#9662: Reasons to Avoid Tonight's Vegan Special

-- tofurkey not fresh-caught
-- found wok chef's beard-net on counter in men's room
-- comes with mung bean smoothie

#8062: Heavy Metal Blands

-- MAYÖ
-- The Undead Lawrence Welks
-- Beige Satan

#6200: More Literary Collective Nouns

#6200: More Literary Collective Nouns

-- a Nantucket of limericks
-- a landfill of graduate theses
-- a chumbucket of chapbooks

#42619: Still Under the Radar

-- approaching mini-tornado
-- the soothing Central-Kansas song stylings of Resmondo and Doop
-- the breakout literary form of self-referential 3-item lists

#305: Still Too Big on Me

-- the Helmet of Leadership

-- the Eve of Destruction
-- the Freshly Laundered Undershirt of Dave

#18749: Underheralded Quests

 -- the search for the Roly-Poly Grail

 -- save the princess from the dragon's attorney

 -- dethroning the King of Flatulence

#42033: Choose Your Weapon

-- silly string, or squirtgun full of grapefruit juice

-- pen, or penis
-- sarcasm, or schmarcasm

#79439: No Longer Popular in the Internet

-- Mike Dukkakis fan site

-- pokes from elderly relatives
-- clever, alphabetically arranged haikus

#19896: Too Figurative to Bail

-- the idea of a bucket

-- a mime's bucket
-- a pocket bucket

#38861: Odd Things that I’m Actually Quite Grateful for

-- cheap and plentiful rubber bands
-- the sound of my children snoring
-- the 3-item list form

#1002: If Not ____, Then ____ ?

 -- Butterscotch, When

 -- Here, Why Not

 -- Element J-212, Klerrrb

#28652: Guilty Pleasures (Other Species)

 -- nut fondling (squirrel)

 -- fondling Uranus (Neptunians)

 -- nut fondling (Jeff)

#5520: Feels like the Fourth Time

 -- seventh Star Wars movie

 -- first attempt to convince Uncle Doug that the Internet isn't a Soviet plot. 

 -- second trip to lice removal clinic

#46313: How It Should Have Ended

 -- Batman and Superman get it on, are embarrassed later. 

 -- Forrest Gump elected supreme dictator, fixes health care. 

 -- Citizen Kane escapes down mountain on sled

#79537: Corrections to Yesterday's List

 -- First item is actually the same as third item.

 -- Used the word "Taint" instead of the word "Trump."

 -- Third item is actually a repeat of first item.

#6702: ____ to the Left of Me, ____ to the Right

 -- Crowns, Dentures

 -- Clones, Jackalopes

 -- Klaus, Joan Collins

#59192: Up Shit ____ without a ____

 -- Alley, Switchblade

 -- Tower, Fire Escape

 -- Mountain, Can of Yeti Repellent

#41472: Other Things that I'm Ignoring

 -- "goo-goo eyes" from Louise in marketing

 -- tiny senior citizens in sock drawer

 -- X-mas lights spelling out warning

#41510: Add a "T," Make It Worse

 -- Clearasilt

 -- acidophylust

 -- near and fart

#19259: Rejected Mints

 -- Peepermint ("The gum that watches you get dressed!")

 -- Governmint ("Tastes just like congress!")

 -- Spiromint ("Now with 10% more Agnew!")

#6519: Spreadable at Room Temperature

 -- PocketBucket list writer's easy lack of virtue

 -- rumor about hidden race of super-pigs

 -- Leon

#44738: More Misheard Lyrics (slightly)

 -- I can't get no Sabbath action…

 -- Rikki don't lose that numb purse…

 -- Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, bath mat!

#59682: Drives a Soft Bargain

 -- Siamese cat of Death

 -- Crazy Tiffany's used car lot

 -- Mister Muffins, the giggly hostage negotiator

#23118: Cooler than They Want to Admit

 -- ukulele covers

 -- leather hat

 -- glass of good booze

#10840: Collectibles (Not Yet)

 -- tasteful nudes of Republican presidential candidates

 -- my 8th-grade soccer jersey

 -- second virginity