29 December 2014

#8433a: Semi-Furnished

 
-- the souls of DMV employees
-- a career plan based on the writing of 3-item lists
-- my pants

27 December 2014

#48813: Southwestern U.S. State License Plate Mottoes (Suggested, by Ultimately Not Used)

 
-- Chiba Stick!...And Lotto! (CO)
-- Go Easy on the Street Tacos. (AZ)
-- Someday…This Will All Be Radioactive Rubble... (NV)

26 December 2014

21 December 2014

#6671b: Early Gershwin Drafts


-- “Summertime and It’s a Livin’ (If You Follow My Meanin’…)”
-- “Rhapsody in Ecru”
-- “An American in a Parisian Restroom”

15 December 2014

#28664: Call It in the Air!


-- “shotgun” on that last parachute
-- direction tornado will take outhouse
-- Freds? Or Gayles?

14 December 2014

#16724: Bands I Have Played in in Dreams


 -- Fred Rumpell and the Escalatiers
 -- TimeTeeth
 -- The Rolling Stones

13 December 2014

#22686: Willing To (Just Not Available To)


-- drive you to airport
-- go the Burning Man with Ernest Hemingway’s skeleton in a suitcase
-- spank naughty strangers

10 December 2014

09 December 2014

#54628b: My Mama Done Tol’ Me (More)


-- Don’t spank you no chickens!
-- Don’t buy you no snuggies!
-- Don’t post you no 3-item lists on social media sites!

08 December 2014

#15072: That Motorcycle Sounds Like


-- my colon an hour after lunch
-- somebody imitating a puma
-- your grandma, when she’s angry

05 December 2014

03 December 2014

#51360: Latest Hip Acronymic Slang (LHAS)

 

-- PUDIP (Pants Unzipped, Dancing in Public)

-- MTHSML (Man-Turtle Hybrid Senate Majority Leader)

-- TSAB (Terrestrial-Squid-Attack Bait)

 

29 November 2014

#49852; Unsympathetic Sneeze Responses


-- “You disgust me with the noises you make and the viscosity of your bodily fluids.”
-- “I hope your nose falls off.”
-- “Bless your worst enemy, and his girlfriend Pam.”

26 November 2014

#71024: Thanksgiving Main Dishes on Other Planets


-- roast Varrj with element J-212 stuffing (Planet Kloot)

-- a soup made from the bone marrow of unhappy welfare recipients (Dick Cheney’s space fortress)

-- methane brownies (Neptune)

 

24 November 2014

#83877: Carry-On Personal Baggage


-- irrational fear of other people’s forearms
-- incipient results of that breakfast burrito
-- certainty that “man was not meant to fly”

21 November 2014

#20993: Wish I Could Change

 
-- where I spend my days
-- what I spend my days doing
-- the pants of God

19 November 2014

#51607:Chalk It All Up To…

 
-- the area’s vast deposits of calcium carbonate
-- the rough outline of the deceased
-- Leon

17 November 2014

13 November 2014

10 November 2014

05 November 2014

#25902: More Defeated Amendments


-- Amendment 802-2012: The “Let’s Just Give It All Back to the Insects” Amendment
-- Amendment 4002-2002: The “Anyone Else Have a Problem with That?” Amendment
-- Amendment 30-2013: The “I Just Want to Crawl Off Somewhere and Sob Openly about How Much I Miss My Mom’s Pot Roast” Amendment

04 November 2014

#50718: Down by the River (One Week Earlier)


-- I shot a mannequin dressed to look like my baby.

-- I cooled my tootsies in the clean running water.

-- I picked up scattered bits of mannequin.

03 November 2014

#37552: Yet More Discontinued Clowns (Taken Off the Market Due to Complaints from Consumer Groups)


-- Senator Scabs  (The Clown with Hygiene Problems)
-- Curdles the Clown  (The Clown with the Sour Milk Smell)
-- Bubonic Joe

31 October 2014

#1031b: Increasingly Less-Popular Halloween Costumes [Inside Joke Category]

 

-- “That time Dave’s cat crapped in my shoe”

-- “More like…Wolfgang Schmuck!”

-- “The thing with the banana tacos...you know...in Ensenada? Remember?"

24 October 2014

#37551: More Discontinued Clowns (Taken Off the Market Due to Complaints from Angry Moms)


-- Sweary Larry (The Potty-Mouthed Clown)

-- Grabbo (The Clown who Can’t Keep His Hands to Himself)

-- Heisenboing

#19174: Cartoon-Character Tattoos


-- Betty Worth on the left butt cheek
-- Bill the Cat on face
-- SpongeBob and your nipples are his eyes

21 October 2014

#50112: More Bad Advice


-- The answer, my friend, is “more Jagermeister.”
-- Laugh at the funny policeman’s shocky phone!
-- Stay sweet.

18 October 2014

#81632: Surprisingly Effective “Talking Cures”


-- applied utilization of choice expletives
-- the 6-minute groan
-- repeatedly saying “Nobody has to die tonight” through your clenched teeth on the drive home from work

16 October 2014

#2526b: More Superheroes that I Believe Actually Exist


-- Captain Squishy  (“Protecting the world from an excess of sour-cream and onion potato chips!”)

-- The Kvetch  (“Able to alter history through the power of his complaining!”)

-- Halitosio!

15 October 2014

#5121: "I'll Be _____ for My Own _____"


 -- Late, Circumcision
 -- Groggy, Audience with the Pope
 -- Awake, Funeral

11 October 2014

#41854: Is That Even Possible?


-- Time Travel (maybe)
-- Lime Travel (yes)
-- Mime Travel (yes, but not advisable)

09 October 2014

08 October 2014

05 October 2014

03 October 2014

#71153: More Difficult Deliveries

 
-- 15 kegs of Schlitz to Everest base camp
-- keynote speech at National Laser Pointer Enthusiasts Association banquet
-- station wagon full of free-range lobsters

02 October 2014

#70045: Non-Pisa Leaning Towers


 -- The Leaning Tower of Un-Lived-Up-To Potential 
 -- The Leaning Tower of Flapjacks
 -- The Leaning Tower of Dennis, Ever Since the Operation

28 September 2014

#83901: Under-Used First Dance Songs


 -- "Last Dance" (Donna Summer)
 -- "Theme from Hill Street Blues"
 -- "Backdoor Man"

26 September 2014

#47777: Could Work (Just Crazy Enough…)

 

-- The “Espresso and Styrofoam Peanuts” Diet

-- Licking batteries to make yourself temporarily smarter

-- Dressing up like Ben Franklin/bluffing way in


25 September 2014

#84322: Lesser Tri-City Areas


 -- Nowhere, Dirt, and Sorrow's Ranch, ND
 -- Swink, Swank, and Swunk, CO
 -- Nixon, Little Nixon, Jeff's "Little Nixon", NV

18 September 2014

16 September 2014

#54221: That Which I Don't _____ Could Fill a _____


 -- floss, billiard ball
 -- see naked (but want to), large concert venue
 -- accomplish each day, gunnysack o' guilt

15 September 2014

13 September 2014

#66210: What They're Smearing All Over Themselves


 -- a paste made of dates and goat cheese
 -- Sylvia
 -- blame for lackluster economy

11 September 2014

#78400: Otherwise, No


 -- It's not turkey bacon is it?
 -- Can I at least wear my lucky hat?
 -- Jesus loves me, right?

10 September 2014

#43180: More Cardinal Rules


 -- Never call the bishop "Shorty."
 -- Hats stay ON in the restroom.
 -- No "polishing the relic."

08 September 2014

#2915b: On the Other Hand


 -- the other glove
 -- temporary tattoo from Chuck E. Cheese
 -- sticky black stuff

07 September 2014

#88338: Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo (Also)

 -- Syracuse buffalo
 -- the health inspector
 -- themselves, late at night

03 September 2014

#80821: Bendy Straw Polls

 -- Gumby vs. Pokey (1970)
 -- show of hands at the Boneless Congress
 -- House vote on "who dealt it"

02 September 2014

#33608: Near-Life Experiences

 -- staff meeting

 -- buying things in malls using gift-cards

 -- second date with Louise

31 August 2014

#5562c: Encounters in Extra-Dimensional Time

 -- dude at party has same birthday as you
 -- your spouse tells you several anecdotes that you've heard before
 -- a lecture from Ranger Tweed

30 August 2014

#75854: Inappropriate Wedding Toast Subjects


 -- regicide
 -- college experiments with the transvestite sorority
 -- flatuence

26 August 2014

#63097: Some Winners from this Year's Monotony Awards


 -- plain rice cakes (Crunchy Snack category)

 -- Dave's job (Best New Purgatorial Environment)

 -- Dave's masturbation habits (Lifetime Achievement Award)


25 August 2014

#41886: Helium Is to Balloon as...


 -- Vicodin is to Monday morning.
 -- Plushies are to a convention of Japanese dentists
 -- Compliments are to a poet

17 August 2014

#24421: Tourist Traps (Other Planets)

-- Neptune's methane beaches!
-- the Cave of No Return on Naked Singularity 65008A
-- LunaDisneyland

#77123: More Failed Movie Theater Candies

-- Good 'n' Sweatys
-- Giant popcorn hats
-- Junior Blints

#2230: Muscles (Less-Used)

-- deltacoids
--anterior harriet
-- empathiceps 

#5309b: Mammals Who Have Successfully Run for President

-- Bronco Bama
-- Hairy Truman
-- the Great White Eisenhower

#50155: Favorite Suggestions Given to Me from the Fifth Grade at Mieklejohn Elementary for Words that Rhyme with Nougat


-- Gogurt
-- Snoogat
-- Fugitive

List #64000: Things Besides CO Amendment 64 that the Feds Should Crack Down On


-- tailgating
-- putting shrimp in my hot and sour soup
-- styrofoam peanuts

List #121212a: Things Everyone Should Have a Dozen Of


-- friends who make you laugh
-- days off
-- comfortable pairs of underpants

#5221a: Mayan Apocalypse-Era Holiday Songs


-- "Grandma Got Run Over by a Stampeding Crowd of Walmart Shoppers"
-- "I Saw Uncle Steve Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "Dreidel, Shmeidel. Get Me a Beer"

#122112b: It's the End of the World as We Know It and I Feel ____


-- Strangely Unfulfilled
-- Some Kind of Elongated Rodent (a Ferret, Perhaps) in My Sleeping Bag
-- Fine-ish

#27707(a): Classic Rock Songs (or Album Titles) with One Word Replaced by the Word “Eggplant”


-- The Dark Side of the Eggplant
-- A Whiter Shade of Eggplant
-- Jumpin' Jack Eggplant

#21113: Sure-to-Be-Ignored Nominations to Replace that Pope What Up and Quit


-- Daffy Duck
-- Barney Frank
-- can of cheez-wiz

#20647: Reasons Why They Just Can’t Seem to Get It Right


-- Sun and/or Moon was in their eyes.
-- Pope made too many last-minute demands.
-- Soup-making an “inexact” science.

#34980: Kitties of Industry!


-- The Persian Plutocrat
-- Siamese dock workers
-- Tabby bartenders

#13266: Pope Names Considered but Ultimately Rejected by Francis I


-- Pope Sammy II
-- Pope Crazyman Lupe Vargas I
-- Pope Alope V

#59555: Words Shakespeare Did NOT Introduce into the English Language


-- ginormous
-- bootylicious
-- NASDAQ

#861: Alliterative Activities (Less Liked)


-- dumpster dancing
-- porcupine proctologizing
-- congressman cuddling

#15127: Choose A Side


-- shirts or skins
-- skorts or culottes
-- Berts or Ernies

#76164: More Rhymes for “Spiro Agnew”


-- “hero bag Jew”
-- “zero-mag shoe”
-- “Nero's nag glue”

#77441: Spending the Change On


-- donation to fund for two-headed kitten
-- tip for the nice burrito lady
-- steroid-enhanced breath mints

#48432: Bigger Problem than Pocket Lint


-- pocket llama
-- pocket lobster
-- pocket Lester

#32484: Patriotic Gestures (Other Planets)


-- releasing flock of Flerrbs (Planet Klooot)
-- flatulizing the national anthem (Neptune and Uranus)
-- painting your geezbor red, white, blue, and zeep (Western Florida)

#81217: Whence My Headache


-- surfin' Facebook on my phone screen
-- flourescent lights, cheap pizza
-- that ol' existential angst

#12209: Kim Jong Un's other best pals


-- Miniature Dennis Rodman
-- Buffles the Panda
-- taxidermied dad

#42014c: Yet Still More Recent JDiego Failures


-- Ignored the warning label on that bottle of tequila. 
-- Ignored the erotic content of that passing comment. 
-- Thought too hard about this pocketbucket list.

#1462b: Less Popular Team Mascots


-- the Tempe Urology College “Fighting Dribbler”
-- the University of Oregon at Coos Bay “Giant Coos Beast”
-- the HamHung Campus of Kim Jong Un Military Academy “Happy Ham Hanger”

#7509: 3 More Underappreciated Obsessive Behaviors


-- constantly checking the “trapdoor flap” on your union suit
-- impulse to speak out loud the word that most closely sounds like the noise your body just made
-- spanking cats

13 August 2014

#12962: Lesser-Used but Still Valid Prejudices


-- hatred of Smurfs

-- preference for extra-crispy bacon

-- left-handed masturbation

10 August 2014

#62: Just How Dumb Do You Think I Am??!

 

-- real dumb

-- even dumber still

-- dumber than a dead and taxidermied dumb guy

24 July 2014

#42014b: Some More Recent Failures on the Part of JDiego

 

 -- Still unable to let go of you-know-what. 

 -- Still unable to let go of you-know-where. 

 -- Microwaved his lunch, twice. 

22 July 2014

#32014a: More of JDiego's Failures in the Past 12 Months


 -- Didn't buy low. 

 -- Didn't sell high. 

 -- Stared too long at Kardashian selfie. 

09 January 2014

#1462b: Less Popular Team Mascots


-- the Tempe Urology College “Fighting Dribbler”

-- the University of Oregon at Coos Bay “Giant Coos Beast”

-- the HamHung Campus of Kim Jong Un Military Academy “Happy Ham Hanger”

01 January 2014

#7898d: Impossible New Year’s Resolutions

 

-- Determine what the fox says.

-- Reverse the Earth’s rotational direction with goal of turning back time and thus avoiding my date in the Eighties with that foreign exchange student who spent all of dinner sneering at me and then later told everyone it was that night she had decided to become a lesbian.

-- Cut back on the breakfast burritos.