#4349: More Collective Nouns

-- a double-eyeroll of inane comments in the staff meeting
-- a surfeit of sherbets
-- an apocalypse of alpacas

#7990a: New Year's Resolutions (Other Species)

-- work out more and don't think about nuts so much (squirrel)
-- make more of an effort to stand out from the crowd (phytoplankton)
-- get more klerrrb and element J212 in my diet (creature from Planet Krooot)

#9025: Alternatives to the "Mega-Church"

-- Maxi-Church
-- Jumbo Chapel
-- Big Ol' Basilica

#1225b: Un-needed Xmas Gifts (Already Have One)

-- horse head mask
-- set of popcorn forks
-- surfeit of irony

#6677b: More Poems Whose Title Is Longer

“the next time i see that stinking giraffe, i’m going to tell him to blow his this out of his that” (e.e. cummings)

“Text of Jingoistic Bumper-Sticker Read through the Oddly-Shaped Eyes of a Plasticene Chicken Mask as I Walked behind a Slow-Moving Ford Pickup for an Hour and a Half Yesterday during the Macy’s Parade Traffic in Downtown New York--1959” (Wallace Stevens)

“Naked Photographs of Me Taken at a Time when I Was Just Glad to Be Naked and Not Feeling the Shame that so Besets Primates and Episcopalians” (Walt Whitman)

#566608: Poems Whose Titles Are Longer

-- “Listing the Two Things that I Ate for Breakfast that Morning before Walking Out to Clear My Apple Orchard of Wolverines” (Robert Frost)
-- “Do You Like to Go Fast or Slow when the Ground is Covered with Newly Fallen Snow?” (Emily Dickinson)
-- “Staring Contest between Me and My Alter Ego, Scarface McGraw, Results Therefrom” (Alfred Lord Tennyson)

#7788: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like, but You Can Never ________ (other hotels)

-- Really Know whether You Accidentally Voted for Pat Buchanan (Hotel Tallahasee)
-- Get a Decent Espresso to Go (Hotel East Nebraska)
-- Eat Enough Cheetos (Hotel Colorado)

#84522: Exclusive Cliques I Have Yet to Join

-- The Waistband/Armpit Club
-- Guys Who Drink Raw Eggs from a Glass
-- Bull and Scones

#5355: Ways in Which We "Shoot Ourselves in the Foot"

-- with a "gun"
-- through "self-destructive tendencies"
-- with "that spear-gun" that "we were sure was just a stage prop!"

#3123: Useful Underwear Enhancements

-- side air-bags
-- wifi
-- retractable roof

#23614: Cocktails Whose Names Sound Like Funny Superpowers

-- Golden Hurricane
-- Long Island Eyes Tea
-- Sloe Gin Fizz

#86753: More Good Reasons to Relocate into a Fantasy Novel

-- elvish girlfriends
-- talking giant cats
-- the donut wizards

#36921: Rest-Stops (Famous, but for the Wrong Reasons)

-- That one they blew up in that movie starring that one guy.
-- The one near the Newark airport that always smells like asparagus.
-- The Donner party.

#7802: Songs I'd Like Them to Play at My Funeral (But They Probably Won't)

-- "Already Gone" by the Eagles
-- "Morning After" (from the soundtrack of "The Poseidon Adventure")
-- "C Is for Cookie"

#41220: Planets Not Worth Exploring

 -- The Planet of No Parking
 -- anything orbiting Muzak star system
 -- Halitosis V

#61626: More Suggestions of Things to Pursue along with the Usual Life, Liberty

-- comfortable dress shoes
-- good Mexican food
-- giggle-tummy

#8470: Things besides "the Beer" That I'm Sometimes "Only Here For"

-- "the Inner Ear"
-- "the Ex-Mousketeer"
-- "the Jeer"

#20125: Religious Sects that Have More Fun

-- Rythym Methodists
-- Hide 'n Sikhs
-- Pleasbyterians

#260: Dr. Suess Place Names

-- the Zweiback Motel
-- the Jungle of Nool
-- Ma-Fotta-Ma-Potta-Fa-Pell

#61112: Vegetarian Monsters!

-- the Creature from the Black Legume!
-- Kim!
-- Tofrankenstein!

#3845: Over Time Wins

-- water over stone
-- money over common sense
-- homeboy's belly over those pants

#26109: Misheard Names of Former Soviet Satellite Republics

-- Asthma by John
-- Mulled Over
-- Who's Becky On?

#650: Words that I Know How to Say in at Least 4 Languages

-- beer
-- soup
-- Oprah

#41: Things that There Are More than 40 Of

-- minutes in an hour
-- Junior Mints in a box of 42 or more Junior Mints
-- PocketBucket Lists

#50309: Fundraisers to Avoid

-- Dick Cheney's spare organ drive
-- Chernobyl Radioactive Zombies "Fun-Run"
-- silent auction at St. Itchy's School for the Incurably Lice-Ridden