28 October 2017

#38868: Grateful for (Not Really)


-- That Santa Fe highway on-ramp improvement project that’s still going on after 4.5 years.
-- Really getting to know my digestive system as I get older
-- Electoral College

#2968: Least Memorable Last Words


-- Checkmate! No, wait…
-- I'll have the linguini.
-- Look at what?

#37378: Sportsperson? Or Thing Found in Your Pants?


-- summer-weight boxers
-- "Little Bob" Costas
-- nose guard

#7495: Tea-Time (Other Countries)


-- 7:30PM: Cheese-Pasta and Screen Hour (U.S.)
-- 2:00AM: hunt the florescent freshwater eels and eat them raw (that country I wouldn't do well in)
-- 10:15AM: beer-bongs and bongos (Stevelvania)

#61554: But I Digress…


-- the last 25 years
-- the 15 years before that
-- when I went bowling instead of fighting off the zombies

#58250: Clear and Dangerous Present


-- Leon shows up with 3 unmarked burritos
-- kiss on the lips from a crocodile
-- heart-shaped ziplock bag from Vlad the Inhaler

#49788: Inflatable Love Dolls (Bargain Bin)


-- Naugahyde-Lips Norman
-- Plump-Rump President Trump
-- The Penguin ( classic Batman series)

#31000: Why Can't We All Just Get Along?


-- fear of the unknown
-- fear of how hard it would be to be the first to just get along
-- face it, Steve's a dick

#67943: What I Avoided to Get to Where I Am


-- the boy scouts
-- death
-- term-papers, wherever possible

#53005: Short Vacations in Hell


-- Presidents Day hunting lodge weekend with Zombie Scalia
-- the last 5 red lights before home
-- spa day with Russell

#46091: Shortened Operas


-- La Bohemini
-- The Not-as-Magic Oboe
-- Nixon Gets Chinese Take-out

#43333: Stops along the Way to the Great Middle


-- expectation-lowering seminar
-- counter where they sell bus passes and pop
-- restroom of self-delusion

#63665: Where Is My Mind? (with apologies to The Pixies)


-- lotto fantasy camp
-- inside someone else's pants again
-- the usual empty room with the view of Lake Nothing

#15400: Non-Award-Winning Documentaries about Me (Not Yet Filmed)


-- "Scared Fat!"
-- "Sweet Oatmeal, and Other Uninteresting Fetishes"
-- "Staring Contest with Mediocrity: The J Diego Story"

#63578: When It Stopped Being Funny


-- When Jeff started doing it...
-- Cat stopped smiling, started biting...
-- PocketBucket List #43, probably...

#19251: Alternatives to Happy Ever After


-- Happy every other Wednesday from 5-8 in the evening after
-- Happy after Evan
-- Kind of happy (not really) but not in any obvious pain either ever after

List #45088: First Names of the Unwelcome


-- Hurricane
-- Brent
-- "Leaky" Phil

#6666b: Who ELSE You Gonna Call?


-- Toast-busters!
-- Pot Roast-busters!
-- Donny Most-busters!

#9075: One Small Step for ____, One Giant ____ for ____


-- Manny, Drain-and-Fill Job, Manny's Pool Cleaner
-- Moths, Ineffectual Flapping Motion, Mothkind
-- Moose, Bruise, That Damn Drunk-ass Marmot
#47m: Yes, Even More Literary Collective Nouns
-- a giant shoe of nursery rhymes
-- a panopticon of Rashomon adaptations
-- a leaky backpack of love poems

47l: Yet More Literary Collective Nouns


-- a clusterfuck of critical essays
-- a tiki-bar of hipster poets
-- a mass debate of Onanist philosophers

#47k: Unpublished Dr. Suess Stories (Controversial)


-- The Caribou that Spat at You
-- Too Many Mongolians! Says Mr. Vongolium
-- I Saw 17 Things Through the Hole in the Fence

#47j: Less Popular Parts of the Book


-- drum solo after chapter 8
-- about the author, but it goes on for like, 12 pages
-- tiny light-blue footnotes in Esperanto

#47i: Early Drafts of Famous First Sentences


-- At my last job, everyone called me "I-Bone" because of something that happened on my first day there, but lately I have been going by the slightly more formal name, Ishmael Henderson.
-- Not only was it dark that night, but a storm was just wailing down on us and Countess Liesl was in a really pissy mood.
-- Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia kept burping up the comforting flavor of banana fritters, though he had had no breakfast that morning.

#47h: Under-used POV's


-- second person, once removed
-- omniscient (except can't remember where it left its keys) narrator
-- as told by a tiny wizard who lives in one of the finger holes of the hero's bowling ball

#19963: When I Think of You I…


-- …think of me, thinking of you.
-- …rub against happy memories.
-- …giggle in church

#79399: Cleared for Landing (My Brain's Airport)


-- free-floating anxiety copter
-- ego blimp with a bad leak
-- probably some earwigs

#45531: Unclaimed Catchphrases from a Sitcom I'll Never Star In


-- "Save me a snack cake!"
-- "Beano. Stat!"
-- "There goes the last honest party clown..."

#49910: Other State Secrets Divulged by the President


-- recipe for White House kitchen's amazing ranch dressing (to Kid Rock)
-- penis size (to Merkel, May, etc)
-- first 4 digits of nuclear codes (to spam email form offering free slinky)

#71670: Urologist Slogans to Avoid


-- "Put the jingle back in your tinkle!" (Dr. I. Leftwiz)
-- "He'll never stiff you!" (Dr. J. "Armstrong" Bass)
-- "Catheter got your tongue?" (anon.)

#32489: More Discontinued Costco Items


-- Candied Genoa salami
-- DVD Life of Jesus: Director's Cut
-- olives as big as a baby's fist

#63090: Loose Meat Sandwiches of Infamy


-- Sloppy-Joe's Science Fair project
-- bhan mi with Denise
-- The "pulled pork in public" incident

#60469: M-I-S-S-____-I-S-S-____!

-- A-P-P, O
-- U-S-W-I-L-S-O-N, L-E-E-P-I-N-G-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-G-Y-M-T-E-A-C-H-E-R
-- U-R-P, E-R-R

#51757: Not Moving on Ebay


-- Hitler's enema bag (reproduction)
-- big-wheel with a bent wheel
-- my bowels (Buy It Now!)

#2271: Cage-Free Kung Fu Films


-- Secret of the Herbs and Spices: Return of Col. Yang
-- Enter the Restaurant
-- Chicken-Foot Monk's Revenge

#29158: Bad Adjectives to Find in a Wine Review


-- Nixonian
-- cargopants-ish
-- formadehydey

#62290: More Useful Religious Tracts


-- Prosyletizing about Your Prostate: God Has a Glove On
-- Blessed Are the Meek, My Ass!
-- Here. Use This to Cover that Stain.

#67986: More Worst Triplets Names


-- Zither, Panflute, and Jeff
-- Kim-Jong, Zuckerberg, and Snooki
-- Tom-And-Jerry, Jerold, and Tom

#65951: Worst Pilgrimages


-- taxi to the Cathedral of Sharts
-- el camino del food poisoning
-- journey back in time to see my English teach naked again

#70185: Clowns that Never Got Off the Ground


-- Buffo and his magic chamois
-- Short Adolph
-- Mr. Unprepared

#5263: "I Demand My Writes"


-- epic poem about the oldest Winchells Donuts in SE Denver
-- note excusing me from work forever
-- just one more letter from either of my parents

#73445: Remind Me Again


-- why I chose to wear salmon pants
-- why our species forgot to conquer death
-- why Dave brought so much extra lube

#40056: Picture of Health (More Like a Sketch)

-- aging dictator of Greencouchistan
-- my overweight tabby-Siamese mix cat
-- retirement savings

#68577: A: Katie Couric's Colonoscopy Video


-- Q: What won the hearts of filmgoers at the 1996 Topeka Film Fest?
-- Q: What is the worst name for a nightclub that you can come up with?
-- Q: In what film does the hero quote my poetry?

#68206: "Pick of the Litter"


-- unsquashed powdered donut at the edge of the box
-- colorful advertising flyer featuring smiling face of an attractive Jesus
-- whatever falls from the back of the emperor's motorcycle

#17171: Racist-Sounding Comfort Foods


-- Mexican "pile-up"
-- "crazy" Chinese chicken
-- "fucking Belgian" pizza

#70187: Pirates of Indifference


-- Long Greg Whatever
-- Hesitating Gary
-- Jean-Pierre Fugue State

#67286: Let's Just Take It One ____ at ____ ____


-- Enema, an Angle
-- Tangential Leap, a Squirrel!
-- Epiphany, a Bonghit

#69770: "Stick to the Topic"


-- ponderous pine
-- wet cottonwood
-- Douglas's math teacher fir

#1142: Unwelcome Adjectives in a Review of Your Book


-- flatulent
-- beef-a-roni-esque
-- lard-filled

#1937: Candy Nobody Wants

-- lemonasses
-- sneeromint patty
-- gummi senior citizens

#9662: Reasons to Avoid Tonight's Vegan Special


-- tofurkey not fresh-caught
-- found wok chef's beard-net on counter in men's room
-- comes with mung bean smoothie

#8062: Heavy Metal Blands


-- MAYƖ
-- The Undead Lawrence Welks
-- Beige Satan

#6200: More Literary Collective Nouns

#6200: More Literary Collective Nouns
-- a Nantucket of limericks
-- a landfill of graduate theses
-- a chumbucket of chapbooks

#42619: Still Under the Radar


-- approaching mini-tornado
-- the soothing Central-Kansas song stylings of Resmondo and Doop
-- the breakout literary form of self-referential 3-item lists

#305: Still Too Big on Me

-- the Helmet of Leadership
-- the Eve of Destruction
-- the Freshly Laundered Undershirt of Dave

04 February 2017

#18749: Underheralded Quests


 -- the search for the Roly-Poly Grail
 -- save the princess from the dragon's attorney
 -- dethroning the King of Flatulence

19 January 2017

#42033: Choose Your Weapon

-- silly string, or squirtgun full of grapefruit juice
-- pen, or penis
-- sarcasm, or schmarcasm

#79439: No Longer Popular in the Internet

-- Mike Dukkakis fan site
-- pokes from elderly relatives
-- clever, alphabetically arranged haikus

#19896: Too Figurative to Bail

-- the idea of a bucket
-- a mime's bucket
-- a pocket bucket