31 December 2012

#7990a: New Year's Resolutions (Other Species)


-- work out more and don't think about nuts so much (squirrel)
-- make more of an effort to stand out from the crowd (phytoplankton)
-- get more klerrrb and element J212 in my diet (creature from Planet Krooot)

30 November 2012

#6677b: More Poems Whose Title Is Longer

“the next time i see that stinking giraffe, i’m going to tell him to blow his this out of his that” (e.e. cummings)

“Text of Jingoistic Bumper-Sticker Read through the Oddly-Shaped Eyes of a Plasticene Chicken Mask as I Walked behind a Slow-Moving Ford Pickup for an Hour and a Half Yesterday during the Macy’s Parade Traffic in Downtown New York--1959” (Wallace Stevens)

“Naked Photographs of Me Taken at a Time when I Was Just Glad to Be Naked and Not Feeling the Shame that so Besets Primates and Episcopalians” (Walt Whitman)

21 November 2012

#566608: Poems Whose Titles Are Longer


-- “Listing the Two Things that I Ate for Breakfast that Morning before Walking Out to Clear My Apple Orchard of Wolverines” (Robert Frost)
-- “Do You Like to Go Fast or Slow when the Ground is Covered with Newly Fallen Snow?” (Emily Dickinson)
-- “Staring Contest between Me and My Alter Ego, Scarface McGraw, Results Therefrom” (Alfred Lord Tennyson)

19 November 2012

#7788: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, but You Can Never ________ (other hotels)

-- Really Know whether You Accidentally Voted for Pat Buchanan (Hotel Tallahasee)
-- Get a Decent Espresso to Go (Hotel East Nebraska)
-- Eat Enough Cheetos (Hotel Colorado)

01 November 2012

#84522: Exclusive Cliques I Have Yet to Join


-- The Waistband/Armpit Club
-- Guys Who Drink Raw Eggs from a Glass
-- Bull and Scones

26 October 2012

#5355: Ways in Which We "Shoot Ourselves in the Foot"

-- with a "gun"
-- through "self-destructive tendencies"
-- with "that spear-gun" that "we were sure was just a stage prop!"

17 October 2012

#36921: Rest-Stops (Famous, but for the Wrong Reasons)


-- That one they blew up in that movie starring that one guy.
-- The one near the Newark airport that always smells like asparagus.
-- The Donner party.

09 October 2012

#7802: Songs I'd Like Them to Play at My Funeral (But They Probably Won't)

-- "Already Gone" by the Eagles
-- "Morning After" (from the soundtrack of "The Poseidon Adventure")
-- "C Is for Cookie"

02 October 2012

#41220: Planets Not Worth Exploring

 -- The Planet of No Parking
 -- anything orbiting Muzak star system
 -- Halitosis V

14 September 2012

#260: Dr. Suess Place Names


-- the Zweiback Motel
-- the Jungle of Nool
-- Ma-Fotta-Ma-Potta-Fa-Pell

06 September 2012

31 August 2012

#3845: Over Time Wins


-- water over stone
-- money over common sense
-- homeboy's belly over those pants

15 August 2012

#41: Things that There Are More than 40 Of

-- minutes in an hour
-- Junior Mints in a box of 42 or more Junior Mints
-- PocketBucket Lists

13 August 2012

#50309: Fundraisers to Avoid

-- Dick Cheney's spare organ drive
-- Chernobyl Radioactive Zombies "Fun-Run"
-- silent auction at St. Itchy's School for the Incurably Lice-Ridden

24 July 2012

#2702b: Nolympic Sports

 -- Ice Pole-dancing
 -- The Freyathalon
 -- Grece-Roman-Russian Dressing Wrestling

07 July 2012

#9107: Inappropriate "Tramp-stamp" Tattoo Messages

-- your AARP membership number
-- "Thanks for everything, Sister John-Marie!"
-- "Do you want fries with that?"

04 July 2012

#6436: My ____ Is ____ (Which Is Not ___)

   -- Dentist, Present, a Present
   -- Indigestion, It's Own Voting Bloc, Democratic
   -- Date, a Reptile, a Ticket to Cuddly-Time

30 June 2012

#15422: Protest Songs I Have Yet to Record

   -- "Stuck in Suburbia with Che Guevara's  Lawnmower"
   -- "Middle-Aged Magic Eightball"
   -- "Big Revolution (In My Pants)"

28 June 2012

23 June 2012

30 May 2012

#43090: Night School Easy A's

-- Pokemon for Grownups
-- Sleeping with the Spanish Teacher: Level 2
-- Beer Appreciation

26 May 2012

#50921: The Shortest Distance between Two ____ Is a Straight ____

-- Wasted Evenings, -to-Video Van Damme Movie
-- Epic Hangovers, Mug of Tequila
-- Sweeney Todd Musical Numbers, Razor

24 May 2012

#832: The Noble Squid! Symbol of…

-- handshakes/handshakery
-- winning charm
-- things that would gladly eat you given the chance and excuse to

21 May 2012

#7: Phobias (High Pathetic Quotient)

--Autoroomiphobia: fear of going into the garage
--Askatacophobia: fear of ordering in Spanish in a Mexican restaurant
--Gloopaphobia: fear of being naked in pudding"

16 May 2012

#444b: More You're Getting Warmer

-- flames>>>old flames
-- lunch>>>3-martini lunch
-- memories>>>memory foam

15 May 2012

11 May 2012

#60162: Cartoon Characters that Irritate the Republican Members of Congress

-- Contraceptive Spongebob
-- "Frieda" Flintstone
-- Clifford, the Big Red Dog who Helps Poor Children Receive Adequate Health Care

09 May 2012

#8411: Cable Channels You Don't Get

-- The Future Channel (Now with Stock Prices!)
-- Igneous! (Geology...after dark...)
-- What Your Neighbors Really Say About You Channel (WYNRSAY)

01 May 2012

#93230: Unclaimed IKEA Product Names

 -- Fnurrgsluf
 -- Cootboot (with an umlaut or two)
 -- Stimmisak

30 April 2012

#239: A Few Remaining Bugs in the Ol' System

-- Still too easily swayed by the opinion of anyone wearing a kilt.
-- Fear of conflict.
-- Drool sometimes.

25 April 2012

#45121: Cards for Lesser Celebrations

 -- Thanks for the Back Waxing!
 -- National Podiatry Day Greetings!
 -- Happy Birthday of the Guy who Invented Telemarketing!

23 April 2012

#8409: Starve a ____, Feed a _____

 -- cannibal, carnivorous jungle plant
 -- nationwide economic recovery, snickering group of ultra-wealthy conservative tax-cheats
 -- cat, growing paranoia that someone is planning to kill and eat you the next time you fall asleep

11 April 2012

#33300: Three _____ and You're Out!

-- strikes (or streaking incidents)
-- Long Island ice teas
-- taunts directed at James Bond about how stupid his ejector seat button looks

01 April 2012

26 March 2012

#21821: Places the Sun Doesn't Shine

-- Marianas Trench
-- Dick Cheney's pink bedroom
-- The dark side of the moon

08 March 2012

#51122: No Clear Memory of How It Started

-- the cargo-pants fetish
-- the precipitous decline in my sex appeal
-- the second Wayne's World movie

#71190: Reasons Why Not (No Longer Accepted)


-- "Because I love you too much."
-- "Because Jerry Springer wouldn't approve."
-- "Because it's time for my sponge-bath."

#6115: Change Your Perspective


-- Wear your watch on the other wrist.
-- Join a cult. (But one that allows booze...no reason to go overboard.)
-- Watch Peanuts specials dubbed into Korean.

#6119: Words that Have a Dog and a Cat in Them


-- Beaglepuss
-- Tigerpug
-- Leopardoodle

#80710: More Niche Talk Shows


-- "Lawnchair Philosophers"
-- "Speaking with Fake German Accents, with 'Gunther'"
-- "It's Not Always about You, Janice"

07 March 2012

#15200: Would Rather Not

-- Line-dance at this bar mitzvah.
-- Get there on time all the time.
-- Meet the porcupine-proctologist hybrid.

03 March 2012

28 February 2012

#3929: The Truth Is!…(No It's Not)

-- All the buildings in Berlin are made out of marzipan!
-- Rosebud is a goat!
-- You can't handle the truth! (Yes you can.)

25 February 2012

#22626: Three Cheers for the Home Team


-- F...R...I...G... Who's gonna chill some beers for me?!
-- Go dishwasher! Wash like a m*f*! Go, go!
-- Coffee maker, coffee maker--take those coffee beans and wake her!

24 February 2012

#46813: More Tubular Rodents


-- the schloongraat (Sweden, probably needs an umlaut or two)
-- the capsulebara (Amazon, rainforest that is)
-- former US Sen. Rick Santorum (Pennsylvania)

23 February 2012

#20061: Less Expensive Villains for Low-Budget Superheroes

--Angry sweaty motorcycle guys wearing plastic bags
--"Dr. Pig-Out"
--Christopher Walken impersonator

06 February 2012

02 February 2012

#4511: Particle Phonics


-- Brazilian micro-dipthong
-- neutrine O sound
-- Anglo-Saxon spit-take

01 February 2012

#51541: Turf Wars (Outcome Already Decided)


-- Astro v. Dino
-- Surf and v. and Shake
-- Toe v. Smurf

#75214: Resident "Experts"


--loudmouth who boards the bus at Cobb St.
--Henry effing Kissinger
--God's know-it-all brother, Glen

#7757: More Phony Books


-- alpha listing of disgruntled elves
-- same for reliable stock tips
-- same for cats who don't owe somebody moneyy

#5005: Loops (Less than Infinite)


--feedback from acoustic ukulele
--the old mall
--froot

#23098: International Hairstyles I Have Yet to Attempt


--The Ol' Slash-and-Burn (Venezuela)
--El Mysterioso (Mexico)
--"Tigers Dancing in the Rain" (Bhutan)

28 January 2012

#5881: Self-Guided Tours

--lump-check on "the boys"
--late night inventory of character flaws
--journey to the bottom of the Cheetos bag

23 January 2012

#1225c: Xmas Traditions for Cats


--peeing on the gingerbread house
--clawing Santa Claus
--catnip-nog

#64210: Parallel Universe Grateful Dead Concerts

-- Drums, Space, and Sauerkraut
-- Drums, Space, and Debbie
-- Drums, Space, and Carl Sagan's colonoscopy video

#60201: Rejected Band Names (Too Pynchon-esque)

- Bombastic A-Hole
- Process 37-D
- The Wasted References

#19605: The Other Answer, My Friend...

- Is Growing on Your Shin
- Is Nothing More than Gin
- Is Glowing in Berlin

#25002: Secret Santa (Other Countries)

- L'invisible Monique (France)
- Stoompa Clug (Sweden)
- Dead Uncle (Haiti)

#4009: Other Things I Have Sired


--neighborhood flu outbreak
--nascent political movement to stop singing "Happy Birthday to You" and sing Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song instead
--desire to put me in my place

#8121b: Automotive Terms that Make Me Giggle Nervously


--stick shift
--cam shaft
--Lubemaster

#44221: Coochie-Coochie! (Different Tenses)


--Coochied-Coochied! (past)
--Will have Coochied-Will have Coochied! (furture perfect)
--Coochied've-Coochied've (subjunctive)

#53391: More Hostile Questions from the Poetry Reading Q&A


--Dude, how can you take yourself seriously as a man?
--What's the deal with all the images of Winston Churchill naked?
--You know what else rhymes with poet?

#7210: Bank Holidays (Other Banks)


--Vodka Delivery Day (Memory)
--St. Styptic's Day (Blood)
--Picturing Winston Churchill Naked Day (Sperm)

08 January 2012

06 January 2012

05 January 2012

#249: Other Languages Spoken

-- Spanish, but the lisping kind
-- Guinea Pig
-- Hand-Jive

#53520: More Identity Questions

-- What if you're a gay man who is really a lesbian?
-- What if you're a squirrel who is actually a congressman?
-- What is you're a taco who is actually an ice-cream taco?

#MXMVII: Rejected Roman Numerals


-- F
-- U
-- @

#3428: Ones "That Got Away"


-- post-graduate education
-- chance to live in Bonobo-themed commune
-- the last cupcake

#45203: Monsters I Could See Myself Dating


-- the Minotaur
-- Grendel's mom
-- Cher