31 December 2013

PocketBucket List #7898b: Easy New Year’s Resos

 

-- Start arbitrarily shortening all 4-syllable and above words to cuter 2-syllable forms.

-- Incorporate one more pillow into my sleeping arrangement.

-- Poop indoors more.

19 December 2013

#12256: Less Popular Gift Ideas for the Kids


 -- "Baby Hitler" Playtime Bunker Set (includes "Achtung" the Puppy!)

 -- "Tickle Me L. Ron (Hubbard)"

 -- big bag o' scrap metal

16 August 2013

#54697: Gifts That Don’t Keep On Giving

-- junior mint
-- ticket to Disneyland North Korea
-- 3-item list

06 August 2013

#8035: Things NASA Hopes the Mars Rover Does NOT Find

-- NASA’s missing dry cleaning claim check

-- the keys to that car whose alarm has been going off for approximately a year in the NASA parking lot

-- Jimmy Hoffa and/or Geraldo Rivera

08 July 2013

26 June 2013

#29182: What I Did on My Summer Vacation (Predictive Edition)


-- went to work for effing most of it

-- drank significantly more tequila than I should’ve

-- went to France

22 June 2013

#5207b: Groupon Deal Subjects or Opening Acts for Phish?


 -- Laser Toenail Hair Removal
 -- Lunar Manscaping
 -- Bouncy Castle Afternoon

14 June 2013

05 June 2013

#84841: Separated at Birth?


-- Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb

-- cats and sleep-deprivation study experts

-- Mr. Peanut and Nazi apologist Herr Erdnuss

20 May 2013

#19123: Didn’t Do Because Too Busy (Regrets Division)


-- Peace March across the US for Nuclear Disarmament

-- kayaking the Grand Canyon

-- completely remove foil from breakfast burrito

02 May 2013

#78221: It’s Fun to Stay at the Y ____! (Also)


-- DWDIITR (don’t we do it in the road)
-- U R T
-- O L O

#57711: Less Impressive Presidential Libraries


-- The Millard Fillmore Archives-moblie
-- The James K. Polk 2 Crates o’ Pamphlets
-- The George W. Bush Collected Unswerving Beliefs in His Own Moral Rectitude and Frozen Yogurt Stand

#972: Who’s Yer Daddy?


-- Mr. Wilson
-- dead milkman
-- yer mom.

29 April 2013

17 April 2013

#65437: Useful Life-Skills (Not Widely Taught)


-- how to not offer your opinion every time
-- how to apply correct amount of salad dressing
-- how to not audibly hum “Six-Million-Dollar Man” theme music in public bathrooms

08 April 2013

03 April 2013

#79023: If It’s Not ____, Then It Won’t _____


-- emu meat, taste like a really big chicken
-- the funeral of a clown, make sense to throw a cream pie into the open casket
-- funny underpants, make me want to dance

01 April 2013

#15127: Choose A Side


-- shirts or skins
-- skorts or chins
-- Berts or Ernies

29 March 2013

69225: Wheel of Fortune (Other Dimensions)


-- Sphere of Lucky Coincidence (3rd)
-- Terragropp of Snergs (265th)
-- Dot of That’s All, Man (1st)

25 March 2013

#44992: ____ Plus Time Equals ____


-- Twinkie, Twinkie
-- Brussel Sprouts, Need for Solitude
-- Procrastination, A Rich Well of Unpublished PocketBucket Lists

22 March 2013

#53771: Next Year, If Not in Jerusalem, Then In


-- the Arbys on Colorado Blvd.
-- the “Cave of the Winds!”
-- a sleeping bag with several dozen bootleg Hostess Twinkies.

19 March 2013

#47821: Some Things I Meant to Do


-- clean lint filter
-- learn Cantonese
-- assess the many small catastrophes my continued existence has bestowed upon this weeping earth

11 March 2013

05 March 2013

#6144: Whence My Confusion


-- use of the word “whence”
-- that I’m still allowed near the donuts
-- Tuesday, but feels like April

27 February 2013

#44862: Grab Bag!


-- Channing Tatum O’Neal
-- kimjongtini
-- the third flying monkey out of one’s ass

19 February 2013

#2008b: Other Things with Which He Is Killing Me Softly

 -- his atonal humming
 -- his constant references to that time a guy told him he'd make a good navy seal
 -- his flatulence

18 February 2013

#51412: President Parts


-- Lincoln's left foot
-- Harding's philtrum
-- Washington's patellas

06 February 2013

#27707(d): Famous (Possibly Apocryphal) Quotes with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant”


-- "We have nothing to eggplant but eggplant itself" - Eggplant Roosevelt
-- "You can't make an eggplant without cracking a few eggs." - J Eggplant Frey
-- "I regret that I have but one eggplant to give for my country." - Nathan Eggplant

22 January 2013

#65120: Things Not to Bring Up in an Inaugural Poem


-- That the guy owes you money
-- How hard it is to rhyme with “inaugural”
-- Any embarrassing birthmarks

16 January 2013

04 January 2013

#4349: More Collective Nouns


-- a double-eyeroll of inane comments in the staff meeting
-- a surfeit of sherbets
-- an apocalypse of alpacas