10 July 2018

#7373: Tests for Doneness

 — voices of everyone else in the room start to sound like bees buzzing
 — ass begins to itch, legs go numb
 — toothpick stuck into soft part no longer elicits yelps of pain

09 July 2018

#19259: Lesser Trials

 -- pooping in a hotel lobby restroom
 -- the O.K. Simpson murders
 -- writing poetry about marmots, on demand

#41510: More Stuff that Can Still Be Had for Free

 -- half and half
 -- sturm und drang
 -- the thrill of being tailgated by some dude in a Ford F150

#36131: Less-Well-Defined Protagonists

 -- Professor Somebody
 -- guy whose name is only an ampersand
 -- will of American people

#37378: Lesser, but Still Certain, Certainties

 -- Beth and saxes
 -- bad breath and faxes
 -- somewhere, within earshot, a delivery truck is backing up

#44738: Awkward Remainders

 -- pi and a half
 -- unsquished part of possum
 -- Leon's backwash

#8916: But It's Filled with Protein...

 -- disappointment
 -- escargogurt
 -- meat toothpaste

#58250: Clear and Dangerous Present

-- kiss on the lips from a crocodile
-- Leon shows up with 3 unmarked burritos
-- heart-shaped ziplock bag from Vlad the Inhaler

#61554: But I Digress…

-- the last 25 years
-- the 15 years before that
-- when I went bowling instead of fighting off the zombies

#7495: Tea-Time (Other Countries)

-- 7:30PM: Cheese-Pasta and Screen Hour (U.S.)
-- 2:00AM: hunt the florescent freshwater eels and eat them raw (that country I wouldn't do well in)
-- 10:15AM: beer-bongs and bongos (Stevelvania)

#66606: That's Classic Cthulu!

-- Shows up late for the apocolypse
-- Leaves the seat up again
-- Vaporizes whole months with his breath

#20181: What Am I Doing? (Again?)

-- over focusing on toasting a perfect marshmallow 
-- blowing too much ass out of my smoke
-- singing along to Dan Fogelberg

#71131: Highlights of Previous State-of-the-Union Speeches

 — Eisenhower’s introduction of “Millie, the Military Industrial Complex Platypus”
 — Socks the cat yorks in Al Gore’s lap during Clinton’s third thoughtful pause
 — the “Dancing Truman-ettes!”

#2027: More Bad Sounds to Wake Up To

 -- that low growl the larger cat makes before he boots all over your slippers
 -- State of the Union audio clips
 -- that low growl the smaller cat makes before she boots on the carpet next to your slippers

#2208: Need to Reschedule

— next round of hemorrhoids
— Monday, for next 100 weeks
— upcoming nervous breakdown

#49903: Yet More Disappointing Ways to Die

#63578: When It Stopped Being Funny

 -- When Jeff started doing it...
 -- Cat stopped smiling, started biting...
 -- PocketBucket List #43, probably...

#15400: Non-Award-Winning Documentaries about Me (Not Yet Filmed)

24 November 2017

28 October 2017

#38868: Grateful for (Not Really)

-- That Santa Fe highway on-ramp improvement project that’s still going on after 4.5 years.
-- Really getting to know my digestive system as I get older
-- Electoral College

#2968: Least Memorable Last Words

-- Checkmate! No, wait…
-- I'll have the linguini.
-- Look at what?

#37378: Sportsperson? Or Thing Found in Your Pants?

-- summer-weight boxers
-- "Little Bob" Costas
-- nose guard

#7495: Tea-Time (Other Countries)

-- 7:30PM: Cheese-Pasta and Screen Hour (U.S.)
-- 2:00AM: hunt the florescent freshwater eels and eat them raw (that country I wouldn't do well in)
-- 10:15AM: beer-bongs and bongos (Stevelvania)

#61554: But I Digress…

-- the last 25 years
-- the 15 years before that
-- when I went bowling instead of fighting off the zombies

#58250: Clear and Dangerous Present

-- Leon shows up with 3 unmarked burritos
-- kiss on the lips from a crocodile
-- heart-shaped ziplock bag from Vlad the Inhaler

#49788: Inflatable Love Dolls (Bargain Bin)

-- Naugahyde-Lips Norman
-- Plump-Rump President Trump
-- The Penguin ( classic Batman series)

#31000: Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

-- fear of the unknown
-- fear of how hard it would be to be the first to just get along
-- face it, Steve's a dick

#67943: What I Avoided to Get to Where I Am

-- the boy scouts
-- death
-- term-papers, wherever possible

#53005: Short Vacations in Hell

-- Presidents Day hunting lodge weekend with Zombie Scalia
-- the last 5 red lights before home
-- spa day with Russell

#46091: Shortened Operas

-- La Bohemini
-- The Not-as-Magic Oboe
-- Nixon Gets Chinese Take-out

#43333: Stops along the Way to the Great Middle

-- expectation-lowering seminar
-- counter where they sell bus passes and pop
-- restroom of self-delusion

#63665: Where Is My Mind? (with apologies to The Pixies)

-- lotto fantasy camp
-- inside someone else's pants again
-- the usual empty room with the view of Lake Nothing

#15400: Non-Award-Winning Documentaries about Me (Not Yet Filmed)

-- "Scared Fat!"
-- "Sweet Oatmeal, and Other Uninteresting Fetishes"
-- "Staring Contest with Mediocrity: The J Diego Story"

#63578: When It Stopped Being Funny

-- When Jeff started doing it...
-- Cat stopped smiling, started biting...
-- PocketBucket List #43, probably...

#19251: Alternatives to Happy Ever After

-- Happy every other Wednesday from 5-8 in the evening after
-- Happy after Evan
-- Kind of happy (not really) but not in any obvious pain either ever after

List #45088: First Names of the Unwelcome

-- Hurricane
-- Brent
-- "Leaky" Phil

#6666b: Who ELSE You Gonna Call?

-- Toast-busters!
-- Pot Roast-busters!
-- Donny Most-busters!

#9075: One Small Step for ____, One Giant ____ for ____

-- Manny, Drain-and-Fill Job, Manny's Pool Cleaner
-- Moths, Ineffectual Flapping Motion, Mothkind
-- Moose, Bruise, That Damn Drunk-ass Marmot
#47m: Yes, Even More Literary Collective Nouns
-- a giant shoe of nursery rhymes
-- a panopticon of Rashomon adaptations
-- a leaky backpack of love poems

47l: Yet More Literary Collective Nouns

-- a clusterfuck of critical essays
-- a tiki-bar of hipster poets
-- a mass debate of Onanist philosophers

#47k: Unpublished Dr. Suess Stories (Controversial)

-- The Caribou that Spat at You
-- Too Many Mongolians! Says Mr. Vongolium
-- I Saw 17 Things Through the Hole in the Fence

#47j: Less Popular Parts of the Book

-- drum solo after chapter 8
-- about the author, but it goes on for like, 12 pages
-- tiny light-blue footnotes in Esperanto

#47i: Early Drafts of Famous First Sentences

-- At my last job, everyone called me "I-Bone" because of something that happened on my first day there, but lately I have been going by the slightly more formal name, Ishmael Henderson.
-- Not only was it dark that night, but a storm was just wailing down on us and Countess Liesl was in a really pissy mood.
-- Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia kept burping up the comforting flavor of banana fritters, though he had had no breakfast that morning.

#47h: Under-used POV's

-- second person, once removed
-- omniscient (except can't remember where it left its keys) narrator
-- as told by a tiny wizard who lives in one of the finger holes of the hero's bowling ball

#19963: When I Think of You I…

-- …think of me, thinking of you.
-- …rub against happy memories.
-- …giggle in church

#79399: Cleared for Landing (My Brain's Airport)

-- free-floating anxiety copter
-- ego blimp with a bad leak
-- probably some earwigs

#45531: Unclaimed Catchphrases from a Sitcom I'll Never Star In

-- "Save me a snack cake!"
-- "Beano. Stat!"
-- "There goes the last honest party clown..."

#49910: Other State Secrets Divulged by the President

-- recipe for White House kitchen's amazing ranch dressing (to Kid Rock)
-- penis size (to Merkel, May, etc)
-- first 4 digits of nuclear codes (to spam email form offering free slinky)

#71670: Urologist Slogans to Avoid

-- "Put the jingle back in your tinkle!" (Dr. I. Leftwiz)
-- "He'll never stiff you!" (Dr. J. "Armstrong" Bass)
-- "Catheter got your tongue?" (anon.)

#32489: More Discontinued Costco Items

-- Candied Genoa salami
-- DVD Life of Jesus: Director's Cut
-- olives as big as a baby's fist

#63090: Loose Meat Sandwiches of Infamy

-- Sloppy-Joe's Science Fair project
-- bhan mi with Denise
-- The "pulled pork in public" incident

#60469: M-I-S-S-____-I-S-S-____!

-- A-P-P, O
-- U-S-W-I-L-S-O-N, L-E-E-P-I-N-G-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-G-Y-M-T-E-A-C-H-E-R
-- U-R-P, E-R-R

#51757: Not Moving on Ebay

-- Hitler's enema bag (reproduction)
-- big-wheel with a bent wheel
-- my bowels (Buy It Now!)

#2271: Cage-Free Kung Fu Films

-- Secret of the Herbs and Spices: Return of Col. Yang
-- Enter the Restaurant
-- Chicken-Foot Monk's Revenge

#29158: Bad Adjectives to Find in a Wine Review

-- Nixonian
-- cargopants-ish
-- formadehydey

#62290: More Useful Religious Tracts

-- Prosyletizing about Your Prostate: God Has a Glove On
-- Blessed Are the Meek, My Ass!
-- Here. Use This to Cover that Stain.

#67986: More Worst Triplets Names

-- Zither, Panflute, and Jeff
-- Kim-Jong, Zuckerberg, and Snooki
-- Tom-And-Jerry, Jerold, and Tom

#65951: Worst Pilgrimages

-- taxi to the Cathedral of Sharts
-- el camino del food poisoning
-- journey back in time to see my English teach naked again

#70185: Clowns that Never Got Off the Ground

-- Buffo and his magic chamois
-- Short Adolph
-- Mr. Unprepared

#5263: "I Demand My Writes"

-- epic poem about the oldest Winchells Donuts in SE Denver
-- note excusing me from work forever
-- just one more letter from either of my parents

#73445: Remind Me Again

-- why I chose to wear salmon pants
-- why our species forgot to conquer death
-- why Dave brought so much extra lube

#40056: Picture of Health (More Like a Sketch)

-- aging dictator of Greencouchistan
-- my overweight tabby-Siamese mix cat
-- retirement savings

#68577: A: Katie Couric's Colonoscopy Video

-- Q: What won the hearts of filmgoers at the 1996 Topeka Film Fest?
-- Q: What is the worst name for a nightclub that you can come up with?
-- Q: In what film does the hero quote my poetry?

#68206: "Pick of the Litter"

-- unsquashed powdered donut at the edge of the box
-- colorful advertising flyer featuring smiling face of an attractive Jesus
-- whatever falls from the back of the emperor's motorcycle

#17171: Racist-Sounding Comfort Foods

-- Mexican "pile-up"
-- "crazy" Chinese chicken
-- "fucking Belgian" pizza

#70187: Pirates of Indifference

-- Long Greg Whatever
-- Hesitating Gary
-- Jean-Pierre Fugue State

#67286: Let's Just Take It One ____ at ____ ____

-- Enema, an Angle
-- Tangential Leap, a Squirrel!
-- Epiphany, a Bonghit

#69770: "Stick to the Topic"

-- ponderous pine
-- wet cottonwood
-- Douglas's math teacher fir

#1142: Unwelcome Adjectives in a Review of Your Book

-- flatulent
-- beef-a-roni-esque
-- craptastic

#1937: Candy Nobody Wants

-- lemonasses
-- sneeromint patty
-- gummi senior citizens

#9662: Reasons to Avoid Tonight's Vegan Special

-- tofurkey not fresh-caught
-- found wok chef's beard-net on counter in men's room
-- comes with mung bean smoothie

#8062: Heavy Metal Blands

-- The Undead Lawrence Welks
-- Beige Satan

#6200: More Literary Collective Nouns

#6200: More Literary Collective Nouns
-- a Nantucket of limericks
-- a landfill of graduate theses
-- a chumbucket of chapbooks

#42619: Still Under the Radar

-- approaching mini-tornado
-- the soothing Central-Kansas song stylings of Resmondo and Doop
-- the breakout literary form of self-referential 3-item lists

#305: Still Too Big on Me

-- the Helmet of Leadership
-- the Eve of Destruction
-- the Freshly Laundered Undershirt of Dave

04 February 2017

#18749: Underheralded Quests

 -- the search for the Roly-Poly Grail
 -- save the princess from the dragon's attorney
 -- dethroning the King of Flatulence

19 January 2017

#42033: Choose Your Weapon

-- silly string, or squirtgun full of grapefruit juice
-- pen, or penis
-- sarcasm, or schmarcasm

#79439: No Longer Popular in the Internet

-- Mike Dukkakis fan site
-- pokes from elderly relatives
-- clever, alphabetically arranged haikus

#19896: Too Figurative to Bail

-- the idea of a bucket
-- a mime's bucket
-- a pocket bucket

24 November 2016

#38861: Odd Things that I’m Actually Quite Grateful for

-- cheap and plentiful rubber bands
-- the sound of my children snoring
-- the 3-item list form

22 November 2016

17 November 2016

#28652: Guilty Pleasures (Other Species)

 -- nut fondling (squirrel)
 -- fondling Uranus (Neptunians)
 -- nut fondling (Jeff)

15 November 2016

#5520: Feels like the Fourth Time

 -- seventh Star Wars movie
 -- first attempt to convince Uncle Doug that the Internet isn't a Soviet plot. 
 -- second trip to lice removal clinic

03 November 2016

#46313: How It Should Have Ended

 -- Batman and Superman get it on, are embarrassed later. 
 -- Forrest Gump elected supreme dictator, fixes health care. 
 -- Citizen Kane escapes down mountain on sled

27 October 2016

#79537: Corrections to Yesterday's List

 -- First item is actually the same as third item.
 -- Used the word "Taint" instead of the word "Trump."
 -- Third item is actually a repeat of first item.

23 October 2016

20 October 2016

#59192: Up Shit ____ without a ____

 -- Alley, Switchblade
 -- Tower, Fire Escape
 -- Mountain, Can of Yeti Repellent

12 October 2016

#41472: Other Things that I'm Ignoring

 -- "goo-goo eyes" from Louise in marketing
 -- tiny senior citizens in sock drawer
 -- X-mas lights spelling out warning

28 September 2016

#19259: Rejected Mints

 -- Peepermint ("The gum that watches you get dressed!")
 -- Governmint ("Tastes just like congress!")
 -- Spiromint ("Now with 10% more Agnew!")

19 September 2016

#6519: Spreadable at Room Temperature

 -- PocketBucket list writer's easy lack of virtue
 -- rumor about hidden race of super-pigs
 -- Leon

15 September 2016

#44738: More Misheard Lyrics (slightly)

 -- I can't get no Sabbath action…
 -- Rikki don't lose that numb purse…
 -- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, bath mat!

14 September 2016

#59682: Drives a Soft Bargain

 -- Siamese cat of Death
 -- Crazy Tiffany's used car lot
 -- Mister Muffins, the giggly hostage negotiator

25 July 2016

#10840: Collectibles (Not Yet)

 -- tasteful nudes of Republican presidential candidates
 -- my 8th-grade soccer jersey
 -- second virginity

06 July 2016

#8649: Dance Hits that Missed

 -- The Brigham Young Shuffle
 -- Underarm Funk
 -- (C'mon) Do the Assclench!

30 June 2016

#68075: Prison-Related Reasons to Sell House

 -- unsightly gun-towers
 -- too close to brother-in-law
 -- won't toss our baseball back over the fence

27 June 2016

#74487: Special Sauce (Other Species)

 -- tears of foreign orphans (Dick Cheney)
 -- acorn drool (squirrel)
 -- Miracle-Whip (televangelfetishists)

09 June 2016

#74120: Extra Commandments (Not Used)

 -- Thou shalt not make excessive lip-smacking and other yummy noises.
 -- Honor thy offers.
 -- Quit peeing in the sink.

06 June 2016

#2980: I'd ____ a Mile in His ____

 -- Turkey-trot, Hip-boots
 -- Cringe, Insecurities
 -- Flounce, Bloomers

02 June 2016

#76292: Assorted Surprises after Completely Undressing

 -- third foot but no third leg
 -- tattoo of Vivian Vance on taint
 -- date isn't retching

01 June 2016

27 May 2016

19 May 2016

#64020: DWI's Less Successful Cousins

 -- DWM (Driving While Miffed)
 -- DWTSA (Driving While Terrestrial Squids Attack)
 -- DWEETAC (Driving While Entertaining Erotic Thoughts about Coworker)

18 May 2016

#19058: Specialty of the House (Other Houses)

 -- treated rat-skin jacket (Discount Suede)
 -- peaches 'n lard (Pie)
 -- bracing after dinner discussion about Stendahl (Al Gore's)

13 May 2016

#37219: Just Glad to Be Here (Not)

 -- Presidential Debate
 -- rehearsal dinner in Shelob's lair
 -- cannibal thanksgiving

29 April 2016

#21729: Three More Wishes for the Genie

 -- three more wishes
 -- 12-inch pianist
 -- power to make it rain jellybeans

25 April 2016

#13614: Preparations for the Inevitible

 -- get one of those donut-shaped chair pillows
 -- SPF 5800
 -- resignation speech pre-written on back of eylelids

23 April 2016

#60469: M-I-S-S-____-I-S-S-____!

 -- A-P-P, O
 -- U-S-W-I-L-S-O-N, L-E-E-P-I-N-G-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-G-Y-M-T-E-A-C-H-E-R
 -- U-R-P, E-R-R

21 April 2016

#71290: Reasons Not to Invite Dave to the Orgy

 -- hung like a velociraptor
 -- not enough kleenex in the world
 -- always shows up pre-lubed

17 April 2016

#24602: Blues (Deserved)

 -- Got the Lowdown Ineffective Senate Majority Leader Blues
 -- Done Gone Confused the Lube with the Ben-Gay Agin
 -- Another Damn Friday with Ronald

13 April 2016

#57464: More ___ than a ____ of ____

 -- sticky, sweatlodge, Jeffs
 -- questionable, banquet, microwaved meatballs
 -- than a woman, tenor section, disco crooners

12 April 2016

#45202: Permanent Features of Mediocracy

 -- neighbor with lawn gnome fetish
 -- tattoo of Clara Peller on ass
 -- Monument to the Unknown Monument

08 April 2016

28 March 2016

19 March 2016

18 March 2016

29 February 2016

18 February 2016

#44683: Failed Corporate Jargon

 -- synchronize our Tele-Tubbies
 -- wang this over to HR
 -- multi-level cow milking

16 February 2016

#44689: I ____ What I ____ and I ____ What I ____

 -- Meaned/Sayed, Sayed/Meaned
 -- Fed/Feared, Feared/Fed
 -- Groped/Needed, Kneaded/Groped

11 February 2016

#44695: Not So Watery Graves

 -- no-booze, no-caffeine "cleanse"
 -- sarchophagus with spin cycle
 -- the tears of Dick Cheney

18 January 2016

#44687: Cheers for Fears

 -- Yip-Yip-Yip-Icthyphobia!
 -- Rickety-Rack, Rickety-Bridge, Scared of Heights and Water, Midge!
 -- P, E, S-h-y, You Ain't Got No Alibi! You Pee-Shy! Huh? You Pee-Shy!

14 January 2016

#44680a: Inside Every ____ Is a Tiny ____ Waiting to ____

 -- Ear, Venusian Ear Beetle, Get Approval to Build a Deck
 -- Senator, Senator, Personally Screen the New Interns
 -- Bonsai Tree, Squirrel, Steal Your Nuts

12 January 2016

#44675: More Less Impressive Monuments

 -- Spiro Agnew Memorial Highway Rest Stop
 -- Tomb of the Unknown Swim Trunks
 -- Statue of Lethargy

29 December 2015

#44691: Views into the Near to Very Near Future

 -- tiny winged bug about to fly up your nose
 -- previously suppressed flatulence becomes unsuppressed
 -- funny lists not going to "break through"

28 December 2015

19 December 2015

#44694: Banned Substances (Less Banned)

 -- strawberry poptarts
 -- distilled essence of irresponsiblity
 -- mildly hallucinogenic toad sweat

18 December 2015

#44692: Nearer My Dog to Thee

 -- family leaves me in the car while it gets ice cream
 -- would rather go back to bed after breakfast
 -- not sure where that smell coming from

11 December 2015

#44696: Yet More Rejected Disneyland Theme Rides

 -- Scar's Treacherous Water Slide
 -- Something about Those Mice on Ellis Island Water Slide
 -- Donald Duck Gets Gonorrhea Water Slide 

09 December 2015

#59682: Middle-Distance Death Experiences

 -- some of my poems
 -- kissing a moose on the mouth
 -- Tamarac Square, Denver,  Decemeber 1981

08 December 2015

#71043: Inappropriate Holiday Party Themes

 -- Bucket o' Naked Santas!
 -- "Kill the Heathen" & White-Elephant Gift Exchange
 -- Nobody Leaves Until I Find Out Who Clogged the Crapper

02 December 2015

#44665: More Rejected Disneyland Theme Attractions

 -- Sebastian's Undersea Pleasure Grotto
 -- Goofy's Amtrak Disaster
 -- Whack-a-dwarf

30 November 2015

#44697: Other Time Periods of Discontent

 -- the indian summer of our recorder recital
 -- cold snap of our chemically diminished sex drive
 -- 3-day weekend of our suburbia

23 November 2015

#61897: Yet More Euphemisms for Private Parts

-- Amsterdam

-- Mrs. Cunningham

-- Woodrow Wilson and the League of Nations (in my pants)

19 November 2015

#54977: The First against the Wall

 -- Person who decided to move Friday from weekend to work week
 -- Primer paint
 -- Author of small print disclaimers on my Arby's coupons

18 November 2015

#61091: Cherished-yet-Fuzzy Memories

-- that time I kissed what’s-his-or-her-name

-- being named “most likely to do something or other…”

-- the first time I saw that body of, I think, water

10 November 2015

#84221: Who Let the ____s Out? (____)

 -- Methane Clouds, Dave of course
 -- Greased-Pig Metaphors, Crazy-ass Haiku Writer
 -- Room's Air, Guy from Sales who Brought Up the Wilson Account at Happy Hour

06 November 2015

#10999: Try and ____ Again

 -- Destroy Troy
 -- Tricycle on the Roof of a Speeding Train
 -- Trip Trent

04 November 2015

#33355: "Best Years of Our Lives!" (Other Demographics)

 -- Klerrrb-A-Palooza!, years 4407.7B - 4704.B7 (creature from Planet Klooot)
 -- Before the invention of dumpster lids but after the invention of dumpsters (raccoon)
 -- Early nirvana, when it still felt, y'know...earned (Buddha)

30 October 2015

#1031b: Costumes (Ambiguous)

 -- Me, but taller somehow...
 -- Opthamologist
 -- Sexy mixed metaphor

24 October 2015

#87310: Proud Accomplishments (Other Species)

 -- Listened to "In the Aeroplane over the Sea" but with the tracks in alpha order (hipster nerd)
 -- Pile of stolen nuts (squirrel)
 -- Got through hygiene lecture without giggling (teenage Al Gore)

16 October 2015

#13741: Not Enough of, Ever

-- chocolate frosted donuts

-- non-stressful harmonica solos

-- hugs from my kids

14 October 2015

#13944: Clerical Errors of the Supernatural

-- haunted by the ghost of former English teacher but you were never actually enrolled in her class

-- lycanthropic philanthropy

-- Ouija board got it wrong all fucking night, man

12 October 2015

07 October 2015

#13433: What Are We REALLY Trying to Accomplish Here?

-- make Al Gore giggle again

-- roll the old wooden ball into the smallest hole

-- nothing less than total world domination in a very narrow area

04 October 2015

#13474: More Winning Strategies for the Apocalypse


-- Invest in good running shoes

-- Avoid any quartet of motorcyclists or horseback riders

-- zombification = gentrification w/o the cute shops