#74098: Talk Shows (Squirrel)

-- "About My Nuts"
-- "Chik and Seeeech with Tsip-Tsip"
-- "Those Fucking Bluejays"

#5409: The Pillars of Civilization (According to Me)

-- clean underpants
-- sexy underpants
-- frosted cupcakes

#54221: Literary Penis Nicknames

-- gun in the first act
-- dangling modifier
-- the ancient mariner

#12250: Xmas Songs That Are Sort of Embarrassing to Sing

-- "I Saw Grandpa Kissing Santa Claus"
-- "All I Want for Christmas Is for You Guys to Give Me Back My Pants"
-- "Silver Belch"

#7409: I've Been through the _____ on a _____ with No Name

-- anchorwoman's colon, hellish camera expedition
-- initiation ritual for your "social club," goat
-- donut hole, tiny horse

#19890: Past Thanksgivings' "Moments of Grace"

-- Leon does a gravy shooter.
-- How the cranberries slid with an audible sigh out of the
can and retained the shape of the can.
-- "Giggletummy" with Uncle Chester.

#9702: Whence the Pain in My Neck

-- Slept around the cat last night
-- Pain in my ass on vacation
-- Constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Sarah Palin is hunting me from the air

#41144: Three More Balls

-- Swedish meat
-- Koosh
-- Marine Corps fancy dress

#3038: And Then I Woke Up

-- Realized I was dreaming and that the sign said
"women's locker room."
-- Teddy Roosevelt smiles and unhooks his brassiere.
-- Room starts filling with light and I am crying and the
dolphins…

#45009: Now Playing

-- that one other song by Starland Vocal Band
-- cats on stairs after midnight
-- funny video where a chipmunk bites a guy on the nuts

#10112: Out with the ____ and In with the ____

-- old, gnu
-- olde, gnue
-- ol', gn'

#18002: Musicals That Should Get Made

-- Chasing Cher with a Stick!
-- North Korea: A Love Story
-- Cats 2: Hairballs!

#8451: Fools Rush In

-- to clearance sales at the meat store
-- to the Donner Party reunion
-- to the big fool's gold discovery outside of town

#49812: What I Do when I'm in My "Secret Identity"

-- travel through the space-time continuum to a singles
bar in 70s Cleveland
-- drink water from the toilet like my dog
-- save the universe with irony

#7533: Less Popular Cocktail Garnishes

-- chilled crucifix
-- a lock of the the bartenders armpit hair
-- ostrich phlegm

#58584: Less Popular than Manic Monday

--Tannic Tuesday
--Frantic Friday
--Hispanic Jueves

#1403: Committees to Avoid

-- the self-punishment committee
-- the "who keeps clogging the crapper?" committee
-- the committee sub-committee

#5128: Remember to Shut

-- the door in the face of the reanimated corpse of your wife's boyfriend
-- your cakehole, from time to time
-- the curtains before you do your whole "Risky Business" dance number

#2900: Better than a VIP

--PhDIP
--IPILF
--BLTIP

#8188: Accomplishable in Less Than 1 Minute

-- reply to text
-- deflavoring of gum
-- complete loss of moral compass

#2009: Non-Partisan Congressional Masturbation Euphemisms

--filling the buster
--barreling the pork
--whipping the minority

#7540: You're Next in Line...! (Bad Lines)

-- ...to be licked by the cannibal king's food taster
-- ...for periodontal surgery
-- ...for a sharp punch in the gut from Mike

#15231: Trees for the Forest!

-- oaky-doke
-- sycamoraphant
-- kiss-aspen

#9915: Brief Synopsis

-- It's about you.
-- It's worth it.
-- Ends.

#6033: By the Time I Get to ____, She Will Be ____

-- Vegas, discovering that the cashbox is sort of dented
-- San Diego, still laughing at how lame my attempt to break into the cashbox was
-- Ensenada, not laughing quite so hard when she realizes that her hubcaps are missing