#13022: Friendly Insults

-- Your ass looks like my college roommate Paul (whom I always liked).

-- I am refreshed by your unironic vapidity!

-- Nice nuclear bomb, Einstein!

#13122: There Wasn’t Supposed to Be

-- fire ants

-- this awkward ride to the airport with Denise

-- chocolate-flavored potato chips

#13501: Why They Hate My Dog

-- mispronounces his woofs

-- will kill anyone who sits on that bench

-- still pooping out legos

#61324: Other Things I Can Do with My Toes

-- applaud at poetry readings

-- pick up dropped doritos

-- make you forget your troubles for awhile

#61222: Other Things, Besides a Fish, that You Can’t Tune

-- a casserole

-- a didjeridoo

-- a Siamese cat

#61727: More Nicknames for Big Feet

-- leg hammers

-- the Grand Toetons

-- pedal-pounders

#61654: Less Controversial Judgements of Paris

-- the BBQ burger instead of the quinoa salad

-- dark blue undershorts for formal events

-- Goddess of Love over Goddess of Head-lice

#93958: More Signs That It's Time to Panic

 -- streets crowded with feral pigs
 -- hard to find good blue jeans
 -- reanimation of dead presidents and/or 50's exercise gurus becomes a thing

#61445: Not-Quite-Solved Mysteries

-- What’s under there?

-- Why do you ALWAYS fall for that gag? (heh-heh, you said “underwear”)

-- Chickens, motivations thereof.

#61728: It’s Too Hot to ____

-- live up to my potential.

-- remain a “wearer of pants.”

-- not drink some chilled booze.

#8823a: Genetic Tangents (Tangenetics?)

 -- the platypus

 -- ribonucleic acid jazz solo

 -- over-production of 3-item lists

 

#64870: Heisenberg's Less-Popular Principles

 -- his "underpants exchange" principle

 -- his "certainty that Jennifer is sleeping with that guy from Spain" principle

 -- his "the principal is your pal" principle

#76429: Triggers for My PTSD

 -- circus clowns with beards

 -- the sound of many little girls laughing somewhere down a deserted hospital hallway

 -- anytime someone says "Big Fuzzy Spider Time!"

#55132: Songs that Make Me Wince at Dances

 -- "YMCA"

 -- "Memories" (from "Cats")

 -- "C'mon! (Everybody Do the Human Centipede!)"

#64461: Things that Skitter

 -- ice cubes on a hot stove

 -- weasels with long fingernails dancing on a tile floor

 -- my sanity on occasion

#42255: Tell-Tale Signs

 -- STOP (drinking so much before work, Steve.)

 -- MERGE (with Denise. Her boyfriend is in Toronto.)

 -- YIELD (shmeeld.)

#61477: Louie, Louie (Other Countries)

 -- Luis, Luis (Peru)

 -- Kim, Kim (North Korea)

 -- Moishe, Moishe (Israel)

#42255: Tell-Tale Signs

 -- STOP (drinking so much before work, Steve.)

 -- MERGE (with Denise. Her boyfriend is in Toronto.)

 -- YIELD (shmeeld.)

#71702: Cast Out of My Paradise

 -- soldiers in the chocolate donut army

 -- the Snooze Fairy

 -- President Chuckles

#8181 Cup Holders (Uncontested)

--Truth (The "Beauty Cup")

--Beauty (The "Truth Cup")

--Jeff (The "Whiffly Cup," Bakersfield Rec League Whiffle-Ball MVP, 1989)

#52500: Other Body Shapes Described by a Fruit or Vegetable

 -- asparagus

 -- pineapple

 -- star fruit

#19210: Whew, That Was a Middle-Distant Shave!

 -- escape from Chuck E. Cheese

 -- neighbor's angora goat

 -- taint clearing

#35573: Wet Blankets (other planets)

-- “No-klerb” Durrrrg (Plaent Kloot)

-- Sting (Arrakis)

-- Sting (Planet Hollywood)

#35572: Life of the Party! (other planets)

 

-- “Klerbish” Bleen! (Planet Kloot)

-- ol' Fumble-Nuts! (squirrel planet)

-- “Four-oh-one” Kay! (adulthood)

#35575: Unlikely Lotto Number Combinations

 

-- 1,2,3,4,6,5

-- Pi, age of oldest pet, exaggerated penis length x 10, good-looking neighbor’s address divided by 12, 40, the value of S in that equation from the movie about the science hero

-- 3, 33, 333, 3333, 6, 5