29 December 2015

#44691: Views into the Near to Very Near Future


 -- tiny winged bug about to fly up your nose
 -- previously suppressed flatulence becomes unsuppressed
 -- funny lists not going to "break through"

28 December 2015

19 December 2015

#44694: Banned Substances (Less Banned)


 -- strawberry poptarts
 -- distilled essence of irresponsiblity
 -- mildly hallucinogenic toad sweat

18 December 2015

#44692: Nearer My Dog to Thee


 -- family leaves me in the car while it gets ice cream
 -- would rather go back to bed after breakfast
 -- not sure where that smell coming from

11 December 2015

#44696: Yet More Rejected Disneyland Theme Rides


 -- Scar's Treacherous Water Slide
 -- Something about Those Mice on Ellis Island Water Slide
 -- Donald Duck Gets Gonorrhea Water Slide 

09 December 2015

#59682: Middle-Distance Death Experiences


 -- some of my poems
 -- kissing a moose on the mouth
 -- Tamarac Square, Denver,  Decemeber 1981

08 December 2015

#71043: Inappropriate Holiday Party Themes


 -- Bucket o' Naked Santas!
 -- "Kill the Heathen" & White-Elephant Gift Exchange
 -- Nobody Leaves Until I Find Out Who Clogged the Crapper

02 December 2015

#44665: More Rejected Disneyland Theme Attractions


 -- Sebastian's Undersea Pleasure Grotto
 -- Goofy's Amtrak Disaster
 -- Whack-a-dwarf

30 November 2015

#44697: Other Time Periods of Discontent


 -- the indian summer of our recorder recital
 -- cold snap of our chemically diminished sex drive
 -- 3-day weekend of our suburbia

26 November 2015

23 November 2015

#61897: Yet More Euphemisms for Private Parts


-- Amsterdam

-- Mrs. Cunningham

-- Woodrow Wilson and the League of Nations (in my pants)

19 November 2015

#54977: The First against the Wall


 -- Person who decided to move Friday from weekend to work week
 -- Primer paint
 -- Author of small print disclaimers on my Arby's coupons

18 November 2015

#61091: Cherished-yet-Fuzzy Memories


-- that time I kissed what’s-his-or-her-name

-- being named “most likely to do something or other…”

-- the first time I saw that body of, I think, water

10 November 2015

#84221: Who Let the ____s Out? (____)


 -- Methane Clouds, Dave of course
 -- Greased-Pig Metaphors, Crazy-ass Haiku Writer
 -- Room's Air, Guy from Sales who Brought Up the Wilson Account at Happy Hour

06 November 2015

#10999: Try and ____ Again


 -- Destroy Troy
 -- Tricycle on the Roof of a Speeding Train
 -- Trip Trent

04 November 2015

#33355: "Best Years of Our Lives!" (Other Demographics)


 -- Klerrrb-A-Palooza!, years 4407.7B - 4704.B7 (creature from Planet Klooot)
 -- Before the invention of dumpster lids but after the invention of dumpsters (raccoon)
 -- Early nirvana, when it still felt, y'know...earned (Buddha)
 

30 October 2015

#1031b: Costumes (Ambiguous)


 -- Me, but taller somehow...
 -- Opthamologist
 -- Sexy mixed metaphor

24 October 2015

#87310: Proud Accomplishments (Other Species)


 -- Listened to "In the Aeroplane over the Sea" but with the tracks in alpha order (hipster nerd)
 -- Pile of stolen nuts (squirrel)
 -- Got through hygiene lecture without giggling (teenage Al Gore)

16 October 2015

#13741: Not Enough of, Ever


-- chocolate frosted donuts

-- non-stressful harmonica solos

-- hugs from my kids

14 October 2015

#13944: Clerical Errors of the Supernatural


-- haunted by the ghost of former English teacher but you were never actually enrolled in her class

-- lycanthropic philanthropy

-- Ouija board got it wrong all fucking night, man

12 October 2015

#13562: More Discontinued Clowns (too clingy)


-- Nostalgo

-- Hugs, the Bear-Hugging Half Bear

-- Disappointy-Head Dave

07 October 2015

#13433: What Are We REALLY Trying to Accomplish Here?


-- make Al Gore giggle again

-- roll the old wooden ball into the smallest hole

-- nothing less than total world domination in a very narrow area

04 October 2015

#13474: More Winning Strategies for the Apocalypse

 

-- Invest in good running shoes

-- Avoid any quartet of motorcyclists or horseback riders

-- zombification = gentrification w/o the cute shops

29 September 2015

#13551: I Shall Fear No Eval


-- unspoken judgment of lady selling me 48-pack of twinkies

-- clown court

-- results from “Which Osmond Brother Is Your Myers-Briggs Type” online quiz (it’s going to be Meryl, though)

23 September 2015

#13223: Are There Any Questions?

 

-- Who wants to know?

-- Why do you ask?

-- Any poptarts left?

21 September 2015

#13187: The Responsible Thing


-- Because I misheard her say the word “folate”

-- Left life to the last minute again

-- Codependent relationship with donuts

16 September 2015

#13720: Dangerously Unclear on the Concept

 

-- when cousin Marshall brought his collage pieces to that MMA tourney

-- cayenne jello

-- CrocDates.com ("Date a Live Crocodile tonight!")

11 September 2015

#91115: Didn't Make It onto the Ark


 -- breed of cat that doesn't york in your shoes
 -- cast-iron pigeons
 -- Ursus Snoozebaricus

08 September 2015

#13001: More Not to Be Repeated Moments

 

-- seventh grade

-- gonorrhea test

-- Trivial Pursuit with Al Gore

04 September 2015

#13540: Less-Enrolled Electives This Semester


-- Total Honesty 2B

-- Showing Up on Time Seminar

-- Non-Masturbation Practicum

02 September 2015

#13022: Friendly Insults


-- Your ass looks like my college roommate Paul (whom I always liked).

-- I am refreshed by your unironic vapidity!

-- Nice nuclear bomb, Einstein!

30 August 2015

#13122: There Wasn’t Supposed to Be


-- fire ants

-- this awkward ride to the airport with Denise

-- chocolate-flavored potato chips

25 August 2015

#13501: Why They Hate My Dog


-- mispronounces his woofs

-- will kill anyone who sits on that bench

-- still pooping out legos

21 August 2015

#61324: Other Things I Can Do with My Toes


-- applaud at poetry readings

-- pick up dropped doritos

-- make you forget your troubles for awhile

15 August 2015

12 August 2015

#61654: Less Controversial Judgements of Paris


-- the BBQ burger instead of the quinoa salad

-- dark blue undershorts for formal events

-- Goddess of Love over Goddess of Head-lice

09 August 2015

#93958: More Signs That It's Time to Panic

 -- streets crowded with feral pigs
 -- hard to find good blue jeans
 -- reanimation of dead presidents and/or 50's exercise gurus becomes a thing

03 August 2015

#61445: Not-Quite-Solved Mysteries


-- What’s under there?

-- Why do you ALWAYS fall for that gag? (heh-heh, you said “underwear”)

-- Chickens, motivations thereof.

27 July 2015

#61728: It’s Too Hot to ____


-- live up to my potential.

-- remain a “wearer of pants.”

-- not drink some chilled booze.

21 July 2015

#8823a: Genetic Tangents (Tangenetics?)


 -- the platypus
 -- ribonucleic acid jazz solo
 -- over-production of 3-item lists
 

14 July 2015

#64870: Heisenberg's Less-Popular Principles


 -- his "underpants exchange" principle
 -- his "certainty that Jennifer is sleeping with that guy from Spain" principle
 -- his "the principal is your pal" principle

06 July 2015

#76429: Triggers for My PTSD


 -- circus clowns with beards
 -- the sound of many little girls laughing somewhere down a deserted hospital hallway
 -- anytime someone says "Big Fuzzy Spider Time!"

01 July 2015

#55132: Songs that Make Me Wince at Dances


 -- "YMCA"
 -- "Memories" (from "Cats")
 -- "C'mon! (Everybody Do the Human Centipede!)"

29 June 2015

#64461: Things that Skitter


 -- ice cubes on a hot stove
 -- weasels with long fingernails dancing on a tile floor
 -- my sanity on occasion

26 June 2015

#42255: Tell-Tale Signs


 -- STOP (drinking so much before work, Steve.)
 -- MERGE (with Denise. Her boyfriend is in Toronto.)
 -- YIELD (shmeeld.)

#61477: Louie, Louie (Other Countries)


 -- Luis, Luis (Peru)
 -- Kim, Kim (North Korea)
 -- Moishe, Moishe (Israel)

22 June 2015

#42255: Tell-Tale Signs


 -- STOP (drinking so much before work, Steve.)
 -- MERGE (with Denise. Her boyfriend is in Toronto.)
 -- YIELD (shmeeld.)

16 June 2015

#71702: Cast Out of My Paradise


 -- soldiers in the chocolate donut army
 -- the Snooze Fairy
 -- President Chuckles

#8181 Cup Holders (Uncontested)

--Truth (The "Beauty Cup")
--Beauty (The "Truth Cup")
--Jeff (The "Whiffly Cup," Bakersfield Rec League Whiffle-Ball MVP, 1989)

09 June 2015

#19210: Whew, That Was a Middle-Distant Shave!


 -- escape from Chuck E. Cheese
 -- neighbor's angora goat
 -- taint clearing

07 June 2015

#35573: Wet Blankets (other planets)


-- “No-klerb” Durrrrg (Plaent Kloot)
-- Sting (Arrakis)
-- Sting (Planet Hollywood)

05 June 2015

#35572: Life of the Party! (other planets)

 
-- “Klerbish” Bleen! (Planet Kloot)
-- ol' Fumble-Nuts! (squirrel planet)
-- “Four-oh-one” Kay! (adulthood)

02 June 2015

#35575: Unlikely Lotto Number Combinations

 
-- 1,2,3,4,6,5
-- Pi, age of oldest pet, exaggerated penis length x 10, good-looking neighbor’s address divided by 12, 40, the value of S in that equation from the movie about the science hero
-- 3, 33, 333, 3333, 6, 5

30 May 2015

#21588: Misdemeanors against Humanity

 
-- salsa with no flavor
-- jaywalking a mile in somebody else’s shoes
-- TV shows where people try impress business executives and then whine about their experience directly to the camera

26 May 2015

#54661a: Irregular Lengths


-- 2 1/3 Pams
-- distance between Mr. Johnson and his nemesis
-- duration of my good moods

25 May 2015

#35574: Trends Not to Watch


-- tube socks with shorts popular again
-- increase in length and thickness of local back hair
-- naked selfies with Matlock

24 May 2015

#9012: Check, Please!


-- whether there is a cement mixer in my blind spot
-- it before you wreck same
-- that lump on your taint

21 May 2015

#35571: In Case of ____, Break ____

 
-- Eggos, Fast
-- Pretentiousness, Wind
-- Pushy but Good-Natured Wiseguys, Balls

08 May 2015

#74902: “That’s What Sheep Said!” (har-har-har…)


-- “Just tell me which direction to face.”
-- “Smells like wet wool up in here!”
-- “Bah ram you too, asshole!”

05 May 2015

22 April 2015

#31732: Now with Twice the Active Ingredient!


-- pro Zargballer from Planet Kloot (element J212)
-- this morning’s commute (homicidal blood-pressure surges)
-- that goddam cat (hairballs)

19 April 2015

#51402: That's Entertainment (Other Species)


 -- Bllooozer and the Flying Zergs (creature from Planet Kloot)
 -- unnatural relations with a twinkie (Jeff)
 -- rubbing nuts (squirrel)

16 April 2015

#84311: Stress-Free Careers


 -- 3-item list writer
 -- captive ferret
 -- grin reaper

12 April 2015

#57671: Lesser Blues Songs


 -- Them Old Taco Bell Blues
 -- The Salmon-Colored Blues
 -- Dem Drivers Ed Blues

08 April 2015

#37600: Employee of the Month


 -- goddam Ron again
 -- Cheeks, the new squirrel in nut sorting
 -- anyone who will sell me these cupcakes and then look away for ten minutes, no matter what noises they hear

06 April 2015

#33433: More Than Coincidence??


 -- cantaloupe, can't elope
 -- Caddilac, cattle latch
 -- cardboard, crabcake

02 April 2015

#14075: More Tourist Traps (Other Species)


 -- Giant Ball o' Nosehair (Jeff)
 -- The Great Klerrb Barrel (Creature from Planet Kloot)
 -- Hot, Sticky, Pink Hills on the Sidewalk (Ants)

30 March 2015

#9549: Other Steely Dan Football References


 -- "Losin' it again...at Soldier Field"
 -- "Tottenham mamas, you shake it too!"
 -- "Indian-Apliss--they colts!"

28 March 2015

#20000: A Few Items Left in the "Ol' Bag o' Tricks"


 -- shitload of loose 3-item lists
 -- disappearing head illusion
 -- "Charm Torpedo!"

27 March 2015

21 March 2015

#55245: What Wouldn't I Do?


 -- Quit the band, right when we're taking off.
 -- Get off the airplane, right when we're taking off.
 -- Hold that purse, in this dress.

18 March 2015

14 March 2015

#48124: Regrets, I’ve Had a Few…


-- the fannypack phase
-- doing it that other guy’s way
-- telling the policeman, “Your face has the right to remain silient!”

12 March 2015

#85942: Exercises for the Over-Exercised


 -- 30-minute lay-downs
 -- 1 rep of take-a-load-offs
 -- 15 sweat-it-nots

10 March 2015

#19047: Records Not to Set


 -- most consecutive gutterballs
 -- bushiest nosehair
 -- most squirrel bites on your wilson, two seasons running

09 March 2015

#45970: Charting This Week


 -- chapped lips! (up 3 spots to Number 1!)
 -- ennui (this hot import from across the pond debuts at Number 2!)
 -- flatulence (still holding down the Number 3 spot...)

05 March 2015

#94895: My Next Job Should...


 -- Be Closer to My House
 -- Be Easier to Understand
 -- Feature a Regular Open-Mike

04 March 2015

01 March 2015

#30511: Harvey Comics Characters Who Never Got Their Own Series


 -- Crusty, the Hygiene-challenged Ghost
 -- L'il Lecher
 -- Mitchell Middleclass

23 February 2015

#69427: "That's Mr. ____ to You, Pal!"


 -- Mr. Henderson
 -- Pain-in-the-ass Good Samaritan
 -- Starting Quarterback for the St. Louis Rams

19 February 2015

#40107: And Then I Woke Up….(More)


-- Edgar Allan Poe is washing my hair, but wait…that’s not shampoo!
-- startle response startled by more interior startle response
-- the curtain rises and the audience is made up entirely of shrieking tubers
 

18 February 2015

#1666: Cheerful Disasters

 
-- Hurricane Peaches
-- that salmon-colored blazer Dad wore to the wedding
 -- the Hindenburp

13 February 2015

#79576: Still More Collective Nouns


 -- a meta of collective nouns
 -- a dessert cart of poems
 -- a shooby-dooby of blue-footed boobys

#53336: What's the WIFI Password Again?


 -- w1f1
 -- th0s3G0dd4mM0nk3y5
 -- 9 (duh...)

12 February 2015

#18749: Working ____? Or ___ Working?


 -- Week, Weakly
 -- Stiff, Stiffly
 -- the System, Digestive System Not

11 February 2015

#42015: Blurbs from Poets on the Back of My Upcoming Collection, "The Year the Eggs Cracked" (Not)


 -- "J Diego Frey's poetry is better than his singing voice, barely!" -- T.S. Eliot
 -- "What Frey does with a stanza should be illegal in the Midwest!" -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
 -- "J Diego who?" -- Bob Frost

10 February 2015

#19894: More Unpopular Spirit Animals


 -- jellyfish (in fact, most translucent invertbrates)
 -- Jeff
 -- stevia-badger

09 February 2015

06 February 2015

#55403: Stays against Execution (Simple Bodily Functions Category)


-- not taking credit cards with you to the bar
-- agreement w/yourself to not jump out window when “Seasons in the Sun” comes on the radio
-- the “ol’ sphincter clench”

05 February 2015

#73425: Monkeynote Speakers


-- Dr. Zaius (again)
-- Koko’s sign-language teacher
-- guy who drives the banana truck
 

04 February 2015

02 February 2015

#37990: If Loving You Is Wrong…


-- …I don’t wanna get caught at it.
-- …what’s the correct answer then…D) All of the Above?
-- …loving your sister is wronger.

31 January 2015

#42212: Less Popular Sir Mix-a-lot Songs

 
-- “Baby Got Cheap Filp-flops!”
-- “Baby Got Baco-bits!”
-- “Baby Got a Cold Sore! (Uh-Huh, Where?)”

29 January 2015

#68469: The Betting Line for the Rest of the Century

 

-- pigeons + 6 over penguins

-- Richie Rich + 27 over Sackcloth Sal

-- slaps even vs. tickles

26 January 2015

#8001: Descriptions that Stuck with Him


-- "just another clown in poetry's shoes"
-- "dances like a crash-test dummy"
-- "Parker Stevenson-y"

#9119b: What’s for Breakfast, Satan?


-- horribly burnt toast
-- steaming bowl of your own regrets
-- scorn flakes

23 January 2015

20 January 2015

#10558: A Stretch, but I’ll Manage Somehow


-- adulthood
-- waiting until the end of the movie to pee
-- living/working with wolves

18 January 2015

#20922: Clear Indicators


-- glass thumb
-- t-shirt has both the word “mustache” and a picture of a mustache on it
-- velociraptor is smiling
 

14 January 2015

#11215: What Is That Guy in the Background of the Live Video Feed from the City Council Muttering to Himself?


 -- Poetry, shmoetry...let's get to the goddam legislatin'!
 -- Soon, my pets,soon I will let you free to feast on the good citizens of this 'Burg. 
 -- The is the worst open-mike reading in history. 

10 January 2015

#54110: Good Things to Put Off

 
-- checking my messages
-- an effective pheromone
-- people who “don’t appreciate” wanking jokes

08 January 2015

#54221: Wouldn’t Want to Meet, Even in a Well-Lit Alley


-- spiders larger than poodles
-- the Republican-controlled congress
-- Twisty the clown

06 January 2015

04 January 2015

#75115: Breakfast Favorites (Other Species)

 
-- soft, just starting to rot nuts (squirrel)
-- 3-zorb omlette with klerrb and element J212 (creature from Planet Klooot)
-- rye toast, baby heads, coffee (Karl Rove)

03 January 2015

#65462: More Unclaimed Alter-Egos


-- Metermaidman!
-- The Golden Asshole
-- Steve’s creepy cousin, Phillipe

01 January 2015

#27707(f): Classic Book Titles with One Word Replaced by the Word "Eggplant"


 -- The Sound and the Eggplant
 -- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Eggplants
 -- Great Eggsplantations