breakdown

#49903: Yet More Disappointing Ways to Die

 — heart attack in a hot tub except everyone is wearing their bathing suits
 — anaphylactic boredom
 — you get pushed off the roof of a tall Walgreens

#63578: When It Stopped Being Funny

 -- When Jeff started doing it...
 -- Cat stopped smiling, started biting...
 -- PocketBucket List #43, probably...

#15400: Non-Award-Winning Documentaries about Me (Not Yet Filmed)

 -- "Scared Fat!"
 -- "Sweet Oatmeal, and Other Uninteresting Fetishes"
 -- "Staring Contest with Mediocrity: The J DiegoStory"

#833430: Rhymes I Will Use in a Poem Titled “Beer 30”

— Sears flirty
— ear squirty
— mud geyser

#112317: More As-Yet-Unproduced Barge-Related Movies

-- Death on a Barge
-- A Barge Named Marge
-- Bargain Bargin' 3: Bargin' in Belgium!

#38868: Grateful for (Not Really)

-- That Santa Fe highway on-ramp improvement project that’s still going on after 4.5 years.
-- Really getting to know my digestive system as I get older
-- Electoral College

#2968: Least Memorable Last Words

-- Checkmate! No, wait…
-- I'll have the linguini.
-- Look at what?

#37378: Sportsperson? Or Thing Found in Your Pants?

-- summer-weight boxers
-- "Little Bob" Costas
-- nose guard

#7495: Tea-Time (Other Countries)

-- 7:30PM: Cheese-Pasta and Screen Hour (U.S.)
-- 2:00AM: hunt the florescent freshwater eels and eat them raw (that country I wouldn't do well in)
-- 10:15AM: beer-bongs and bongos (Stevelvania)

#61554: But I Digress…

-- the last 25 years
-- the 15 years before that
-- when I went bowling instead of fighting off the zombies