#21541b: My Mama Done Tol' Me… (also)

--Don't eat you no ho-hos.
--Don't rent you no Dutch porn.
--Don't take you no ninth wife.

#21541: My Mama Done Tol' Me…

--Don't drink you no lattes.
--Don't bet on a horse with 5 legs.
--Put that thing away.

#805b: Personal Challenges

--doing the "right" thing
--making the "right" frosting
--playing the "right" flugelhorn note

#3247: Not-Yet-Copyrighted Orgasm Catchphrases

--"Annnnd...that's ONE more silver dollar!
--"HELLO, Boise!!
--"POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN!"

#3133: Didn't Get into the School of Hard Knocks

--School of Soft Taps
--School of Fleeting but Unpleasant Smells
--School of Hard Cheese

#473: Lacking Paris, We Will Always Instead Have

--French club (junior year)
--crinkle-cut French fries
--Jacques Costeau impersonators

#1200: Cartons of Unfiltered Love

--Leon straights
--Debby longs
--Tina's cousins

#7757: Manna from Heaven (Midweek)

--good commute
--nobody kicks you in the nuts
--cherry icee

#9944:Personal Defeat as Expressed by Movie Titles

--"Give Up Hard"
--"The Man Who Wasn't Successful and Just Didn’t Care
--"Give Up Hard 2: Give Up Harder"

#7500: New Scenes Added to Wizard of Oz Director's Cut

--Dorothy voice-over during tornado
--part where tin man kills a guy
--sub-plot involving group of bumbling German tourists

#1715: Spearmint Mistakes

--Pam C., from across the street
--crème de menthe shooters
--Colgate lube

#943: The Dingoes Also Ate

--my omlette
--most of the Doritos
--my brother Dan's omlette

#45111: Trust Issues (Squirrel)

--Has to always sit on the highest branch.
--Doesn't believe that other squirrels like his tail.
--That looks like my nut.

#7808: Sport for Crows

[for C. Ransick]

--crowball
--beak dancing
--the marital difficulties of other crows

#1254: Why We Worship the Donut

--Circle (the eternal symbol).
--Goes great with coffee.
--They're sometimes "raised."

#45: Reasons to Cheer Up

--the opposite sex
--monkeys (the funny ones, not the scary ones)
--BLTs

#4114: VEN DIAGRAM SUBJECTS

--M's allegies, N's body sprays
--sexual preferences of primates, coworkers
--your art projects, thrift store donations

#3727: ONLY TWO LEFT

--states of consciousness
--undented commandments
--wealthy poets

#80953: FREAK FLAGS (Under-Appreciated)

--obsession with crossword puzzles
--stretchy waistband pants
--grapefruit-flavored soda

#6224: ALWAYS MAKES ME HAPPY TO SEE

--donut shops
--women
--neon

#6222: FOOD THAT COULD JUST A EASILY BE EATEN FROM A SHOTGLASS

--mashed potatoes
--candy corn
--baco-bits

#7121b: DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME EITHER

--funny, smart, "good kid" who didn't get detention because I was so busy trying to please the adults that I missed a lot of great opportunities to do drugs and steal stuff
--flossing
--egg-salad sandwich that you put in fridge at work last week

#20756: THINGS THAT VIBRATE NOTICEABLY THAT I WISH WOULDN'T

--upper decks of shopping malls
--my left hipbone
--my right hipbone

#3399: TO EVERYTHING ____, TURN, ____

--kerned, stern
--Vern, Fern
--spurned, worm

#4595: DERELICTION OF DUTIES

--either peed in sink or allowed someone else to
--ate all the chips
--ignored pre-existing treaties with Portugal