29 December 2011

#4404: Papa Needs a New Pair of...

- P's!
- Viagra smoothies!
- zombie henchmen!

#19092: Things That Are NOT Tearing the Country Apart

- velcro
- sentient robots that look like teddy bears
- sherbet vs. sorbet

#72701: More Lesser-Used Acronyms


- FLOONT (Free Librarian Orgy on Next Tuesday)
- BOJUGSU (Butt of Jokes until Gary Shows Up)
- PANTS (Please Acquire New Trousers, Sailor)

#5399: Sports that Deserve Another Chance


- ice pantsing
- mud chess
- kitty-litter volleyball

#25666: Xmas Presents of the Damned


- sandpaper socks and underwear
- "build-a-brick"
- Santa's sputum

#17705: Less-Remembered Vice Presidents


- Leonard Jones
- Mr. Tremendous (war-time appointment)
- Socks the cat (temporary mixup in White House paperwork)

#6092: ____ Goes In Like a Lamb and Goes Out Like a _____

-- Kifta, Lunch
-- This Cloning Sample, Lamb
-- Leon, Leon

27 December 2011

24 December 2011

#1224: All I Want for Xmas Is My Two ____

-- -speed shiatsu massaging deskchair with deep-tissue butt action
-- minutes back from having to read this goddam pocketbucket list
-- tuba serenade

23 December 2011

21 December 2011

#74098: Talk Shows (Squirrel)

-- "About My Nuts"
-- "Chik and Seeeech with Tsip-Tsip"
-- "Those Fucking Bluejays"

17 December 2011

14 December 2011

#12250: Xmas Songs That Are Sort of Embarrassing to Sing

-- "I Saw Grandpa Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "All I Want for Christmas Is for You Guys to Give Me Back My Pants"
-- "Silver Belch"

13 December 2011

#7409: I've Been through the _____ on a _____ with No Name

-- anchorwoman's colon, hellish camera expedition
-- initiation ritual for your "social club," goat
-- donut hole, tiny horse

12 December 2011

#19890: Past Thanksgivings' "Moments of Grace"

-- Leon does a gravy shooter.
-- How the cranberries slid with an audible sigh out of the
can and retained the shape of the can.
-- "Giggletummy" with Uncle Chester.

09 December 2011

#9702: Whence the Pain in My Neck

-- Slept around the cat last night
-- Pain in my ass on vacation
-- Constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Sarah Palin is hunting me from the air

08 December 2011

05 December 2011

#3038: And Then I Woke Up

-- Realized I was dreaming and that the sign said
"women's locker room."
-- Teddy Roosevelt smiles and unhooks his brassiere.
-- Room starts filling with light and I am crying and the
dolphins…

02 December 2011

#45009: Now Playing

-- that one other song by Starland Vocal Band
-- cats on stairs after midnight
-- funny video where a chipmunk bites a guy on the nuts

29 November 2011

#18002: Musicals That Should Get Made

-- Chasing Cher with a Stick!
-- North Korea: A Love Story
-- Cats 2: Hairballs!

26 November 2011

#8451: Fools Rush In

-- to clearance sales at the meat store
-- to the Donner Party reunion
-- to the big fool's gold discovery outside of town

23 November 2011

#49812: What I Do when I'm in My "Secret Identity"

-- travel through the space-time continuum to a singles
bar in 70s Cleveland
-- drink water from the toilet like my dog
-- save the universe with irony

20 November 2011

#7533: Less Popular Cocktail Garnishes

-- chilled crucifix
-- a lock of the the bartenders armpit hair
-- ostrich phlegm

09 November 2011

#1403: Committees to Avoid

-- the self-punishment committee
-- the "who keeps clogging the crapper?" committee
-- the committee sub-committee

28 October 2011

#5128: Remember to Shut

-- the door in the face of the reanimated corpse of your wife's boyfriend
-- your cakehole, from time to time
-- the curtains before you do your whole "Risky Business" dance number

21 October 2011

12 October 2011

#7540: You're Next in Line...! (Bad Lines)

-- ...to be licked by the cannibal king's food taster
-- ...for periodontal surgery
-- ...for a sharp punch in the gut from Mike

03 October 2011

#6033: By the Time I Get to ____, She Will Be ____

-- Vegas, discovering that the cashbox is sort of dented
-- San Diego, still laughing at how lame my attempt to break into the cashbox was
-- Ensenada, not laughing quite so hard when she realizes that her hubcaps are missing

19 September 2011

#740: Rumored Trades

--abstinence for non-abstinence
--steady job for dream of pursuing career as writer of 3-item lists
--consciousness for unconsciousness

12 September 2011

09 September 2011

#12515: Wait…Is That?…

--The midget from that TV show?
--That Canadian girl you met at camp?
--Mom? In this underwear catalog?

05 September 2011

#15515: In ____ We Trust (Other Currencies)

--frosting (The Duchy of Pastrynia)
--nuts (squirrel)
--Steverino (The Planet Steve)

03 September 2011

30 August 2011

#21541b: My Mama Done Tol' Me… (also)

--Don't eat you no ho-hos.
--Don't rent you no Dutch porn.
--Don't take you no ninth wife.

29 August 2011

#21541: My Mama Done Tol' Me…

--Don't drink you no lattes.
--Don't bet on a horse with 5 legs.
--Put that thing away.

25 August 2011

#805b: Personal Challenges

--doing the "right" thing
--making the "right" frosting
--playing the "right" flugelhorn note

24 August 2011

#3247: Not-Yet-Copyrighted Orgasm Catchphrases

--"Annnnd...that's ONE more silver dollar!
--"HELLO, Boise!!
--"POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN!"

22 August 2011

#3133: Didn't Get into the School of Hard Knocks

--School of Soft Taps
--School of Fleeting but Unpleasant Smells
--School of Hard Cheese

18 August 2011

#473: Lacking Paris, We Will Always Instead Have

--French club (junior year)
--crinkle-cut French fries
--Jacques Costeau impersonators

11 August 2011

08 August 2011

#9944:Personal Defeat as Expressed by Movie Titles

--"Give Up Hard"
--"The Man Who Wasn't Successful and Just Didn’t Care
--"Give Up Hard 2: Give Up Harder"

05 August 2011

#7500: New Scenes Added to Wizard of Oz Director's Cut

--Dorothy voice-over during tornado
--part where tin man kills a guy
--sub-plot involving group of bumbling German tourists

04 August 2011

#1715: Spearmint Mistakes

--Pam C., from across the street
--crème de menthe shooters
--Colgate lube

02 August 2011

29 July 2011

#45111: Trust Issues (Squirrel)

--Has to always sit on the highest branch.
--Doesn't believe that other squirrels like his tail.
--That looks like my nut.

27 July 2011

#7808: Sport for Crows

[for C. Ransick]

--crowball
--beak dancing
--the marital difficulties of other crows

26 July 2011

#1254: Why We Worship the Donut

--Circle (the eternal symbol).
--Goes great with coffee.
--They're sometimes "raised."

22 July 2011

#45: Reasons to Cheer Up

--the opposite sex
--monkeys (the funny ones, not the scary ones)
--BLTs

09 July 2011

#4114: VEN DIAGRAM SUBJECTS

--M's allegies, N's body sprays
--sexual preferences of primates, coworkers
--your art projects, thrift store donations

08 July 2011

#3727: ONLY TWO LEFT

--states of consciousness
--undented commandments
--wealthy poets

07 July 2011

#80953: FREAK FLAGS (Under-Appreciated)

--obsession with crossword puzzles
--stretchy waistband pants
--grapefruit-flavored soda

17 June 2011

#7121b: DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME EITHER

--funny, smart, "good kid" who didn't get detention because I was so busy trying to please the adults that I missed a lot of great opportunities to do drugs and steal stuff
--flossing
--egg-salad sandwich that you put in fridge at work last week

08 June 2011

#4595: DERELICTION OF DUTIES

--either peed in sink or allowed someone else to
--ate all the chips
--ignored pre-existing treaties with Portugal

03 June 2011

#7743: INEVITIBLY

--the battery runs out
--the mailman wakes up too soon
--Denise makes a big deal about the corpse

31 May 2011

#214: WANT MORE OF

--delerious laughter
--that noise you make that sounds like purring
--See's candy

24 May 2011

#2521: SPYING FOR ANOTHER SPECIES

--"Rover" Torkelson (actually a dog)
--Herb A. Horseflesh (actually a large dog)
--"Spuds" MacKenzie (actually a Republican)

20 May 2011

#1983: E T PHONE (In Addition to Home)

--your chiropractor
--Dennis, about covering his shift on Thursday
--1-800-INSURANCE

18 May 2011

#70821a: SMALLER URBAN CENTER CIVIC ANTHEMS: Eastern Colorado

--"Why Not Niwot?" by Raja Wehlk
--"I've Got a Crush on Brush" by unknown
--"Swink! (Swank, Swunk.)" by Burt Bacharach

17 May 2011

03 May 2011

#1505: SCANNED OBJECTS

--word processed document
--potential sex partners at JC Penneys
--email from Leon

29 April 2011

#5296: THE ONLY WAY "SOME" PEOPLE CAN "EXPRESS" THEMSELVES

thanx SOBO
--my rainbow afro wig
--my tongue-depressor cityscapes
--"Concerto for Breast Pump, In D"

26 April 2011

#8220: TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!

--toficken
--whatever's in these frozen tacos
--"Smells Like Chicken", by Calvin Klein

22 April 2011

#3359: More Collective Nouns

--a conspiracy of paranoids
--an infiltration of nose hair
--a clown-car of poets

19 April 2011

#7404: WHO ISN'T A WANKER?

--Doug Wanker (that is, after the incident with the goat at the Wanker Family Reunion in '97)
--the goat
--actually, most goats

12 April 2011

#117: I AM KNOWN BY MANY NAMES

[with assistance from DKF]
--The Weasel Freezer
--Captain Eleven-Thirty
--Jeffrey Condiments

11 April 2011

#45633: REARRANGEMENTS THAT MAKE THE WORLD KOOKIER

--Bert of Parrot-Ice
--tiger-striped people running for public office
--cubic feet, round shoes

07 April 2011

21 March 2011

#3984: WHO'S COUNTING, ANYWAY?

--Irving. Maybe his older brother too.
--the "All-Counting" clicky thing
--Fuck it...most people.

16 March 2011

#6851: MORE FOODS TO AVOID

--angel-dusted donut holes
--"Spare the Hot Fat, Spoil the French Fries" brand frozen French fries
--the living flesh of your co-workers

09 March 2011

#460: DESSERT OPTIONS ON THE SUMMIT OF MT. EVEREST

(list by LS,PSM,L and EM,JDF @SOBO)

--gore-tex
--that dead Belgian's chocolate bars
--sno-cone

07 March 2011

#2109: "ZESTY" ITEMS

--lemons
--certain flavors of Doritos
--Lemon Pledge (not in Europe)

03 March 2011

#4423: LIFESTYLE TIPS FOR NOT CALLING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF

--Dress in the colors of earth and sand.
--No hats with horns.
--Scream only when others are screaming.

02 March 2011

24 February 2011

23 February 2011

#6080: SPARE THE ___, SPOIL THE ___

--hot fat, french fries
--caulk, basement "rumpus" room
--sinners, apocalypse

18 February 2011

#2856: Rejected Ideas for New Disneyland Rides

(from out far-flung correspondents)

--Autopiabahn
--Pirates of Somalia
--Soarin' over Cairo

26 January 2011

#888: CIVIC DUTIES (Fun!)

--exciting the librarians
--packing the mayor's afternoon bowl
--shouting out the hour from the Naked Shouting Tower

24 January 2011

#15003: RHYMING DREAM DATES

--The Dalai Lama and Lady Gaga
--Albert Einstein and Robert Heinlein
--Pablo Neruda and the Big Fat Buddha

19 January 2011

#9750: ZOMBIE LOVE STORIES

(from last evening's SoBo madness...)

--Romeo and Juliet's Brains
--The Naked and the Undead
--He Loved Her for Her Brains

18 January 2011

#8120: BUZZER-BEATERS! (Geologic Time)

--"Cretaceous Days Fun-Run!" mammal results
--ionosphere polarity reversal
--healthcare reform

17 January 2011

#3259: FEATURES OF EXTRA-EXPENSIVE PANTS

--built-in smoke detector
--auto-johnson
--pocket pool table next to the jukebox

13 January 2011

#6181: HIGHWAY SIGNS (Not at All Encouraging)

for PKM

--"HIGHWAY ENDS -- 500 FT BEHIND YOU"
--"RETIREMENT COMMUNITY, NEXT 6 EXITS"
--"YOUR PANTS ARE UNZIPPED"

11 January 2011

#4098: WHERE DID I LEAVE MY PANTS?

--on Semester at Sea
--near the statue of Pancho Villa, downtown Ensenada
--in the conference room

#125: POCKETBUCKET LISTS (How to Play)

--As with any good game, this one should be played with an eye toward learning something...about the game, or about the others playing it, or about oneself, or about whatever the hell the damn list is about.
--All players should completely ignore any critical voices (either internal or external) telling you that you're not good enough to play the game.
--Fuck those voices! They're only useful when they're telling you that you can't reason with alligators.

#124: POCKETBUCKET LISTS (WTF???)

--Should the need arise, any list can be called upon to serve as a "bucket list."
--Should one wish to have a list upon oneself at all times (just in case) keeping the list "pocket-sized" is not a bad call.
--Pocketbucket, pocketbucket, pocketbucket...just say that a bunch of times.

07 January 2011

#123: THE RULES OF POCKETBUCKET LISTS

--The list is not finished until it has at least 3 items.
--No judging.
--Pass the pen with the list.

05 January 2011