24 November 2016

#38861: Odd Things that I’m Actually Quite Grateful for


-- cheap and plentiful rubber bands
-- the sound of my children snoring
-- the 3-item list form

22 November 2016

#1002: If Not ____, Then ____ ?


 -- Butterscotch, When
 -- Here, Why Not
 -- Element J-212, Klerrrb

17 November 2016

#28652: Guilty Pleasures (Other Species)


 -- nut fondling (squirrel)
 -- fondling Uranus (Neptunians)
 -- nut fondling (Jeff)

15 November 2016

#5520: Feels like the Fourth Time


 -- seventh Star Wars movie
 -- first attempt to convince Uncle Doug that the Internet isn't a Soviet plot. 
 -- second trip to lice removal clinic

03 November 2016

#46313: How It Should Have Ended


 -- Batman and Superman get it on, are embarrassed later. 
 -- Forrest Gump elected supreme dictator, fixes health care. 
 -- Citizen Kane escapes down mountain on sled

27 October 2016

#79537: Corrections to Yesterday's List


 -- First item is actually the same as third item.
 -- Used the word "Taint" instead of the word "Trump."
 -- Third item is actually a repeat of first item.

23 October 2016

20 October 2016

#59192: Up Shit ____ without a ____


 -- Alley, Switchblade
 -- Tower, Fire Escape
 -- Mountain, Can of Yeti Repellent

12 October 2016

#41472: Other Things that I'm Ignoring


 -- "goo-goo eyes" from Louise in marketing
 -- tiny senior citizens in sock drawer
 -- X-mas lights spelling out warning

06 October 2016

28 September 2016

#19259: Rejected Mints


 -- Peepermint ("The gum that watches you get dressed!")
 -- Governmint ("Tastes just like congress!")
 -- Spiromint ("Now with 10% more Agnew!")

19 September 2016

#6519: Spreadable at Room Temperature


 -- PocketBucket list writer's easy lack of virtue
 -- rumor about hidden race of super-pigs
 -- Leon

15 September 2016

#44738: More Misheard Lyrics (slightly)


 -- I can't get no Sabbath action…
 -- Rikki don't lose that numb purse…
 -- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, bath mat!

14 September 2016

#59682: Drives a Soft Bargain


 -- Siamese cat of Death
 -- Crazy Tiffany's used car lot
 -- Mister Muffins, the giggly hostage negotiator

30 August 2016

25 July 2016

#10840: Collectibles (Not Yet)


 -- tasteful nudes of Republican presidential candidates
 -- my 8th-grade soccer jersey
 -- second virginity

06 July 2016

#8649: Dance Hits that Missed


 -- The Brigham Young Shuffle
 -- Underarm Funk
 -- (C'mon) Do the Assclench!

30 June 2016

#68075: Prison-Related Reasons to Sell House


 -- unsightly gun-towers
 -- too close to brother-in-law
 -- won't toss our baseball back over the fence

27 June 2016

#74487: Special Sauce (Other Species)


 -- tears of foreign orphans (Dick Cheney)
 -- acorn drool (squirrel)
 -- Miracle-Whip (televangelfetishists)

09 June 2016

#74120: Extra Commandments (Not Used)


 -- Thou shalt not make excessive lip-smacking and other yummy noises.
 -- Honor thy offers.
 -- Quit peeing in the sink.

06 June 2016

#2980: I'd ____ a Mile in His ____


 -- Turkey-trot, Hip-boots
 -- Cringe, Insecurities
 -- Flounce, Bloomers

02 June 2016

#76292: Assorted Surprises after Completely Undressing


 -- third foot but no third leg
 -- tattoo of Vivian Vance on taint
 -- date isn't retching

01 June 2016

#43121: Red Rover, Red Rover, Can ____ ____ ____


 -- Someone Find Dover?
 -- Purple Look Mauver?
 -- Big Bird Bite Grover?

27 May 2016

23 May 2016

19 May 2016

#64020: DWI's Less Successful Cousins


 -- DWM (Driving While Miffed)
 -- DWTSA (Driving While Terrestrial Squids Attack)
 -- DWEETAC (Driving While Entertaining Erotic Thoughts about Coworker)

18 May 2016

#19058: Specialty of the House (Other Houses)


 -- treated rat-skin jacket (Discount Suede)
 -- peaches 'n lard (Pie)
 -- bracing after dinner discussion about Stendahl (Al Gore's)

13 May 2016

#37219: Just Glad to Be Here (Not)


 -- Presidential Debate
 -- rehearsal dinner in Shelob's lair
 -- cannibal thanksgiving

29 April 2016

#21729: Three More Wishes for the Genie


 -- three more wishes
 -- 12-inch pianist
 -- power to make it rain jellybeans

25 April 2016

#13614: Preparations for the Inevitible


 -- get one of those donut-shaped chair pillows
 -- SPF 5800
 -- resignation speech pre-written on back of eylelids

23 April 2016

#60469: M-I-S-S-____-I-S-S-____!


 -- A-P-P, O
 -- U-S-W-I-L-S-O-N, L-E-E-P-I-N-G-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-G-Y-M-T-E-A-C-H-E-R
 -- U-R-P, E-R-R

21 April 2016

#71290: Reasons Not to Invite Dave to the Orgy


 -- hung like a velociraptor
 -- not enough kleenex in the world
 -- always shows up pre-lubed

17 April 2016

#24602: Blues (Deserved)


 -- Got the Lowdown Ineffective Senate Majority Leader Blues
 -- Done Gone Confused the Lube with the Ben-Gay Agin
 -- Another Damn Friday with Ronald

13 April 2016

#57464: More ___ than a ____ of ____


 -- sticky, sweatlodge, Jeffs
 -- questionable, banquet, microwaved meatballs
 -- than a woman, tenor section, disco crooners

12 April 2016

#45202: Permanent Features of Mediocracy


 -- neighbor with lawn gnome fetish
 -- tattoo of Clara Peller on ass
 -- Monument to the Unknown Monument

08 April 2016

28 March 2016

#36131: Less-Well-Defined Protagonists


 -- Professor Somebody
 -- guy whose name is only an ampersand
 -- will of American people

#69481: Future Lost Indo-European Languages


 -- Emoticonskrit
 -- Slurry Sinatra
 -- Robo-Pig Latin

19 March 2016

18 March 2016

#52609: Shameful Colors for Other Letters


-- The Cornflower Blue Q
-- The Lime Green D
-- The Mauve W

29 February 2016

18 February 2016

#44683: Failed Corporate Jargon


 -- synchronize our Tele-Tubbies
 -- wang this over to HR
 -- multi-level cow milking

16 February 2016

#44689: I ____ What I ____ and I ____ What I ____


 -- Meaned/Sayed, Sayed/Meaned
 -- Fed/Feared, Feared/Fed
 -- Groped/Needed, Kneaded/Groped

11 February 2016

#44695: Not So Watery Graves


 -- no-booze, no-caffeine "cleanse"
 -- sarchophagus with spin cycle
 -- the tears of Dick Cheney

26 January 2016

18 January 2016

#44687: Cheers for Fears


 -- Yip-Yip-Yip-Icthyphobia!
 -- Rickety-Rack, Rickety-Bridge, Scared of Heights and Water, Midge!
 -- P, E, S-h-y, You Ain't Got No Alibi! You Pee-Shy! Huh? You Pee-Shy!

14 January 2016

#44680a: Inside Every ____ Is a Tiny ____ Waiting to ____


 -- Ear, Venusian Ear Beetle, Get Approval to Build a Deck
 -- Senator, Senator, Personally Screen the New Interns
 -- Bonsai Tree, Squirrel, Steal Your Nuts

12 January 2016

#44675: More Less Impressive Monuments


 -- Spiro Agnew Memorial Highway Rest Stop
 -- Tomb of the Unknown Swim Trunks
 -- Statue of Lethargy

02 January 2016