#17171: Racist-Sounding Comfort Foods

-- Mexican "pile-up"
-- "crazy" Chinese chicken
-- "fucking Belgian" pizza

#70187: Pirates of Indifference

-- Long Greg Whatever
-- Hesitating Gary
-- Jean-Pierre Fugue State

#67286: Let's Just Take It One ____ at ____ ____

-- Enema, an Angle
-- Tangential Leap, a Squirrel!
-- Epiphany, a Bonghit

#69770: "Stick to the Topic"

-- ponderous pine
-- wet cottonwood
-- Douglas's math teacher fir

#1142: Unwelcome Adjectives in a Review of Your Book

-- flatulent
-- beef-a-roni-esque
-- craptastic

#1937: Candy Nobody Wants

-- lemonasses

-- sneeromint patty
-- gummi senior citizens

#9662: Reasons to Avoid Tonight's Vegan Special

-- tofurkey not fresh-caught
-- found wok chef's beard-net on counter in men's room
-- comes with mung bean smoothie

#8062: Heavy Metal Blands

-- MAYÖ
-- The Undead Lawrence Welks
-- Beige Satan

#6200: More Literary Collective Nouns

#6200: More Literary Collective Nouns

-- a Nantucket of limericks
-- a landfill of graduate theses
-- a chumbucket of chapbooks

#42619: Still Under the Radar

-- approaching mini-tornado
-- the soothing Central-Kansas song stylings of Resmondo and Doop
-- the breakout literary form of self-referential 3-item lists

#305: Still Too Big on Me

-- the Helmet of Leadership

-- the Eve of Destruction
-- the Freshly Laundered Undershirt of Dave

#18749: Underheralded Quests

 -- the search for the Roly-Poly Grail

 -- save the princess from the dragon's attorney

 -- dethroning the King of Flatulence

#42033: Choose Your Weapon

-- silly string, or squirtgun full of grapefruit juice

-- pen, or penis
-- sarcasm, or schmarcasm

#79439: No Longer Popular in the Internet

-- Mike Dukkakis fan site

-- pokes from elderly relatives
-- clever, alphabetically arranged haikus

#19896: Too Figurative to Bail

-- the idea of a bucket

-- a mime's bucket
-- a pocket bucket

#38861: Odd Things that I’m Actually Quite Grateful for

-- cheap and plentiful rubber bands
-- the sound of my children snoring
-- the 3-item list form

#1002: If Not ____, Then ____ ?

 -- Butterscotch, When

 -- Here, Why Not

 -- Element J-212, Klerrrb

#28652: Guilty Pleasures (Other Species)

 -- nut fondling (squirrel)

 -- fondling Uranus (Neptunians)

 -- nut fondling (Jeff)

#5520: Feels like the Fourth Time

 -- seventh Star Wars movie

 -- first attempt to convince Uncle Doug that the Internet isn't a Soviet plot. 

 -- second trip to lice removal clinic

#46313: How It Should Have Ended

 -- Batman and Superman get it on, are embarrassed later. 

 -- Forrest Gump elected supreme dictator, fixes health care. 

 -- Citizen Kane escapes down mountain on sled

#79537: Corrections to Yesterday's List

 -- First item is actually the same as third item.

 -- Used the word "Taint" instead of the word "Trump."

 -- Third item is actually a repeat of first item.

#6702: ____ to the Left of Me, ____ to the Right

 -- Crowns, Dentures

 -- Clones, Jackalopes

 -- Klaus, Joan Collins

#59192: Up Shit ____ without a ____

 -- Alley, Switchblade

 -- Tower, Fire Escape

 -- Mountain, Can of Yeti Repellent

#41472: Other Things that I'm Ignoring

 -- "goo-goo eyes" from Louise in marketing

 -- tiny senior citizens in sock drawer

 -- X-mas lights spelling out warning

#41510: Add a "T," Make It Worse

 -- Clearasilt

 -- acidophylust

 -- near and fart